Rules of Engagement

I can't believe you got this. I've been on the waiting list for months.

- Yeah, well, I'm connected. - Come on.

Your cousin Larry's the night manager at the Paramus Toys 'R' Us.

You're not exactly mobbed up.

Gimme this.

No, no! Sorry! Sorry! You're mobbed up! You're mobbed up!

Okay, how about we start with this?

Oh-- "Video Golf"? Yeah, super.

I always wondered what it would be like

to be 70 and live in South Florida.

Come on. Put in the game where you blow things up

and you drive your car into hookers. Let's go.

Okay, yeah, but then "Golf."

- Hey. - Hey, guys. What are you doin'?

Maiden voyage of my new video game system.

Oh. Well, I hope you finished your homework first.

These games are not just for kids and losers anymore, honey.

Dirty whore.

What?!

No, he's talkin' to the game.

You were talking to the game, right?

No, no! She's not a whore! She's not a whore!

- Gimme! - Gimme, gimme, gimme!

...dishes out to Marbury.

Marbury shoots a three-- no good!

-Game over! Knicks lose! - Come on!

...inside, dishes out to Marbury,

Marbury shoots a three-- no good!

-Game over! Knicks lose! - Come on!!!

- Hey, Jeff? - Back here.

Oh, hey. Great news-- I got it!

Good. I'm starvin'.

Did you get the spicy dippin' sauce?

No. When I said "I got it," I meant I got the promotion.

Oh. That's good, too. Way to go. Kudos.

How about a little excitement, huh?

Maybe something on par with your enthusiasm for the dipping sauce.

Well, that's gone now because there is no dipping sauce.

Or hot wings to dip in.

Jeff, this is good for both of us.

More money, an extra week of vacation, tickets to the Met.

The Mets? Where are the seats?

The Met. The Metropolitan Opera.

One little "s" is the difference between

"Best news ever" and "Who cares?"

But...good work on the promotion.

Where are you going?

You came in here talking about wings. You got me all hungry.

So I'm gonna go out and get some.

Maybe some Mets tickets. Possibly a Kudos bar.

Such a nice day. You boys sure you don't want to play outside?

No way.

Man, this is the best five hundred bucks I've ever spent.

Oh, uh, by the way, the next time we see my cousin Larry

you have to show him your bra.

Five hundred dollars. Isn't that a lot to spend on a toy?

This is not a toy. It's is a state-of-the-art gaming console.

Plus, I really, really wanted it.

Well, I really wanted those Prada boots I saw at Barneys.

Well, you only said "really" once.

My point is, I didn't buy them

because I would have felt guilty spending so much money

on something that was just for me.

- You know, now that we're "us." - Honey, this is totally an "us" thing.

- Give her your control. - No, no, no!

- Give it to her! - No! Please! Auggh!

We should just talk to each other before we make big purchases.

Especially on something so frivolous.

What?! Friv--frivolous?!

Frivolous? This is a necessity, like air and oxygen.

Plus, it's hours of fun for the whole family.

Oooh! I just ran over three more whores.

Oops. That one was a mail lady.

Hello, bagful of Social Security checks. I'll take that.

Looks like Granny's eatin' dog food again this month.

What's the champagne for? Did you get it?

- I got it! - Congratulations!

You are now looking at the new senior deputy editor of Indoor Livingmagazine.

Well, let's open the champagne. Hey, guys, Audrey just got a big promotion at work.

- That's great! - Congratulations!

- Get out of the way!!! - Move!!!

We're tryin' to play thegame!

- Jeez. - They just got that game, they're really into it.

Well, don't let Jeff see it.

Back in the '90s he had a pretty serious case of Pac-Man fever.

He must have been really excited about your promotion.

Hmm. He wasn't.

A few days ago he lost this big account at work,

so I thought he'd be thrilled to have me bringing in extra money.

Jeff's pretty macho-- maybe he feels threatened by your success.

Yeah, I guess it was just bad timing.

I shouldn't have bragged about it right after he had a setback.

We forget, men can be very sensitive sometimes.

- Die, whore, die! - You got her!

- You got her! Yeah! - Yeah!

Anyway, I've been through this before.

I have an idea of something special I can do for Jeff to fix it.

