American Housewife

I know it's Christmas, Mom,

but I think you have to stay home with Dad.

He needs you to take care of him right now.

I'm sad, too.

Bye, Mom.

What's with the happy dance?

Remember how my dad's foot surgery

was supposed to be healed by now?

It did, but great news.

The bone set wrong, and they had to rebreak it.

How lucky is that?

You're a regular Clara Barton.

It's not an insult if I don't know who you're talking about.

- True. - I'm gonna miss my dad,

but with my mother not being here,

I will finally be able to make

my Nana's Bavarian Meat Tree with Taylor.

What are you signing me up for?

It's this tradition I always did with her.

It's a mini Christmas tree

made of sausage, lunch meats, and meatballs.

For Christmas this year, I want to not do that.

You're gonna love it so much!

If it's so great, then why'd you stop doing it?

After Nana died, my mother banned it.

With your parents not coming and my parents not coming,

- it's just gonna be us. - Mm.

You still haven't talked to Grandpa? It's been two years.

Well, since he told me he had a second family in England

and I have a brother that I've never met...

also named Greg...

Are we allowed to laugh at that yet?

No!

Anyway, I haven't really been in the mood

to call up my parents and see what's shakin'.

I'm sorry, Dad.

It's a little weird that it's Christmas

and there's no other family coming.

It's kind of depressing, actually.

All I know is, less relatives means less gifts.

You mean "fewer" relatives means "fewer" gifts.

Hey, Dad? Literally no one cares.

Speaking of gifts, I got you

the perfect Greg Otto gift this year.

I put a lot of thought into it.

I didn't just give you the Starbucks gift card

that I forgot to give Anna-Kat's teacher.

I can't wait.

Maybe this won't be so bad.

Maybe less family means less drama.

Don't you mean "fewer" family means "fewer" drama?

Oliver, no! I made that! Get out of my face!

Oliver, what did you do?

He broke the chimney off my gingerbread house.

It's food!

I built that with Dad!

You wrecked the whole ventilation system.

There's a vanilla wafer furnace!

Stop ruining our drama-free Christmas!

Now, go upstairs and do something together.

Without fighting, or Christmas is canceled!

Remember what we said about making threats

we can't follow through on?

Who are you to talk?

You potty-trained all three of them

by threatening if they didn't stop using diapers,

Elmo would quit show business.

04x10 - The Bromance Before Christmas

Hey, Mom.

One sec. I'm tracking Dad's surprise Christmas gift.

It's exactly what he needs this year.

Don't ask what it is, because I'm not going to tell you.

I won't, because I have zero interest.

I'll tell you if you guess.

Fine.

Uh... surfboard?

That was a terrible guess.

It was better when you didn't even care.

Ehh.

This is so much meat!

I know! I'm handing down the family meat-tree tradition.

I can't believe this is what I inherit.

Don't you have any jewelry?

No, you get a meat tree.

I'm sorry I ate your chimney, so let me make it up to you.

Wait. This is where Mom and Dad hide all our presents?

In their closet? Not smart.

Nope. We are fighting an uphill battle genetically.

Mine.

Taylor's.

Yours.

Feels like another junior-executive pencil set.

What part of "I'll just take the cash"

do they not understand?

Oh, this unwrapped one has no card.

It's probably for me.

Says who?

I do!

Oh, no! We broke Mom's serving platter.

Mom uses it every Christmas.

We're so dead.

No one has to know. I can fix this.

How? It's completely broken.

Do you know how many things I've broken in this house

and glued back together with no one noticing?

I can fix this thing. No problem.

I don't think I could handle seeing the disappointed look

on Mom's face if she found out we broke it.

That would kill me.

That's the beauty... there's no guilt.

Because I do such a great job at fixing things,

there are never any consequences.

Have you ever broken anything of mine and not told me?

Never.

I don't believe you.

Clever girl.

This is so nasty.

I can't get the meat rolls to stick.

I know. My grandmother made it look easy.

- But we're making memories. - Not good ones.

Nobody get the door except Dad!

Greg! Your present's here!

Maybe it's Amazon

with the "Big Book of Shakespearean Insults" I asked for.

"Methink'st thou art a general offense

and every man should beat thee"!

Okay.

Hello. Are you Greg Otto?

Yeah.

- I'm Greg Otto, too. - What's that, now?

Greg, this is Greg,

your half-brother from your father's secret family

all the way from England.

I told you I got you the perfect Greg Otto gift!

You're my half-brother.

But I'm going to give you a full hug.

I said I wanted the Shakespeare book.

Shakespeare!

Brother!

So, I bet you're wondering how all of this happened, Greg.

No, it's pretty clear how this happened.

I met a cute girl when I was a TA,

and now I'm here.

A few weeks back, I found out from Father

that I have a long-lost brother in the Colonies.

That means America.

Everyone knows that.

Well, that's where you're wrong, Oliver,

because I don't know that.

Look at you, making me feel stupid.

Well, as luck would have it, when I tracked you down,

your lovely wife happened to answer the phone.

That was lucky.

I'm a lucky guy.

While we spoke, I mentioned I was coming to lecture at Yale.

And I said, "Let's keep this a secret

and have you come over as a surprise gift for Christmas."

British Gregs are flying off the shelves this year.

It's so cool we have a British uncle.

Here. What's this called?

A biscuit.

Aw, man, that is not what we call it here at all.

Chiseled face, charming accent.

Would it be okay if I called you "Dad"?

Oliver!

Shh, Greg. I'm talking to my dad.

So, uh...

how did it come up with Father that you have a brother?

He told me while he was in London

for the Charles Dickens Holiday Festival.

We've gone together every year since I was a boy.

How nice.

The only place he ever took me was the travel agent

so that he could buy his plane tickets...

...to England.

Ah.

Interesting tidbit...

not only are you both professors,

but you're both authors, too.

That's right. Greg, I read your John Stuart Mill book on the plane.

I absolutely loved it.

Thank you.

You need to say something to him right now.

Talk to him. Say something!

What's your book about?

Books, technically.

It's a series of novels about the Norman Conquest.

A series? Wow.

I mean, don't feel obligated to read it.

It's a lot.

Uh, just wait for it to come out in theaters.

Unless you don't like George Clooney. Then just skip it.

Dad, this is crazy. Uncle Greg is exactly like you,

only the way-better version.

What an astute observation, son.

No, seriously. He's Restoration Hardware,

and you're whatever discount brand this couch is.