The League

Ellie, back up.

Don't put your fingers in there.

He'll bite your digits off.

Why do we have to have this thing here, anyway.

It's her class pet.

She might have volunteered to take it home for Thanksgiving weekend.

Ah, perfect.

He has a name, guys.

His name is Shakespeare.

He's vermin.

Can he sleep with me?

Absolutely not.

But he can't sleep alone.

He has to sleep with somebody.

Hey!

What?

This thing won't stop staring at me.

He's not looking at you.

Yes, he is.

Look at him.

He's looking right at me.

Just put him in the kitchen.

Near the food?

Good God, woman, that's how the plague started.

Are you afraid of Ellie's guinea pig?

No!

I just don't trust it.

46, 47, 48... You know, this really isn't isn't fair.

I shouldn't have to pay the whole thing.

Look, the rules of the fat bet, they are simple, they are unbending.

You either put in 30 minutes of cardio a day, or you put 50 bucks in the pot.

Yes, but I'm at a disadvantage.

I didn't get to sleep at all because Ellie's fat guinea pig

kept me up all night.

How'd yours go, Ruxin?

I ran.

Mm-hmm.

Bullshit, proof.

You want to see my pedometer that you make me wear?

Yes.

What does it say, Pete?

Shit, he ran three miles.

And I feel great.

Got a runner's high.

I just can't wait for this whole thing to be over so I can

get back to my eater's high.

You mean diabetes?

Whatever, it's almost over, okay?

Thanksgiving is right around the corner, buddy.

You're gonna come over for for Thanksgiving?

I'm gonna eat the shit out of some turkey.

Good, 'cause that's when we're gonna do the final weigh-in.

What about me?

Tommy the Turkey.

I love going over to Kevin's house.

Are you coming over for Thanksgiving?

Nope, because my parents think I'm going to Sofia's

family's house, and Sofia's family thinks that I'm staying home to work.

I'm gonna have my house to myself, where I can roll around my home like an

anonymous man in a hotel room.

Where a man is at his most base.

Exactly.

Pulling out Spiderman's left and right.

Yeah?

When you nut in your hand, and you just... on the window.

I've been collecting those hotel-sized moisturizer bottles

just getting ready.

Well, whatever you do, make sure you don't use Sofia's

Noxzema, 'cause it burns.

Why would I use Noxzema?

'Cause it's cold and tingly like a girls vagina.

What?

Go swimming.

Same thing here.

Don't be eating at least an hour before you do plyo.

All right?

Ladies, how's the workout going?

Awful.

It's horrible.

Why aren't you working out?

'Cause I'm going running later.

I can't believe they opened a Curves gym in your garage.

Get your feet off the cage.

It smells like a Guatemalan YMCA in here.

Congratulations on that.

Oh, take a break.

What's up?

A little P90X?

Bring it!

Oh, God.

Big news.

Got a plus one for Thanksgiving.

Guess who?

Did you meet him on Craigslist?

Are his intentions honorable?

No, my sister, Heather Nowzik.

Is she still pushing three bills?

No, no, no, no.

Got the lap band.

She looks great.

Andre, and I say this fondly, your sister was such an unrelenting slutbag.

All right, you know what, I think you guys blew that out of proportion.

She taught me everything I know about going down on a woman.

I didn't even go there.

I never slept with her, so... Well, you were never invited to hit it.

The most promiscuous woman we know wouldn't have sex with you.

How does that feel?

Facial.

I'm pretty sure the facials were going towards her, Andre.

Yeah.

You nasty, Ruxin, you nasty.

What do I do first?

Look at porn or check my lineup?

How about both?

All righty.

Hmm.

Oh, yeah, I think I'm gonna do about five miles today.

Hello?

Dad?

Rodney.

Everybody calls me Ruxin.

Rodney.

What are you doing here, Dad?

Well, you know, your mom went to spend Thanksgiving with her

sister the shoplifter, and I, as far as she's concerned, was

out of town on business.

I thought you were gonna be with the conquistadors, your wife's family?

Weren't you spending Thanksgiving down there?

Well, as far as they're concerned, I'm home on business.

Yeah, well, nice to see you.

Since you're here, why don't you, uh, spend Thanksgiving here with me?

Spend Thanksgiving with you here?

Yeah.

Sure.

Great.

That's a great idea.

We'll be together.

We'll be together on Thanksgiving.

Well, look at you, you little homunculus, uh, without any

pants and no shoes.

Like a man who's just fled from a carnival.

You know, you look a bit pale.

Some would say pasty.

I say like a freshly peeled apple.

You look well, too, Rupert.

Everybody calls me Ruxin... Rodney.

A bet's a bet.

It sucks.

I feel like the only place I might be losing weight is in the area...

We got it.

Nether... We got it.

Don't hold back on my account.

No, no, continue with this homoerotic competition talk.

It's more than delightful.

Ruxin, how are you doing?

I will also be paying $50 today, as I did not have a

chance to run 'cause of my father's joyous visit.

But I'm glad to have him here.

I'm glad to be here.

I would rather pay that $50 than not have my dad here.

It's so great that you have your dad with us.

It's awesome.

Are you part of this group?

I'm sorry, we haven't been introduced.

Andre.

Andre?

Yeah, I was over at your house all the time.

Yeah, you used to call him "that boy."

You told me to stop wearing black because I looked like Nosferatu.

I'm so sorry.

No, I don't recall that.

Hey, I'm Kevin.

Remember me?

Look, he still talks like he's 17.

Sure, I remember you.

What have you done with yourself?

Let me guess, let me guess.

Car salesman?

Or, I know, failed inventor.

I'm actually a district attorney.

Really?

Assistant district attorney.

You won.

You won after all.

Oh, wow.

Like father like son.

So good to see.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Hmm.

Anyhow, not sure I you ever knew this, but, um, used to

steal all the liquor from your cabinets and replace the bottles with water.

I was quite aware.

That's why I peed in the bottles before you ever got there.

That's why mescal never tasted the same.

As much fun as this all is, got to go to the bathroom.

Hey, another of these, please.

Just get it right.

Okay.