Truth Be Told

One second. I go kitchen, get your order.

Perfect. Thanks.

Boom. What'd I tell ya?

I'm not buying the accent.

What's to buy?

Russell, most people who work in a Chinese restaurant have an accent.

But not all of them do, and yet all of them do.

You think that she's faking the accent

so the orange chicken tastes better?

I'm just saying being Asian and faking an Asian accent...

She's "Uncle Tom yumming" it.

Wow.

I don't think we're allowed to talk about these things.

I know I'm not.

But I can. Watch this.

Oh, God.

Here you go. Enjoy.

Syeh-syeh.

You see that, Mitch?

I just said "thank you" in Chinese,

and she looked at me blankly.

Yeah, I think the look was,

"Why is this black dude speaking Chinese?"

Are you really upset about this,

or is this a bit for your stand-up?

Are you asking me if I can turn all of this off?

I cannot.

It's the black Porsche. Thanks, bro.

I'm getting a text. It tickles.

Dope!

My beautiful bride just scored us four tickets to Jay Z.

- Oh, sweet! - Me, Angie, you, Tracy.

- Tracy's gonna love this. - Dude, tomorrow night?

Oh, what? This sucks.

You and Tracy still don't have a new sitter.

It's been two months!

The only person Tracy will sign off on is her mom.

Ooh. And the search continues.

You got to say something.

I'm not wasting my breath, Mitch.

It's a valet stand, not Selma.

- Then I'm saying something. - No, no.

I'm your best man.

That did not end at your wedding.

I'm your best man everywhere we go.

I should've made my brother my best man.

Hey. Hey, Professor.

You're not teaching your ethics class right now.

Oh, yes, I am.

Excuse me.

Hi. Hello.

This is not my car.

This is his car.

Okay.

My car is a PT Cruiser...

A convertible PT Cruiser.

Which is why we took my car.

Hurtful.

The point is that this Porsche or "Porscha"...

I don't even know how to pronounce it.

Both: "Porscha." - See?

This car is his, and I think that you assumed it was mine

because you don't think a black man

can afford a fancy automobile.

Well, actually, I thought it was yours

because there's a John Mayer CD playing.

Yeah, that's my CD.

We done here, Reverend Sharpton?

We are.

You know, you're exhausting.

- I really am. - Mm-hmm.

Guys, why don't we just do dinner at your place?

We live 30 feet away from you.

Because I needed a night out,

and 30 feet is within range of Sadie's old baby monitor.

Oh, at least it's supposed to be.

Come on!

You haven't been blessed with a sweet angelic four-year-old.

We want to die.

Remind me in the morning to get an estimate on a vasectomy.

Well, I'm a doctor. I'll do it for free right now.

Tracy hasn't had a real night out in 45 days.

46!

Unbelievable.

I can FaceTime my grandmother in the Philippines.

I can't get a clear picture of my daughter right next door.

This stupid piece of... Oh, my angel.

Oh, babe.

Okay.

Thank you, Lord, for this food and our friends.

- Amen. - Amen.

Amen.

Ange, I noticed you eyeing the Moo Shu.

You want to put down that cup of algae and maybe get in on this?

I desperately do,

but I've only got 36 hours left of my cleanse,

and mama's got to look good in her dress tomorrow night.

But Daddy likes that booty the way it is.

Oh, man.

They're gonna have sex and watch "House of Cards."

Ange, how'd you score Jay Z tickets anyway?

I asked everyone at my firm, and no one could hook me up.

Ange got the Head of Pediatrics to pull a favor.

Those doctors are nothing without their residents.

Oh, well, actually,

Dr. Kessman couldn't come through, so I asked Marcus.

What?

Marcus? Who's Marcus?

Marcus and I kind of went out for a while.

You dated for two years right before we started dating.

- On and off. - You lived together.

We didn't live together. I had my own apartment.

- You're talking to me, not your dad. - Am I?

I was just unaware that you two were still communicating.

- I mean, have you seen him? - No. We just text sometimes.

What kind of texts?

You know, like, "Can you hook me and my husband

and our friends up with four tickets to Jay Z?"

All I heard was "hook up."

Screw it. Pass me them ribs.

Oh, babe, that concert's tomorrow night.

We have 24 hours to either find a sitter

or get Sadie way into Jay Z.

- Oh, my God. - Oh, my God.

- Where is that stupid... - They had another baby?

They're just gonna keep trying until they have a boy.

Just play catch with your daughters!

Shh, shh.

Doesn't it feel like every time they come home,

it's from the hospital?

I bet they have an amazing sitter.

- Mitch. - Excuse me a sec.

- No, no. - Yes, yes!

I'm just gonna ask 'em, Jew to Jew.

M'lady needs a night out.

Look, as badly as I want one,

I can't steal another mother's babysitter, can I?

No. I can't, I can't. It's a sacred rule.

We're not breaking any rules.

The concert is tomorrow night, Friday night, the Sabbath.

They don't go out on Friday nights.

Isn't saying "they" offensive?

It would be if I were talking

about all orthodox Jewish people,

who, for religious reasons, don't go out on Friday nights,

but I'm not talking about all orthodox Jewish people.

I am talking about the Goldsteins.

The Goldmans.

Okay. Well, that was offensive.

Okay.

I want to apologize for my behavior earlier.

I guess I misunderstood.

I thought when we got married,

we were gonna stop dating other people.

Babe, I didn't mention Marcus

because I didn't think it was a big deal.

You won. You got me.

You got all of this.

Come here.

I'm gonna go take a shower.

You give me a two-minute head start, then join me.

Hmm.

That is if you're still up for it.

Oh, I'm still up for it, yeah.

Hey, but this time, we're going till the water gets cold, hello.

Hello.

Mm.

Marcus, my man, you are really wrecking the mood, bro.

- Yay! - Yay!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa whoa.

- Signal, signal. - Oh, yeah.

What you doing?

Huh? No, I wasn't.

Were you looking through my text?

I-I thought that was my phone.

You thought your phone was the one with the pink case?

And now I see that it is not.

You know what?

Look, we have no secrets.

No. I trust you.

Do you?

I'm gonna leave my phone right here,

and while I'm gone, you feel free to take a look.

Boop.

- So did you look? - Of course I looked!

- You had to look! - I had to look.

I mean, if I can figure out your password in four tries,

you're basically telling me to look.

She is telling you to look.

So what did that dirt bag say?

Ha! He said, and I quote,

"Leaving tickets at will call.

Still trying to get you backstage passes."

The balls on this guy.

Ugh.

- I shouldn't have looked. - Why would you look?

But on the plus side, backstage passes.

You guys got to find a babysitter!

Oh. Oh, yeah.

About that...