Confessions from the David Galaxy Affair

Sandra, you lovely little birdie you.

Ah yes, I remember you well.

And our first contestant

for the title of Miss Beauty Bust is,

gorgeous Sandra Gertrude.

Sandra tells me that she plans to become

an expert in foreign affairs.

Really Sandra, why go abroad

when you can find plenty at home?

And can I be the first please?

This little creature has a name to match her figure.

Gina Curvy.

Gina is a consultant in a wristwatch firm,

and with an am and a pm like hers,

I'm not surprised.

Our next entrant, Julia Shorthouse,

has a simple but praiseworthy ambition.

Julia wants to be a housewife.

Good for you, Julia.

And finally, lovely Angela Critten.

Angela says she's resigned her job

as marriage guidance counsellor,

because she's frustrated,

and wishes to find a new position.

Counsellor Pendleton, enjoy the show?

Yes.

I can tell by your eyes.

Oh, hello darling.

Now listen, you did give Counsellor Pendleton

a good lunch hour, didn't you?

More like quarter of an hour, I'd say.

Yes, he did enjoy himself, didn't he?

Yes.

Oh thank God for that.

Anyway listen, it's all fixed.

And here comes Mr. Fix-It now, big smile.

Hi Mr. Pendleton.

Good luck my dear.

Don't be nervous.

That thousand pound check is already in your hot little--

Oh David, I don't know how to thank you.

Of course you do.

Afterwards.

Now meet Miss Beautybust.

Beautiful Sandra Gertrude

Most spirited, Sandra.

Words have no place at a time like this,

only dreams of things to come.

- Well you know what they say,

whatever you get out of the business, you put back into it.

Afterwards.

Oh, what a night it's been.

What a night it's going to be.

Now then, I wonder what my little prize is going to be.

Bastard!

- A funny fellow, Pendleton.

He tells me he wants a bit,

I don't mind a bit,

so I introduce him to a bit.

And she gives him a bit.

Now what has he got to be sore about?

I had a very funny feeling.

My sixth sense told me that

a singularly unwelcome surprise was about to pop up.

And it wasn't just my sixth sense.

My horoscope had told me the same thing that morning.

Yes?

Mr. David Galaxy?

Well that depends.

Are you her Majesty's collector of taxes?

No sir.

Ah splendid!

Would you by chance be from the social security,

asking for your money back?

Not exactly sir.

- You wouldn't be some beautiful bird's boyfriend,

would you?

Coming out here to sort me out?

No sir.

Good, and then in that case,

I am David Galaxy.

- And I'm Chief Inspector Evans of Scotland Yard.

I'd like to have a word with you sir.

Yes certainly.

Do come up.

Ah Inspector,

Oh I'm so sorry.

It's Chief Inspector actually, sir.

Yes, how silly of me.

I mean one can't dismiss a lifetime of

parking people in the nick,

and then forget that one word that made it oh so worthwhile.

Can one, Chief Inspector?

- Apology accepted in the spirit in which it was given.

Yes, well then that's all settled then.

Well, uh right little rapeup this promises to be,

and far be it for me to speed up the proceedings,

but I'm sure you must be late

at the forensic laboratories right now.

I understand perfectly, sir.

Sorry, Godot could be here any minute.

Beg your pardon, sir, who?

No it's all right.

Godot is a character in a play called Waiting For Godot.

That's why I said that Godot could be,

and I was waiting for Godot,

and just forget it.

It's a puerile attempt at humour anyway.

Um, would you come this way?

Well, Chief Inspector, what can I do for you?

Oh it won't take long.

Splendid!

Oh please don't think I'm not acting like the perfect host,

but as you can see,

I do have a vast and adoring public to attend to.

Can I get you a drink?

Uh no thank you, sir,

this is an official visit.

- Of course, policemen never drink on duty.

It's been so long

since I watched them on the telly.

I'm so sorry it wasn't a bright.

- You have something to do with astrology then?

No pun due chief inspector, Chief Inspector,

When there is a like mind like yours, you should go far.

Thank you sir.

So often we police get such sincere compliments

passed about.

I can't understand why not.

These are a few of the replies

to the eager letters begging me

to tear aside the sun and planetarium mysteries,

and reveal the truth of the years to come.

I often look in the morning papers

to find out my own horoscope.

What about you, Sergeant?

Oh not me, sir.

It's a racket.

Oh thank you so much, Sergeant.

I knew I could rely on you

for a bit of rapier-like wit.

It's got to apply to somebody somewhere.

Some are going to be lucky or unlucky.

For instance, this morning mine said,

I'm a Virgo by the way,

Make good use of your quiet sincere Virgo charm,

to overcome cynical and overbearing people

and you will achieve your ultimate objective.

Promotion will be in the offing.

Oh yes indeed, sir.

- You've got a very good memory, Chief Inspector.

Not really Mr. Galaxy.

I mean, my wife's a Gemini.

They told her just the same thing two months ago.

No doubt, Mr. Galaxy, you're dying to know,

why Sergeant Johnson and I have,

in astrological terms as it were,

collided with you.

Hey Sergeant?

There was an occurrence five years ago.

In June, on the third inst.

All right, Johnson, I'll do this.

It's only routine, sir.

We'd like you to help us with our inquiries.

If you could tell us what you were doing

on the third of June, five years ago,

when we return, we'd be obliged.

All right Johnson.

Now just a minute, Chief Inspector.

What's all this about?