Plebs

"Dear small business owner: As we haven't received

your self-assessment tax return for this year,

we estimate your company to be in debit

to the sum of 5,128 Denari."

- Oh, my God. Five grand?! - Well, a bit more.

- We're getting five big ones! - Get in, my son!

Hoo-hoo! Five biggies!

Let's buy a yacht! Oh, or a tiger!

You guys don't know what "debit" means, do you?

Oh, shit. Is it the other one?

So, it says we've got one week to pay up

or the bar will be liquidated.

OK, before I celebrate again, what does that one mean?

It means finding other, proper jobs

where we can't just eat nuts and pretend to polish cups all day.

And Jason, please, please, stop running tabs.

Yeah, it's just so much easier than taking actual money.

That's the whole point. Taking money is literally our only objective.

- I mean, who's Viggo? - He's my barber.

Right, well, he apparently owes us 570 Denari.

Nah. It's more like 500 now. He's been paying me back.

OK, good. And...

- Hang on, in money or...? - Haircuts, yeah.

Right, that explains why you've had five different styles this week.

Cos none of them have really settled. Know what I mean?

What do you think of a mohawk?

I think stop getting haircuts, mainly.

- And get the money he owes us. - All right, chill. I'm going.

- Snails are back. - Oh, not again.

Grumio, I thought you got rid of them.

I did. I suppose they just like the vibe in here.

That's because the vibe is damp and pooey.

They'd stay away if you cleaned this place up.

I am. Starting with these nuts.

No, start with the snails. Just round 'em up.

If they don't outpace you, that is.

Oh, blimey, it's a bloody massacre.

I'm just saying, a quiff would look banging on you.

No, thanks. I've had the same haircut for 28 years,

so I'll probably stick with it till I die now.

Oh, Gloria. Hi. Sorry to interrupt your pegging.

I was wondering if you could give us some advice

- about something a bit delicate? - Ooh, go on. Sounds intriguing.

Well, we've just been hit with a hefty tax bill

- and are wondering how to appeal it. - Not so intriguing, it turns out.

Um, no idea, I'm afraid. I leave all that to my accountants.

You might know them... Shatzberg and Shatzberg.

No. Why would I know them?

Well, cos it's a small community. I thought you all knew each other.

Yeah. I mean, I'm not Jewish.

- Oh. Sorry, I thought you were. - No way! So did I at first.

- Cos of the whole... - And the personality.

- OK, I am still here. - It was when I saw his pecker weren't circumcised

- that I knew for sure. - Let's leave it there, ideally.

- Thanks, anyway. - It turns out it was intriguing after all.

Please don't discuss my pecker in front of Gloria.

Or call it a pecker. It doesn't make it sound very impressive.

Hang on, where are we going? The barber's that way, isn't it?

Uh-huh, change of plan.

- I am really not sure about this. - It'll be fine. It suits you.

Their Almighty God won't like it.

He might smite me. It's one of his things.

Relax. No-one's getting smited.

Just get in there and bag us a bad-ass Jewish tax guru.

Mm.

'Ey up.

How d'you get all the way over there?

Hello, love.

Ooh.

See you later, man. Thanks a lot. So, who's next?

What's going on, bro? Have a seat. Have a seat.

No, I'm not here for a cut this time, Viggo.

- I need to call in your bar tab. - I hear you. No problem.

Just a shame you have to do it now.

- Give me what's there if you ain't got it all. - Oh, no. Shame for you.

I just got the new look-book in today.

All the freshest styles.

Oh, right. It's... Nah, I shouldn't really.

- Ooh. - Check it out.

See how it stands up. And then it fades out.

It's called the Gallic Box.

- Sick, innit? - Yeah, that is extremely sick.

Ladies are gonna go bonkers for the Box, trust me.

But if you have to settle that tab...

Salve, Grumio.

- All right, Landlord? - Busy day, then?

Yeah, you know, just taking my new pet for a walk.

- Her name's Shelley. - Oh, nice.

- Cos of the shell. - Oh, I hadn't thought of that.

Lordy. Look at her go!

- She's dead nippy, isn't she? - Are you kidding me? Nippy?

Fastest damn snail I've ever spent the day watching.

As if. Any bozo from my mum's cabbage patch

would be just as fast as that div.

