The Wizards of Aus

Excuse me, Deciding Hat.

Hat of Deciding, actually.

- Cool. So, you're a sort of hat who decides things.

How's it going?

Better than this wine.

It's a terrible vintage.

And I don't know why I had them heat it up for me.

It's piping hot.

What is this serving glass?

A goblet of fire.

Cool.

So, I'm here today to kind of talk

about a few complaints, I guess,

from the student body.

They're a little worried that their entire futures

hinge on the whims of a hat.

No disrespect.

Who would they prefer decide their fate?

A Christmas stocking?

No, because that's dumb.

Make is quick, boy.

I'm beginning to decide that I'm bored.

And this hot wine isn't helping at all.

I just feel as though we're maybe

fostering a lack of diversity amongst the school houses.

Possibly based on a personal prejudice.

Prejudice?

I'm not prejudice.

I'm a hat of deciding, no less.

And I've decided that I've had quite enough

of your nonsense, boy.

Now run along and heat me up

some more of this terrible wine.

No, we are far from done.

Okay. You see, all the kids with heroic qualities

you've put them all into Hero House,

which is great for them.

No complaints from Hero House.

You're kind of screwing over everyone else, right?

I mean, you take all the nerds put them into Nerdling House.

You pull all the morons into Dumb Dumb House,

which helps nobody.

You take all the ugly kids,

put them into Ooglo Booglo House.

And don't think I haven't noticed you put all the

big chested girls into Fun Bag Tittie House.

What can I say?

The hat wants what the hat wants.

- And that's not even getting started on Evil House.

Well, you don't want all the bad apples

poisoning the rest of the barrel, do you?

No, I agree.

But you don't want them scheming off together

in a little dungeon.

Perhaps, if you took the bad kids,

put them with the good kids,

then some of those good qualities

would trickle over on the bad kids.

I mean, to that point, why do we even have a house

commemorating who is essentially our Hitler.

Maybe, just maybe, if we took those kids

and didn't tell them,

"Hey, day one, you're in Hitler House.

"Good luck, Matey Potatey,"

we'd have a few less dark wizards on our hands.

I'll be cockhead (inaudible).

It's a self fulfilling prophecy.

Have at thee!

Oh, look. I'm about to decide where you should go.

Hm, interesting. I've decided that you're a big gay.

So, it's off to Poofter House with you.

It's been decided.

Poofter House for the bloody poofter.

Hey, not cool you fucking homophobe.

- Oh, I'm sorry. I couldn't hear you defending minorities

over all of these gay thoughts of yours.

How gay.

(laughs) Gay.

Good day, mate. What do you know.

Oh, yeah.

See that?

Heart on my sleeve.

I'm Senator Geoff Quinn.

Are you like me?

Are you fed up with feeling scared, fearful,

in your own home?

I don't want to be scared in my home anymore.

Good on you.

We are being influxed and used,

fluttered with a mass immigration

of people who come from a deeply inappropriate culture.

Like the wizards sitting around their bums

changing the very fabric of the universe on a whim.

And they don't say anything, these polly waffle bastards.

They're not prepared to speak the truth.

That's my problem. If anything I'm too open,

I'm too direct, I'm too honest.

Kangaroo. Wallaby.

We feel the same thing, don't we?

Bilby.

Of course we do.

Beaconsfield miners.

Now, look, I'm not saying that all wizards are terrorists,

but every terrorist seems to be a wizard,

isn't that the case? Crikey!

I'm a parrot.

I love my kids,

and I'm looking forward to having grand kids,

but I tell you what,

I do not want to have a baby bones.

Get rid of that.

It's disgusting.

Crikey!

I'm a fish and chips shop owner

and thank you for your patronage.

I still have nightmares of that.

Fishy Thursday.

Bloody Gandalf the Grey,

why not Gandalf the Green and Gold,

you terrorist mong.

Uluru!

We're gonna do the right thing

by our people at the ballot box.

Come on, let's do it!

We can work together.

We can stop the cloaks.

- You're a bloody bones of bloke, the tripe B.

Love your work, mate.

You're bloody welcome.

Great song, mate.

It's disgusting.

I can't believe he's getting so much traction.

Worse that he's right.

It's a great song.

This day couldn't get worse.

First dad goes missing and now this.

He's right about us as well.

A couple of dark wizards really take advantage of the chaos,

and they fuck it up for the rest of us.

I'm not going home, I can't.

The stories about wizards fitting in

just fine don't sell newspapers, Jack.

But you do have options.

Have you thought about starting a petition,

or you can canvas your local area.

I'll never have the reach that he has.

He's already got the public in his pocket.