Teachers

How did I get here?

Will someone please tell me how I got here?!

_

Well, well, well. Ms. Watson.

Doesn't this place look fine as cream gravy?

Well, that's mighty kind of you, sir.

And aren't you lookin' right as rain?

Well, thank you, little lady.

Spit-shined my spurs 'specially for the hoedown.

This is my favorite event of year.

Mine too! I look forward to this magical night

all the school year long.

Might I say you look pretty

as a prize-winnin' pony,

which leads me to, do you have

yourself a date for this fine night?

Oh, I will be accompanied to the dance tonight.

Well.

Sounds like you're gonna be

busy as a June bug in, uh...

Well, like a bug festival.

I don't know. I... I love the hoedown.

Gotta go.

That headset makes you look like you

should be working in an Arby's drive-thru.

It's for my performance tonight, Deb.

I didn't know you sang.

Uh, yeah, it's actually really easy.

And tonight, one of my students, George,

is bringing his super-famous dad,

97.2's The Howler.

The morning DJ?!

I won a $60 gas card from that guy!

I called in, and he correctly guessed my cup size.

It was remarkable.

I sent him my demo, and George said,

and I quote, I have "amazing potential."

Really? He's super hard to impress.

He's like the Simon Cowell of radio, except super fat.

You can hear how fat he is on the radio.

Ew. Why are you dressed like Deb?

I'm in mourning.

Hot Dad and I will never be together because...

You slammed into his sliding glass door?

Sucked on his face while teaching sex-ed?

Popped your hymen jumping over a hurdle?

No. Because Hot Dad and his wife are back together.

I was gonna ask him to the hoedown,

and we would've had our first dance

at the social event of the school year.

But now that's ruined.

I can't eat, I can't sleep,

and I haven't been to church since Sunday.

It's Monday.

Deb, why don't you go slit your wrists

- like you're always threatening to? -

I'm sorry.

I'm obviously not doing well.

Look, just because Hot Dad's wife is back in town

doesn't mean they're together again.

Just call a parent-teacher conference

and find out if he's single.

That's what I do with all my good-looking dads.

That's a great idea. I gotta go.

And make sure to dress like your version of a hooker!

She's still gonna look like a

12-year-old boy in Grandma drag.

I don't know why everyone gets so excited

about this stupid dance every year.

I know. Who decided the hoedown

was the high point of the year? I hate school dances.

Yeah, they're bullshit.

Prissy, pre-teen girls waiting around

for a bunch of brain-dead jocks to pick them out

like some stuffed doll they've won in a carnival game.

You never got asked to a dance, did you?

- No. - Me neither.

My best friend Christy Zwicky and

I always used to make plans to have a girls' night instead,

but then she'd blow me off for a guy.

- Damn. What a bitch. - Yeah.

... the hoedown.

I'm not going this year.

Me neither. You know what?

Let's have a girls' night. We should hang out.

We can drink wine, paint...

Is that what women do together?

Weird.

Okay, I'm in.

So the thing about our solar system is that

everything revolves around the sun.

If you think about,

I'm kinda like the sun.

Why are you like the sun?

- Because I'm a star. - So you're over 4 billion years old?

That's strike one, Nora.

Okay, enough science. Who cares?

Tonight, when you take the

stage as my backup dancers,

you will move around me

like the planets revolve around the sun.

However, you will not eclipse me.

We want George's dad, The Howler, to see Ms. Snap shine.

He will be there tonight, right, George?

I told you a million times. Yes.

Oh, my God.

That's crazy. This is really my chance.

Okay, I don't want to put pressure on you people,

but if this doesn't go well, I will probably kill myself.

"To the coolest lady with red hair,

"when you're around, I can't help but stare.

"I hope you will give this student a chance

"and be my date at tonight's hoedown dance.

"Sincerely, your secret admirer."

Hello, sir. Nice hat.

Thank you. I love a good pinch front crease.

Feldman?! What are you doing?

I'm driving for Lyft.

But before you freak out,

I'm only driving through lunch, gym, art,

and my prep period, so technically,

I am not doing anything wrong.

Do you do this all the time?

Only when I'm short on rent.

So yeah, I do it all the time.

And we are off to...

Pamper Me Royally Day Spa?

Oh, what?

I want to look good for the dance, so sue me.

Guess what, gang.

We are gonna take an early recess today.

Doesn't that sound fun?

Off you go.

Come on. Quick like bunnies.

Ms. Bennigan. Hello.

Hot Dad.

Hey there, mister, mister!

You look nice.

This old thing?

I found this at the bottom of a shoebox.

A shoebox?

Okay.

Well, I'm glad that you called me in.

I've actually been wanting to talk with you.

- You have? - As you know,

Blake's mom is back in town,

and we've been talking a lot.

- And we've decided... - Ugh!

Sorry, I'm late.

Apparently you can't vape on school grounds.

Hot mess.

And Blake's been making friends in class

despite his age and drastic size difference.

That's great. But is there a problem?

Well, that depends.

Did you both come here in the same car?

- What? - Hmm?

I'm kidding.

No. There's no problem.

I'm just having unnecessary conferences

with all the parents, but in the future,

should I call you?

Or you?

Or will you be in your house together,

till death do you part, so I only need to call one of you?

- Um, you can just call me. - Okay! Great.

'Cause that's what I'm used to. And I'd hate to

have to break my routine, you know what I mean, Sharon?

Okay, well, we should get going.

Back to the home you both share?

- I'm sorry, what was that? - Huh? What?

Nothing. Nothing at all.

- We'll see you tonight. - Tonight?

Yeah, we're chaperoning the hoedown together.

Of course you are.

Together.

Okay, bye-bye.

Okay.

Oh, do you wanna hit up Burger Squeeze?

All fried apps are half-price before 3:00 p.m.

and I am jonesing for an onion ring tower!

Kill me.

I know we're so excited for the hoedown,

and I'm sure you're all probably wondering,

who is Ms. Watson taking to the dance tonight?

We assumed you were going alone.

Don't play with me today, Marco.

Let's just say it's not who I'm taking,

it's what I'm taking.

I'll give you a hint:

I'm sure your stomachs are "churning"

- in anticipation. - Huh?

Ta-da!

Isn't it a beaut?

Your date's an old-timey toilet plunger?

No, it's called a butter churn.

My ancestors brought it over

a little ship called "The Mayflower."

Ever heard of it?

I almost never take it out