Oh. Well, if you have to do that, you should probably have more of this.

Oh, God, no, notthat.

That's only when I've done something really wrong.

Or if my sister's coming to stay with us.

Come on! She got my wallet again!

Hey. Audrey.

Hey! There's my guy.

Wow, look at you.

- Yeah? - Mm-hmm.

Sit down and relax. Dinner's almost ready.

- What'd you order? - I didn't order anything. I cooked.

Okay, you either bought something really expensive

or your sister's coming to stay with us.

And if she is...

My sister's not coming.

It's just you're my man, and I want to make sure you're taken care of.

And that brings us back to...

No. I'm doing this because I realize the other day I was inconsiderate.

I came in flaunting my promotion when you'd had such a bad week at work.

- Bad week? - Yeah, you lost that account.

- I was glad to lose it. - Why?

The client was a pain. Always wanting status reports on his investments.

Here's the status: "You're annoying."

So, my promotion didn't bother you?

Not at all. I'm thrilled you got a promotion.

You deserve it. You're a smart cookie and a stone fox.

Well, thank you.

Why weren't you this happy when I told you Tuesday night?

Tuesday night... The Knicks lost a game at the buzzer.

You're in a good mood now.

Last night they won.

You know, Jeff, after twelve years,

I expect at parties you're gonna disappear to check the score.

Or if we're at a restaurant with the game on

I'm not gonna get so much eye contact.

But this? This is a whole new level.

My promotion was less important to you than the Knicks losing.

- That's not true. - Oh, yes, it is.

You're more emotionally invested in your teams than you are in me.

I haven't been rootin' for you since I was five.

I am your wife.

Our lives should not be dictated by

the success or failures of strangers.

Strangers? Did I not meet Patrick Ewing...twice?

Fine. Why don't you invite him over for dinner?

Maybe he'll take care of you.

Okay. You know what? You're right. I'm sorry. I wanna make it up to you.

How? The moment's gone.

I'm gonna take you out tomorrow night for the celebration you deserve.

Well, that would be a start. What do you have in mind?

Knicks game.

Okay, there's no way you're that dumb.

No, I got tickets from work.

Floor seats. You're gonna get the VIP treatment,

sit right down on the floor with all the celebrities--

Spike Lee, Woody Allen, Matthew Modine.

- Okay. - Awright? Right.

This doesn't totally get you off the hook, though.

I'm gonna want another night out. Including a Broadway show.

- You don't mean--? - Oh, yes.

Possibly the kind where people start singing for no godly reason.

But who does that?

See? It's stupid.

I'll have the turkey sandwich.

- Thanks. - Oooh.

Shouldn't you call Jennifer and ask if it's okay

that you spend those five dollars?

She's right, man. We're engaged now.

We have to be a team.

Dude, I'm not wearing a wire. Awright?

Jennifer's not here. You can speak freely.

She said she wouldn't spend a lot of money without talking to me first.

- You heard her. - Yeah, I heard her words. But let's examine her actions.

How much does she spend on herself each month?

- I don't know. - I do.

Makeup: 50. Waxing: 40.

Hair care products: 60. Haircut: 90.

Mani-pedi: 80.

- Wow. So she's spending, like-- - Over $300 a month.

Without talking to you. And you wanna know how much she spends on skincare?

- Yeah, I do. - No, you don't.

- How do you know all this? - I study the female animal.

Know your prey.

- Hey, guys. - Hey, Dunston. Checking in?

You're not goin' to the Knicks game with me.

Thanks for makin' that easy.

Now, aren't you due back in Paris Hilton's handbag?

Why aren't you takin' me with ya?

Audrey and I got in a fight. I'm takin' her to make up.

Oh, come on.

Audrey takes my Knicks ticket,

Jennifer's cramping my vid game time--

one of you has to dump your chick.

What was the fight about?

Audrey told me about her promotion right after the Knicks lost a close one,

I was less than jubilant, she thinks I care more about the Knicks than her.

Right. She's just figuring that out now?

No. I'll patch things up with Audrey and it'll get me courtside.

- It's win-win. - Is taking your wife to a game really win-win?

"Can I have the binoculars? Get me some popcorn.

"Ooh, give me the binoculars back. Look, there's ice cream.