Parks and Recreation

- NOW, AFTER WE ARE GIVEN THE CERTIFICATE,

WHO DO YOU THINK SHOULD SPEAK FIRST?

I THINK IT SHOULD BE ME AND THEN YOU.

BUT, IF YOU WANT, IT COULD BE YOU AND THEN ME.

OR IT COULD GO ME, YOU, ME.

WHAT DO YOU THINK? - HOW ABOUT JUST YOU?

THANK YOU, RON. YES.

TOMORROW, THE PARKS AND REC DEPARTMENT

IS RECEIVING A COMMENDATION AT THE INDIANA STATEHOUSE

FOR BRINGING THE HARVEST FESTIVAL BACK.

AND ALTHOUGH IT'S PURELY CEREMONIAL,

IT'S A HUGE DEAL FOR ME TO GO TO THE STATEHOUSE.

- I COULDN'T CARE LESS ABOUT THE COMMENDATION.

BUT INDIANAPOLIS IS HOME TO CHARLES MULLIGAN'S STEAKHOUSE,

THE BEST DAMN STEAKHOUSE IN THE DAMN STATE.

I HAVE TAKEN A PICTURE OF EVERY STEAK I'VE EVER EATEN THERE.

JUNE 2004.

PORTERHOUSE, MEDIUM RARE, BEARNAISE SAUCE.

JANUARY 2000.

THEY CALL THIS ONE "THE ENFORCER."

FEBRUARY '96.

RIB-EYE. LAGAVULIN 16.

A BITCH.

SPECIFICALLY, MY EX-WIFE TAMMY.

OKAY, THIS IS-- THIS IS THE FIRST TIME

I EVER WENT THERE.

OH, LOOK AT ME. I'M JUST A KID.

*

- SHE'S SHOWING SOME ELEPHANT PIC--

OH, LA LA! LOOK WHO'S FANCY!

- OH, AM I WEARING AN ASCOT? I DIDN'T NOTICE.

BIG NIGHT AT THE SNAKEHOLE LOUNGE.

IT'S A LAUNCH PARTY

FOR DENNIS FEINSTEIN'S NEW ALLERGIC--FOR MEN.

PAWNEE'S OWN DENNIS FEINSTEIN IS A REAL UP-AND-COMER

IN THE WORLD OF MICROBREWED PERFUMES AND BODY SPRAYS.

HIS ETHER-BASED PERFUME "BLACKOUT"

WAS NAMED ONE OF MAXIM'S TOP 100 WAYS

TO TRICK SOMEONE INTO SEX.

00, 00.

OH, NO, NO, WAY TOO LATE.

I WILL BE DEEP INTO MY BATH BY THEN.

- DON'T LET US PICTURE THAT. BEN, YOU GONNA GO?

OH, UH, I DON'T THINK SO.

PROBABLY JUST GONNA TAKE IT EASY,

BUT THANK YOU.

YOU KNOW, THEY ALWAYS ASK ME TO GO OUT WITH THEM.

THEY'RE JUST BEING POLITE.

I MOVE AROUND A LOT,

SO THE FRIENDS I MAKE IN THESE CITIES,

THEY'RE LIKE FACEBOOK FRIENDS, YOU KNOW?

"HEY, DOUG FROM BLOOMINGTON IS THINKING ABOUT BUYING A SHIRT."

I MEAN, COME ON, DOUG, WHO CARES?

- OKAY, TOM, I WANT YOU TO TAKE BEN

AND MAKE HIM GO TO THAT ANTIHISTAMINE PARTY.

- IT'S "ALLERGIC," AND FORGET IT.

- HE DOESN'T KNOW ANYBODY IN TOWN.

COME ON, TOM, TAKE HIM UNDER YOUR TINY LITTLE WING.

- HE'S A FULLY GROWN MAN, LESLIE.

AND TONIGHT'S JUST NOT ABOUT PLEASURE.

I'M SCHMOOZING DENNIS FEINSTEIN

SO I CAN PITCH HIM MY NEW COLOGNE, "TOMMY FRESH."

- OKAY, WELL, WHILE YOU'RE DOING THAT,

I WANT YOU TO PICTURE BEN IN HIS MOTEL ROOM,

ALL BY HIMSELF WITH NO FRIENDS, STARING AT THE WALL.

