Happy Endings

Mmm. Mmm!

Eggnog is delish. Ah.

Mmm. Dairy and liquor are really

one of those underrated combinations.

Kinda like Garry Marshall and Hector Elizondo.

Yeah, they may be coming for Julia Roberts

and Annie Hathaway, but they're staying for Elizondo.

I am gonna miss this!

I am so bummed that Brad and I are gonna be gone for Christmas.

Yeah, it's gonna be horrible, me and Jane alone on the beaches

of Turks and Caicos all day. Oh, pooh.

All those drinks and those massages

and those vacation friends that we'll probably end up being

closer with than you guys long-term. Ohh.

Oh, no, Jane! The temperature just dipped

to 88 in Turks and 87 in Caicos.

Uh-oh. Ohh. Should we still go?

Uh... yeah!

More like jerks and bac-os.

Bacon substitute, remember?

And you guys are jerks, so...

It's not great.

So does everyone know what they're gonna get me

for Christmas?

Pen, just tell us what you want

and save yourself some disappointment.

No, I'd rather be surprised by a disappointment

than happy with what I expected.

It's why I never ask if a pool is heated.

Mm. Speaking of gifts, Max,

since tonight is the first night of Chanukah,

we have your Chanukah gift.

Well, while I do appreciate you using

the appropriate pronunciation, I grant you permission

to use the more common "Hanukkah."

And while you're at it, you don't have to start

every conversation with my dad by saying,

"can I ax you a question?"

Okay. Well, here is the greatest gift of all.

Are these the Glengarry leads?

No, those are for closers, you child. That is the number

to the best housekeeper in the world-- Gita.

- No! - What?!

You can't let Max anywhere near Gita. She is amazing.

The Polish Mr. Clean, Mama Giadki, is based on Gita.

She even taught us the song.

Well, don't worry. I won't let Max screw this one up.

Our apartment is in some serious need of some zgrabny.

Thank you.

Ugh! I'm running a charity drive for Midwestern Bank,

and my Santa canceled. He's having a hip replacement.

The Easter Bunny would play through that pain.

Just saying.

The event is tomorrow. Where am I gonna find a Santa?

You go down to the DMV. Then you go behind the DMV.

You find the smelliest guy there-- Leslie.

- Hmm. - Leslie will introduce you

to some randos who will do anything for anything.

Well, I mean, it's not just for anything. It's 500 bucks.

I'll do it. No questions asked.

Really? You want to play Santa?

'Cause you hate holidays, and you hate kids.

Yeah, but I love making extravagant promises

that I don't have to fulfill.

Plus, Penny, I really need the cash.

My limo business has hit a few shnags.

What?

Why?!

Aah! Damn it! They got the spare?

Come on, pen. I would be an awesome Santa.

I have a giant lap,

and I happen to look amazing in a chunky belt.

You look okay in a chunky belt.

Brad, tell her how good I look in a chunky belt.

Mm, you look chunky in a chunky belt.

Guys, guys. It's Christmas.

Must we have this argument ah-gayn and ah-gayn?

I'm sorry.

I look great in a chunky belt.

Cheers.

- Come on now. - Cheers.

Cheers to zgrabny.

Zgrabny!

All righty.

Hey, babe. I'm back. I--

What's happening? Do you need help or...

No, I'm good.

You got it?

Yeah, I am good.

Sweatin' a bit.

I... Invite you to admire

the first annual Christmas hub tub.

Ooh.

The hub tub turns pesky holiday organization

into an art form--

Recipes, tips, gifts, petty cash...

And everything that we need for our tropical vay-cay-cay.

Please don't say "vay-cay-cay." M'kay-kay?

- I even alarmed it. - Ooh.

Ohh.

Aah! Oh, God.

- Uh, that works. - Ohh.

Ohh.

Ah. Hey, check it out.

I got the casheesh for our trip.

2 grand in my hand.

Awesome. I'll slip that in my old hub tub.

Ah. Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

Yep.

I love "indecent proposaling" with you!

Max, gotta say, you're kinda rockin' the Santa suit.

Yep. Yep. This is gonna be the easiest gig ever.

I get paid 500 bucks to sit in a chair

and put up with greedy kids telling me

what kind of toys they want,

and, bonus, the Santa suit really does show off my Max ass,

- doesn't it, little one, huh? - Uhh.

- Huh? What more do you need? - Ew.

And get a hot load of the jiggle belly.

Ooh. Now that I like.

Ooh. Yeah. Who doesn't?

Yeah.

- Ooh. - I'll just turn it off.

It's not really turning off.

It's uh, ooh, it's hot.

The motor is really heating up,

and, uh, it's a very focused burn

that is h-- Ow! How, how, how, how!

How, how, ow!

Ow, owie, owie, owie, owie, owie, owie, owie, owie, owie!

So, Al, you're really going with the coupon books

that no one wants again this year?

It's the gift that keeps on disappointing.

People love my coupon books.

Who wouldn't want a free basic haircut and bang trim?

Or how about a nibble your name into a cob of corn?

Who wants that?

You know you want it. Pick a font, baby. Don't be shy.

I do not want that. Helvetica.

Al, you know the only reason you make these coupons

is because nobody's ever gonna cash 'em in.

I remember one year you gave me one

for a free indoor beach party. What was that?

I don't know, but it would have been fun.

Admit it. It's an empty gesture, like an e-card

or a formal apology after an anti-semitic rant.

They are not empty gestures, okay?

And I would love for people to cash in my coupons.

Okay, I am gonna cash in every single coupon

you've ever given me.

Nothing would make me happier.

That would be the best Christmas ever.

- Good. - Awesome.

Owie, owie, owie, owie, owie, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow!

It's burning! It's burning.

I can't turn it off! The remote won't work.

The remote is broken. It won't turn off.

- Max. - Uhh! It's burning.

Whew. Thank you.

- Uhh. - So what is, uh, everyone talking about?

Uh...

Babe, don't dirty up the place for Gita's benefit.

If it's too clean, she won't feel needed.

Well, if you want her to feel needed,

you give her more than $100 for her Christmas bonus.

Everybody knows it's double two weeks' pay.

No, that's how much an engagement ring costs.

No, that's two months' pay.

You're damn right it is. Just checking.

Seriously, babe, we gotta give her at least $300.

I mean... She knows about the drawer.

Okay, $200, but anything more than that,

she's gonna feel uncomfortable.

Well, I think discovering that drawer

is what made her feel uncomfortable.

Oh, hello, miss Jane, Mr. Brad.

Merry Christmas, Gita.

We have a special present for you.

Oh, miss Jane, Mr. Brad.

I-I don't deserve this.

Of course you do. You are the best.

How can I ever thank you?

You thank us by enjoying it.

Oh, boy.

Uh, I... uh, no. I-I cannot accept this.

Well, we tried.

We know that it's excessive, but you deserve it.

Ohh. Oh, I am going to go call my sisters

and tell them that you are good people.

What?

See?

$200-- More than enough.

Well, you know what else is more than enough? $2,000.

You just gave her our trip money.

Aah! That is impossible.

No. I can show you

right in...

- Yeah! - Ow.

I have it right here in the envelope labeled

"tr--gita."