Two and a Half Men

* Men. *

* Oh, the weather outside is frightful *

* But the fire is so delightful *

* And since we've no place to go *

* Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow. *

Snow, sleet, rain, sun,

you've still got no place to go.

: Which is why I'm grateful

for your generosity, Mr. Scrooge.

Speaking of generosity,

check out what I got Chelsea.

Diamond earrings. Nice.

Yeah. She dropped a couple of hints

about stuff she wanted.

But I wasn't really listening, so I got her these.

How romantic. Will she be joining us for dinner?

I think so.

She's out doing some last minute shopping.

Or something with work, again, I wasn't really listening.

Why did you mail me a letter?

Oh, I decided to send out a Harper Christmas Newsletter.

You know, keep everybody updated on all things Harper.

You're kidding.

: Don't worry, governor,

I didn't mention your ongoing battle

with the demon rum.

"As this wonderful year draws to an end,

"I send this note to family and friend.

"So thankful are we for blessings galore.

"Like Charlie's fiancée--

a lady, not a whore."

Keep reading.

"And young master Jake is growing like a weed.

He makes us all proud, not a waste of my seed."

Keep going, keep going.

"He tried his darnedest in every class.

And made tenth grade by the skin of his ass."

And, see, I put in a little drawing

of an elf with his pants down.

What the hell's the matter with you?

You're a grown man.

Oh, come on, people love this stuff.

Read, read.

"And our sweet mother Evelyn had a small operation.

Her secret garden needed rejuvenation."

Secret garden?

Find a rhyme for vulva.

I dare you.

"And what about the author of this Christmas poem?

"He's healthy and happy in his beautiful home.

"And while some might argue that he's just a leech,

it bothers him not, he lives at the beach."

"Happy Holidays from the Happy Harpers."

What do you think?

You're sad, pathetic, lonely and blue.

If I gave a rat's ass, I'd worry about you.

: Expecting rough weather, Captain?

What?

: What you looking at?

Uh, nothing.

Really?

So the beautiful girls playing volleyball

completely escaped your eye?

I see 'em, you perv.

The little hottie in the tank top is checking you out.

I know.

Now please go away.

Why don't you go down there and talk to her?

I can't.

Why not?

I got a girlfriend.

Oh, buddy, you can't call the posters in your room girlfriends.

No, I'm talking about Celeste.

I'm in a committed relationship.

What are you talking about? You're 13.

I'm 15.

Who cares?

You're too young for a committed relationship.

I'm 40 and I'm barely ready.

You're 42.

What is it with you and numbers?

Let me ask you something--

where is Celeste right now?

She's spending Christmas with her mom in Brentwood.

So what, your life just stops when she's gone?

That's the deal we made.

Listen to me, if you want to go talk to the beach girl,

you've got every right to do so.

Are you sure?

I don't think so.

Don't worry about it.

Just go talk to her.

Can I borrow ten bucks?

Why?

If she shoots me down,

then I can go buy a couple corn dogs.

She's not going to shoot you down.

Yeah, but now I got a taste for corn dogs.

Just go.

What if she wants a corn dog? She's about to meet one.

Now get out of here.

Do I look okay?

Jake, she waved at you. She smiled.

Clearly her standards aren't that high.

Right. Thanks.

When did I turn 42?

Son of a bitch.

Hey, I'm an organ donor. Good for me.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men... *

* Men.

Hey, Berta, merry Christmas.

Thank you, Charlie.

You're very generous.

Well, I just want you to know

that I appreciate all your hard work.

And I appreciate you pretending I work hard.

Hey, you feeling lucky?

What do you got in mind?

My Christmas bonus--

double or nothing that Zrbnck makes the field goal.

Are you crazy?

That's 52 yards.

He hasn't made one that long all year.

I got a hunch.

You got a bet.

There's the snap.

The kick is up.

It's long enough, but wide.

It's no good.

Zrbnck's missed another one.

Well, happy birthday, Jesus.

Told ya.

No biggie.

Easy come, easy go.

Sorry.

Looks like the grandkids are getting

beef jerky and Lotto scratchers this year.

Here.

You're too kind.

Don't mention it.

You got a big heart.

Thank you.

Double or nothing they don't make the first down.

Hey.

Oh, hey. Where you been?

Out on the beach.

So, how'd it go?

Fine. I'm getting her a grape soda.

No, no, no, no, no.

You don't bring the grape soda to her.

You bring her to the grape soda.

Her who?

Hang on.

You bring her here.

She sees your beautiful house.

She thinks you've got it going on,

and then you've got a shot at...

Well, I don't know what you got a shot at, but you got a shot.

Whoa, whoa, catch me up.

Do you see what I'm saying?

So I should bring her here?

Absolutely.

Women love this house.

It's an aphrodisiac.

I don't think she's afro anything.

She's more like Chinese.

Wait, who's Chinese? What's going on?

He met a girl on the beach and I'm helping him out.

What about Celeste?

Uncle Charlie said my life shouldn't stop just 'cause she's not around.

So you're encouraging my son to cheat on his girlfriend?

Oh, come on, there's no cheating going on.

Are you cheating? I'm not sure.

You're not cheating.

Yes, he is.

How would you feel if Celeste was somewhere right now

flirting with some other guy?

How do you know she's not?

She's with her mom.

And you're with your dad,

but that's not stopping you, is it?

Good point.

No, no, it's a lousy point.

Relationships are built on trust and mutual respect.

Oh, grow up.

Relationships are built on diamond earrings and Viagra.

Now go take the young lady her grape soda.

I still think it would help

if I had some corn dog money to flash around.

Go.

Shame on you.

What's the big deal?

It's not like he and this Celeste girl are sleeping together.

No, no, but I think that once a relationship reaches any physical level,

there's an implied commitment.

Yeah, that's because you married the first girl