- DEAL. - TOM.

- SO MY BAND'S WORKING ON A NEW ALBUM.

- OH, YEAH? WHAT'S IT CALLED?

- APRIL LUDGATE IS THE BEST EVER, VOLUME ONE.

SHUT UP.

- SO, UH, WHAT DO YOU WANT TO DO TONIGHT?

WE COULD WATCH TV AT BURLY'S HOUSE

OR WE COULD WATCH TV AT YOUR HOUSE.

OR, I MEAN, WE COULD WATCH TV AT BEST BUY.

- WHY DON'T WE GO TO TOM'S THING?

THAT WEIRD COLOGNE PARTY THING AT THE SNAKEHOLE?

OH.

I KIND OF FORGOT THAT YOU NEED MONEY

WHEN YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND.

EH!

I WANT TO TREAT APRIL LIKE A QUEEN,

AND QUEENS DESERVE FLOWERS AND MASSAGES,

CHOCOLATE, BOOZE,

DIAMONDS, RUBIES, EMERALDS,

THEM TREASURE CHESTS FULL OF SCARVES,

DIFFERENT KINDS OF LUBES THAT WARM UP

WHEN YOU RUB 'EM ON STUFF.

I'M GONNA GIVE HER ALL THAT STUFF AND MORE.

HMM, THAT SOUNDS PRETTY AWESOME. YEAH, LET'S DO IT.

- OKAY. - OKAY.

- ALL RIGHT. BYE. - BYE.

- I DON'T KNOW. I GUESS WE'RE DATING.

IT'S NEW. WHATEVER. I DON'T LIKE LABELS.

GO AWAY.

- THIS? - THAT WOULD BE GOOD.

- BUT DOES IT SAY, "HELLO, GENERAL ASSEMBLY,

I'VE COME TO INDIANAPOLIS TO ACCEPT YOUR COMMENDATION"?

- AS MUCH AS ANY ONE DRESS COULD.

HMM.

- LESLIE, I THINK CHRIS IS CHEATING ON ME.

- WHAT? THAT LYING BASTARD.

WAIT. HOW DO YOU KNOW?

- I DON'T HAVE ANY ACTUAL PROOF.

- OH, THEN I'M SURE HE'S NOT CHEATING ON YOU.

AND IF HE IS, HE'S A MONSTER.

AND IF HE'S NOT, YOU GUYS ARE GREAT TOGETHER.

BUT IF HE IS, I WILL KILL HIM.

- WELL, WE HAD A REALLY GOOD CONVERSATION

ABOUT OUR RELATIONSHIP LAST WEEK,

AND HE WAS VERY REASSURING

THAT WE'RE HEADED IN A GOOD DIRECTION.

GREAT.

- BUT THEN HE GOT DISTANT. - OH.

- AND WHEN I ASKED TO COME VISIT HIM IN INDIANAPOLIS,

HE WAS TOTALLY WEIRD.

HE WAS WEIRD.

- LOOK, IT SOUNDS LIKE YOU'RE JUST SPIRALING.

- BUT WHAT IF I'M NOT? WHAT IF I'M NOT?

WHAT IF HE HAS A GIRL UP THERE?

I THINK HE'S CHEATING ON ME.

WOW. OKAY.

WELL, LUCKILY, I'M HEADING UP THERE.

I'LL--I'LL INVITE HIM OUT TO DINNER

AND I'LL POKE AROUND A LITTLE BIT.

OKAY.

- I MEAN, HE'S NOT GONNA BE ABLE TO KEEP ANYTHING FROM ME.

IN HIGH SCHOOL, THEY USED TO CALL ME ANGELA LANSBURY.

BUT THAT WAS BECAUSE OF MY HAIRCUT.

HEY, CHAMP.

HEY, CHAMP...ION.

- LISTEN, YOU SHOULD COME OUT TONIGHT.

THE CLUB'S GONNA BE DOPE.

PLUS, I'M PRETTY SURE YOU HAVE NOTHING ELSE GOING ON.

- WELL, THAT'S NOT TOTALLY TRUE.

