Babylon

What is it, some sort of soluble polymer?

All right, lads? I'm David. We're from First Chance Actuarial.

~ Banjo. ~ We're from the ARV. It's a building society.

Yeah, work jolly. You know how it is?

Sometimes you just got to let off some steam, haven't you?

Yeah, er... Anyway... See you out there.

You won't see anything, mate.

~ Is anyone else finding their mask a bit pinchy? ~ No.

Mine's just a bit... pinchy.

Shit!

Let's bag us some grouse, boys. This is what suspension's all about.

HYPERVENTILATES

It's alright, lads. We're all clear.

I can't see!

GROANING

~ Robbie would have loved this. ~ Where is he, anyway?

The fourth Beatle? Texted him. Didn't text back.

ORGAN PLAYS

Just a polite reminder.

Next time you're thinking about going rogue, and

popping up on Sky News without telling me...

Did I not? I thought I mentioned it.

Yeah, you'll run it through me, because from now on, Liz, you know who you are?

You're The Queen.

You're a figurehead in a set of pearls and a nice hat,

and we just wheel you out whenever we want you to wave at someone.

And do you know who I am? I'm the Prime Minister.

I run things. The minute he takes the Iron Chair, your head on a pike.

It's a funeral, Finn. How about you show some respect.

Two neighbours. The fighting type.

One gets drunk, and reverses his car into the fence. But whose fence is it?

Because now this guy's refusing to pay.

And every Friday and Saturday night they get two sheets to the wind,

and end up scrapping it out on the front lawn.

Richie Miller.

Bright and early one Sunday morning.

He goes out and he puts up the fence himself.

Right out there in front of the whole neighbourhood.

Now, that's the Richie Miller I remember.

Man of the people.

Boots on the ground.

That's who he was.

~ You all right, Rob? ~ Yeah.

I'm just not hungry. I saw an eyelash on my sausage.

Bonus. Free banger.

Pull the old Grange Hill.

Listen, mate, have you spoken to your legal guy?

Look, Robbie, a few hours in the hot seat and it's done.

That's the beauty of the fast-track system.

This time next week you'll be cruising in the Trojan gagging on my eggy farts.

He's right, mate. You don't need to worry. I'm the fuck-up.

~ It weren't your fault, mate. ~ I missed the

gun. He was packing it, and I missed it.

~ Yeah, but it was dark, innit? ~ So what are you

saying? I just need to eat more fucking carrots?

You could've been killed, but if I go in there and tell them,

some curly-wigged pube sucker's gonna put me out of a job.

Listen to me, it weren't your fault, all right?

Karl was just an ordinary, decent guy, and that is how we're gonna remember him today.

We just want to know what happened to him.

We just want answers.

Where's the police?

And if there's nothing to hide, why won't no-one talk to us?

Hi, Liz. I've got Mo, for the Twitter Q and A.

Finn said you'd take care of it.

I'm sure he did.

So, Mo was responsible for an 18 per cent reduction

in street drinking offences in his area,

plus he introduced a new dog-fouling initiative.

Dog-fouling. That's... great.

That's something we can all get behind.

It's not like there's a pro-dog shit lobby.

It's a start. We're still implementing.

So, are you two OK if I leave you two to it?

Absolutely.

Well, let's... get down to it.

Roberts was heavily tipped in '06, but the feeling was

he was a bit of a fart in the bath, politically speaking.

Forget Roberts. Forget Collins. Look at all these bald, boring, white bastards.

It's like staring into the crowd at a fucking Genesis concert.

You're the alternative, and we shouldn't be afraid to lean into that.

Do you know what this force was like 30 years ago?

It wasn't very friendly towards black people.

I mean, the lads on the van were all right, if you could take a joke.

But it wasn't all that easy to get promotion. It was harder for me.

But, yeah, things change.

Except, now people look at me and they say, "Oh,

has he had a few favours? Is he really all that?"

And, I don't talk about that. No, I don't even mention that

because people don't need much to have you down as chippy you see, or difficult.

So I don't give them the chance.

So, if you think that after swallowing all that, I'm going to let one single shitbag

say I got this job through anything other than sweat, shoe leather,

and ability, then, with all due respect, you can fuck right off.

~ Frankly. ~ OK.

No. With me we emphasise the bearing.

~ I have good bearing. ~ Awesome bearing.

~ Yeah, great bearing. ~ I'm the disciplinarian.

I'm the crime and punishment candidate. But one thing I'm not, and that is likeable.

I'm aware of that, I'm basically unlikeable.

Well, sir, I think you're being a little harsh on yourself there.

