It's Not Me, It's Him (C'est pas moi, c'est lui)

You're a beautiful doggie. Oh, such a beautiful doggie.

Come on, Aldo, go get it. Hop! Fetch.

Fetch, come on.

Fetch.

Bring to daddy.

My child,

are you a boy, are you a girl?

Alas, I don't know...

You're probably wondering what your father's doing in the desert.

Come on, come on.

Know that I was not always a child of the desert.

Before being Arab, your father was a negro.

But this is a long story.

A negro, in the cinema, is someone who writes films without credit.

A humiliation that your grandmother endured even worse than me.

- He wrote it. My son. - Hush.

- There's no hiding it. - You don't have to shout it either.

This too, it's totally you.

It's obvious.

Quiet!

IT'S NOT ME, IT'S HIM

You told me when I had my phlebitis.

Who cares, ma'am.

You're right. Listen, listen.

That, too, is quite his father's humor.

Shut it!

But they have to know that it was you who did it.

His name isn't listed anywhere.

- It's true. - We're going.

He wrote it.

It's him, it's my son.

Sorry, sir. Do you know my son?

He's the one who wrote the film.

It's Pierre Renaud.

My son, Pierre Renaud.

Charles?

Saying negro means slave. And my own slaver was him: Georges Vallier.

Oh, it's you. Finally.

- Everything is there? - Yes.

I worked until 4 a.m. - Perfect.

Say so, big boy. The producers are there.

And of course, you prefer me not to be seen.

The eternal problem.

Should we know before or not? This is the water bucket theory.

The theory of what?

You'll understand.

Charlie?

I'd like them to see me.

Suppose you don't know the presence of the bucket.

You were unaware of the presence of the bucket,

hence the effect of surprise, hence the laughter.

Second version a little less primary,

I would say:

You know about the bucket, and he still doesn't.

Here, my little Charles.

Since you are so dedicated...

Come, come.

You laugh in advance to see him arrive all perky.

Smile.

Smile.

We savor the inevitable outcome.

Come in, Charles. We're waiting for you.

Laugh.

You know the dilemma now. Thank you, Charles. You can leave.

Gentlemen...

I believe that Monsieur has not covered the whole question.

It's over, we've laughed enough.

Let him talk, you never know.

These servants are sometimes priceless.

I would like to point out a third version,

more Hitchcockian, because it appeals to suspense.

Sorry.

Can you go down the hall?

How? Me? But you're crazy.

- Don't worry. - The bucket is empty.

I put the bucket on the door.

Sir doesn't know. I await his arrival.

I tell myself:

"What is sir doing?"

I wait, I wait.

But it takes a while, sir.

Sir!

This version is more unexpected.

You have to sign, dad, it's important.

It's not the moment.

And again, there, you laugh less because the bucket is empty.

So, is it over?

Fourth version.

It changes everything, with water.

I'm tired of you hiding from me like a shameful illness!

I am your syphilis.

- You're telling me just at the moment... - At the moment what?

An invitation to a cocktail party given by Aldo Barazzutti.

You are going to go instead of me.

Aldo Barazzutti is the Italian actor of the moment.

What's this?

I had put a cork, it must have jumped.

Oh, hold on.

- That's it, she's drowned. - U.S. too.

My my my.

I will see.

Who are these people?

Mr. George Vallier.

Who?

Mr. George Vallier.

- A ghost. - Who?

Oh dear.

So that makes me very, very, very happy.

Aldo Barazzutti. My respects.

What an honor. What an honor.

I have great admiration for you. - Me?

But yes. May I borrow him from you?

Like that, we're going to chat a bit. Sit on the other side.

Here, here.

So like that, you know everything about me.

Sure. I've only been in Paris for a few days,

but I know a lot about what's going on here.

I know who is who, and especially who does what.

Believe me.

So you know... Vallier, all that?

I know everything, Vallier, all that.

What is happening here?

Oh, it's curious.

How's it going sir?

Well, we're going somewhere else.

So do you like my house?

Very very beautiful.

There.

And there you go.

Martini.

Nope.

Well...

Both. There.

That's it. Thank you.

I've been following you for a long time.

You're the one I would love to work with.

- With me? - Yes, with you. Why?

You look surprised.

No, but it's the couch that...

But what is this sofa?

What is that?

Sir, I'm sorry...

What is this junk?

Oh, ma'am.

Your husband is better known than he thinks.

A screwdriver in the pants?

A way of saying that he has a fine feather.

It's true.

What is that?

These sofas are traps.

I'm sorry.

Carl! Carl!

I don't understand. You told me that...

Come inside.

We have more solid Louis XV sofas.

Nope!

Sorry, I don't feel very well.

Exactly. It will be better in the Louis XV sofas.

Don't insist.

I'm sorry, we have to go.

You're right. Oh yes, yes.

Well, dear lady, my compliments.

Dear sir, we'll call tomorrow.

Aldo Barazzutti.

- Madam, see you soon. - See you soon.

I'm telling you it's not Vallier.

I'm telling you it's not Vallier.

I tell you it's not Vallier!

"Isn't that Vallier?"

She tells you.

- What is she saying? - That it's not Vallier.

No, it's his...

It's his negro.

Vallier is a little brown!

Why are you screaming like that? It's annoying.

Vallier, he's a little dark-haired guy.

This man is a crook.

Passing himself off as Vallier...

Passing himself off as Vallier.

Ah! Who do I see appear? I have to talk to you, it's important.

I'm at your disposal.

I came to tell you that I'm stopping.

- What are you stopping? - Our collaboration.

Or rather my exploitation.

Because I'm fed up with misunderstandings, closet stories.

My work is a vaudeville?

What do you call that, you, the story of a guy...

sleeping with his wife's best friend...

and who doesn't know that the woman of this type sleeps with his?

A well put together comedy of manners.

Well, from now on, your comedies of manners,

you will write them by yourself.

If you get there.

You have to sign that, dad.

I'm busy.

Good morning, Mr. Barazzutti.

Oh, it's you.

How's it going?

Very well, thank you.

Well, sit down,