THE OWNER OF THE MOTEL I'M STAYING AT

SAID SHE WAS GONNA SCREEN HOPE FLOATS IN THE LOBBY.

ASKED ME IF I WANTED TO WATCH.

- YEAH. YOU SHOULD PROBABLY GET OUT OF THAT.

I THINK SHE'S GONNA MURDER YOU.

COME ON DOWN TO THE SNAKEHOLE.

I'M NOT GONNA TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER.

- OKAY. YEAH, NO, I'LL--I'LL STOP BY.

THANK YOU. - COOL.

HEY, YOU MIND IF I ASK?

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA WEAR TONIGHT?

UH, YOU KNOW,

I WAS PROBABLY JUST GONNA STICK WITH THIS.

- COME ON, SERIOUSLY.

WHAT ARE YOU-- WHAT ARE YOU GONNA WEAR?

- OH, SOMETHING TOTALLY DIFFERENT.

PROBABLY GO HOME AND GRAB SOMETHING.

COOL.

- IF YOU WOULD BE WILLING TO JUST TAKE A BRIEF PIT STOP,

WE COULD SEE INDIANA'S SECOND LARGEST ROCKING CHAIR.

NO.

- THEN MAYBE WE SHOULD TAKE A QUICK TWO-HOUR SOJOURN

TO DAME GERVIN'S MISSHAPEN CELEBRITY CASTLE.

IT'S WHERE MADAME TUSSAUD SENDS ALL OF ITS FAILED WAX FIGURES,

AND IF YOU CAN FIGURE OUT WHO IT IS,

YOU GET TO TAKE IT HOME. - NO.

- WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU, GROUCHY PANTS?

- I'VE BEEN FASTING ALL DAY TO SAVE ROOM FOR MULLIGAN'S.

- FASTING'S NOT HEALTHY FOR YOU, RON.

- LESLIE, YOU NEED TO UNDERSTAND,

WE ARE HEADING FOR THE MOST SPECIAL PLACE ON EARTH.

WHEN I'M DONE EATING A MULLIGAN'S MEAL,

FOR WEEKS AFTERWARDS, THERE ARE FLECKS OF MEAT

IN MY MUSTACHE, AND I REFUSE TO CLEAN IT

BECAUSE EVERY NOW AND THEN,

A PIECE OF MEAT WILL FALL INTO MY MOUTH.

OH, I FORGOT TO TELL YOU,

CHRIS TRAEGER IS JOINING US FOR DINNER TONIGHT.

- PLEASE TELL ME HE'S MEETING US AT THE RESTAURANT.

- NO. WE ARE PICKING HIM UP.

DAMN IT, WOMAN!

- WELCOME. I AM SO GLAD YOU GUYS CALLED.

THIS IS GONNA BE GREAT. COME ON IN, COME ON IN.

- SURE. - OR WE COULD JUST--

- WOW! LOOK AT YOUR FOYER.

IT'S LIKE A SPA IN HERE. - EXACTLY.

THE ENTRANCEWAY TO YOUR HOUSE

SENDS A MESSAGE TO THE WORLD ABOUT WHO YOU ARE.

AND THE FRONT DOOR PROVIDES ENERGY FLOW AND OPPORTUNITY.

YOU CANNOT LIMIT THAT.

- YEAH. RON DOESN'T EVEN HAVE A FRONT DOOR.

HE WON'T EVEN TELL ME HIS ADDRESS.

ASK HIM WHERE HE LIVES. - WHERE DO YOU LIVE?

WHY?

- SO THIS IS SOME KIND OF COAT CLOSET OR SOMETHING?

AH! WOW. THERE'S A LOT OF MEN'S COATS IN HERE.

I LIKE COATS.

- COULD I USE YOUR BATHROOM REALLY QUICK?

- IT'S RIGHT BEHIND YOU. - GREAT.

OH, THE TOILET SEAT'S UP.

- HEY, LET ME GET A BEER AND A PAWNEE SUNRISE.

- DO YOU WANT TO PAY CASH OR START A TAB?

- I--IT'S O-- UH, I-I KNOW TOM.

- TOM WHO? - TOM HAMMEN--HAMMENSTEIN.

- HAVERFORD. - HAVERFORD.

HE'S, LIKE, MY BEST FRIEND.