It's something we can work on.

Good. I don't want to lose this thing because

I'm not the Mayor's preferred squash partner.

In the meantime let's keep reminding City Hall that I've got some flex in me.

I am open to any and all solutions to our current funding shortfall.

Yeah, sure. I mean, if that's the way you want to go.

And Tom, reach out to the mother of Karl Jefferies.

~ I'd like to sit down with her today, if possible. ~ Absolutely.

Now, the uniform. I've been thinking about some modifications

I'd like to make in the event of my appointment.

~ Can you...? ~ Sure, yeah.

Er, Tom, could you send out for some proper coffee?

~ Well, um, I can ask Cathy if she'd send out for some proper coffee. ~ Thanks.

~ Yeah, I've been looking at the epaulets. ~ Unbelievable...

Our Black Monday furniture sale will open in two minutes.

Thank you for your patience.

I mean, we're not protecting an embassy, are we?

It's hardly civil unrest, is it?

I don't see the difference. You turn up, do what they say, go home,

eat some beans, have a shit and go to bed.

The difference is, Nobbo, it's not public service.

I will put myself in harm's way for a

political exile. I will do that all day long.

But I will not take the bullet for a fucking mahogany bookcase.

~ It's the same. ~ Isn't the same.

Well, it is for me, because I don't give a shit about politics,

and I don't give a shit about furniture either.

We're doing more and more of them lately.

One a week, two a week... What's this? Third one this week?

Rent-a-cops. That's all we are.

Crowd control and hand relief.

Job. Beans. Shit.

Bed.

What do you think of that one? For the flat?

Yeah, maybe.

~ PHONE RINGS ~ I thought we could buy it today.

Yeah. Er, do you know what time you'll be starting?

Well, just, um, let me know what happens, yeah?

You need to get over to the far side, cos they're going to let them in.

Oh, right. Yeah.

Yeah, yeah, look I've... I've got to go, just...

Whoa!! Easy, easy. Everybody stay calm, it's, just...

Calm down, yeah? It's just some bargains. Let's try not to soil ourselves.

OK, here's a question from... No, sorry, that's offensive.

OK, here we go... That's inappropriate.

These aren't even questions, they're just unpleasant streams of words.

~ Hi. Where's Finn? ~ Upstairs with Charlie. Nine-thirty circle-jerk.

There's a briefing in C Room. You wanted to know

when the missing child appeal was going live?

Will you excuse me?

Get Carly.

~ Liz, er, do you want the... ~ Hold on to it.

OK.

I want to start the appeal by throwing the search open to the public.

That's potentially tricky, because we can't use volunteers in a missing child case

unless they've been CRB checked.

~ Oh, come on... ~ Well, think of the headlines.

Paedo helps cops in search for missing boy.

~ What about photos? ~ Um, not great. We've had one from the family, but it's tiny.

We tried blowing it up but...

Right. We know.

Have you seen this random collection of pixels?

So, we're leading with what?

We're going to go with this.

Er, I haven't seen this. Where did we get this?

~ We got it from his room. ~ And he had this with him when he went missing?

No, but it's his. It belongs to him.

~ Then I don't see the relevance. ~ The relevance is, we have nothing.

No photo. He's olive-skinned, which like it or not is a factor.

Blonde hair, blue eyes, certainly an easier sell, media-wise.

And the panda comes in where?

We don't say he had it with him.

We say, this is a real little boy, and we don't know where he is.

~ No, it's confusing. I don't see the relevance. ~ I like it.

We need to make people uncomfortable. Make them sit up, take notice.

We lead with that.

~ Anything else? ~ Erm...

Mia?

Do me a favour. Get me everything you can on Sharon.

~ Like what? ~ Height, weight, favourite member of the Wu-Tang Clan.

I don't know. Google her and find out what you can.

Can I get some water?

PC Collister, who took the call?

~ It came over the radio, sir. Er, it was probably Tony. ~ Sorry?

~ Tony. ~ PC Bancroft, could you just talk me through that footage, please?

~ I've just shot him in the back. ~ Mm-hm.

And to be fair, you can't really make it out on these cameras.

PC Vas, could you explain to me what's happening with your footage at this point.

Just trying to put the chest bandage on.

But he'd already gone.

That's why the camera's sort of all over the place,

because I'm pushing down on the bandage like this.

OK. You can put the iPad down now.

~ Thanks for coming in. ~ Cheers!

PC Tony Forbes.

Come in and be seated, please.

Grant. Liz.

Hi, Liz. Sorry I missed you at the funeral.

Nice service, I thought. Very intimate.