- Do you want a bet? - Oh, any time, any time.

Let's say 10 Dennies.

What do you reckon, Shelley, love?

Shelley says, "Bring it on."

- Shabbat Shalom. - Oh, yes.

Um... Thank you?

So who the hell are you, then?

- Er, I... How do you mean? - Take a look around.

Most of the guys here are ancient and bearded.

So when one shows up who isn't, people are gonna notice.

Right, yes. Well, I'm lapsed.

And just wanted to reconnect with the old Jewish...

belief system.

- Judaism. - As it's known.

And also to meet an accountant.

I believe there's a Shatzberg and also a Shatzberg

- in the community. - There is.

That's Solomon Shatzberg over there, with one of the beards.

He won't be able to help you, though.

I know for a fact he's run off his feet.

Ah. And the other Shatzberg?

The other Shatzberg might be able to fit you in.

Oh, fantastic.

Er... which one's he?

"He" would be me.

Oh, shit, sorry.

It's fine, really. Rebecca Shatzberg.

- It's good to meet you. - Marcus. Gallo... berg.

- I told you it would be fine. - It was better than fine, mate.

I got myself an accountant who is female, hot

and has invited me for a slap-up family dinner.

- All that for just plonking on a little hat? - I know.

- I should've worn this ages ago. - It's a very sharp look on you, bro.

Don't take advice from a man with a loaf on his head.

Not a loaf. I'm wearing a sweet new look called The Gallic Box.

- Ladies are gonna love it. - Hm.

So you've not called in your tab with the barber?

Not yet, but this is my last haircut. I swear down.

- I'll call in my tab tomorrow. - Salve, boys. Are you open?

Evening, Landlord. What can we get you?

A glass of wine for me, please,

and a slice of humble pie for Grumio.

Because my snail here, Mr Random Snail,

is about to prove that fast snails don't exist.

Whatever, mate. Shelley's gonna fuck him up.

Nize! Are we having a snail race?

Well, sort of nize.

You did say you'd take the snails out of the bar,

- not bring more in. - Yeah, I know, I know.

This is my last snail race. I swear down.

Thank you both for doing pretty much

the exact opposite of what I asked you.

As per bloody usual.

'Ey up, Shelley, love, it's show-time.

In lane one, hailing from Landlord's mother's allotment,

Mr Random Snail.

Come on, you Random Bastard.

And in lane two, from the Crown and Toga itself,

- local girl Shelley. - Brrap, brrap, brrap!

Focus, Shelley, love. Don't get distracted.

On your marks.

Get set.

Right, let's maybe get a drink and come back?

Yeah, good shout.

I must say, Mrs Shatzberg,

this is the finest gefilte fish, if not fish,

- I have ever eaten. - So have a little more, then.

Oy vey, what are you doing to me here?

I won't need to eat all week.

Marcus runs his own bar, Tatty.

Oh, very good. Would I know it?

It's the Crown and Toga. On the Aventine.

The old toilet. Yeah, I've walked past it a few times.

Well, next time, come on in.

According to the menu outside, it says you serve squid.

We do. It's delicious.

And squid isn't kosher.

I've heard it's delicious. I've not tried it myself, obviously.

I stick to our kosher dishes.

Right. Like what?

Like... er, well, we do gefilte fish.

Mm-hm. What else?

- Potato kugel, anyone? - Potato kugel. Yeah, we do that.

What else, that we haven't already eaten tonight?

Ooh, um...

Let me think, um...

Yes, we also... do...

omelettes?

I practically live on omelettes.

Tell me, Marcus, what do you think of

the political situation in Palestine?

Ugh. Well, you know, it's complicated, isn't it?

Is it? Complicated how?

Give it a rest, Simon, we're not doing politics tonight.

And I really think we should take a look at your accounts, Marcus.

Of course. Shame.

I love talking about Palestine. Oh, well.

Thank you so much for dinner.

- Come on... - Move it, Random!

Nearly there, Shelley. Yes...

- Oi, wake up, dickhead. - Oh!

We have a winner. Which one's that?

- It's Shelley. Shelley's the winner. - Nice one, Random, you lazy twat.

- Ooooh. - That's a bit dark.

Best thing for it. He couldn't hack the pace.

That's 10 Dennies, I believe.