Slay Ride

["'Twas the Night Before Christmas" by The Jimmy C]

We did it.

Moved in, unpacked, furnished, and decorated,

-all before Christmas. -Here's to the dream team.

Cheers.

Now, if we can just make it through tomorrow.

Come on, it's gonna be you and me,

and your brother and his ex, and your nieces.

What could go wrong?

Well, he could start drinking, for one.

Which he will definitely do,

because Elizabeth will be there.

Right, and the girls could set the house on fire.

Which would definitely piss me off.

The fire extinguisher's under the sink.

I saw that.

So?

It's gonna be perfect.

Yeah.

So before all that,

I have a Christmas Eve present for you to open.

Ooh, okay.

Just relax, and I'll be right back.

["We Wish You a Merry Christmas" instrumental]

Honey.

Oh, Jack.

Jack?

Jack!

...

[frantic "Jingle Bells" instrumental]

Ho, ho, ho.

This is .

You think, you know you've

Ho, ho!

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho.

Have you left yet?

Yes.

Wow. Were you the first one to leave?

No, Lucy left without telling anyone.

Smart.

Why didn't we think of that?

Right? It was hilarious.

Jeff wanted to run some numbers by her at the party.

By the time he finally called her,

she was already on the freeway.

I snuck out while he was complaining

that she'd left before the Secret Santa Exchange.

So you also left before the Secret Santa Exchange?

Yes, but in my defense, I forgot to buy anything.

Well, serves him right for having a company party

on Christmas Eve.

You almost here?

I just stopped at the straw market

to grab a couple of things.

Okay, well, hurry. Beau is waiting.

He is? How sweet.

Uh, yeah.

I kind of told him

he could open one of his presents tonight,

and now he can hardly contain himself.

Why would you tell him that?

Because it's Christmas Eve, and his mother isn't here.

Nice, Barry.

You know I had no choice.

What was I supposed to do,

miss the annual company Christmas party?

I was just trying to make it a memorable Christmas

and get him excited.

It's one present, what's the big deal?

Well, it's me who actually went

and bought presents for our son,

wrapped them and put them under the tree,

so it seems a little unfair

after you've done practically nothing.

Except help pay for them?

Exactly.

And now you've told him he can open one,

you don't even know what they are.

Jeez, Holly.

He seemed a little upset that you weren't here,

so I told him when you got home,

we'd open one of his presents.

If he was unhappy, all you had to do

was put on The Grinch, or Scrooged, or read him a story.

Okay, fine, I'm sorry.

But damage is done, so pretty please with a cherry on top?

Hurry home.

Fine. Make sure he waits until I get there.

Yeah.

Yet another victim of the Kris Kringle Killer,

making this the 11th victim in as many days.

There is conjecture that the killer,

in a grotesque distortion of the holidays

-aligning these murders... -Hello.

...With the 12 days of Christmas,

which means he isn't done yet.

Police are recommending that you do not walk

the city streets alone,

and that if you have any information that could help

lead to the capture of the Kris Kringle Killer,

that you call it in immediately.

Additionally, they are suggesting that you

check your car before getting in,

because the killer is finding his victims

in the parking lots of liquor stores and gas stations.

Back to you, Bill.

With the Washington Monument in the background,

the President was supposed to be live...

Merry Christmas.

Hey, you can't say that.

You have to say Happy Holidays.

Sorry, didn't mean to wish you a Merry Christmas.

On Christmas.

...many days. They've been taking, uh, politicians...

The neighbors found the body

in the same position as the others,

sitting underneath the Christmas tree

with his throat cut.

Jeez, what is this, Nightmare Before Christmas?

["Christmas Morning" by The Jimmy C]

Holy shit!

-Holy shit! -Hello.

Holly Woods?

Shit.

You've been naughty.

Ho...

Ho...

Ho...

All naughty girls get punished!

No, no, no, no, no!

You bitch!

Naughty, naughty, naughty!

Shit, shit! Shit, shit. Shit.

Oh, shit.

I-- fuck!

Naughty! Naughty!

Fuck!

Oh! Oh! Oh.

Oh! Oh.

- -Out!

Get out!

I told you, he was already in the car.

Okay, and this is the best description you can give us?

He was wearing a mask, the entire time.

And when the mask finally did come off,

he had makeup

and a Santa Claus beard underneath the mask,

to make himself look like Santa Claus.