Glee

So here's what you missed on Glee.

Sam and Mercedes are dating and they're actually living

together after Sam tried couch surfing at Rachel and Kurt's

and they made him move out.

You've been sitting there since I left this morning.

Blaine moved out, too, even though he and Kurt

are still together and still getting married,

but still they decided it'd be better

if they were living apart. Artie's in New York, too,

and he used to date Tina then Brittany then Kitty,

but now he's single and on the prowl

at film school in Brooklyn.

And that's what you missed on Glee.

America is under attack.

Who's about to sneak up to Lady Liberty

and punch her in the face? Is it the marauding Hun

blitzkrieging across Europe?

Is it the Imperial Navy, who attacked our boys

at Pearl Harbor? No.

America faces a much more

insidious threat: STDs!

Hey, boys.

Did you know there's an epidemic in this country?

Well, there is. And it could be hiding in your trousers.

Do you know what an STD is?

It's a sexually transmitted disease.

And the numbers are skyrocketing.

And don't think you're not in danger just because

you're a handsome idiot,

a debonair homosexual,

a hapless invalid,

or a strapping male soprano.

I'll bet you'd like to know how you can stop this epidemic

in its tracks and give Lady Liberty back her dignity.

Why, get tested, of course.

Just say, "I think I may have the clap, please."

And you're well on your way

to making this country shipshape again.

Hey, boys. Do you know that an untreated STD can lead to...

- Blindness! - Sterility!

- Insanity? - Even death.

Do you want to end up in an iron lung?

No, sir!

Attaboy, soldier.

Feels good, doesn't it, boys?

And how.

Remember, get tested for STD.

Or America will end up R.I.P.

I couldn't agree with you more, Happy Tourist Family.

I love New York.

The culture,

the diversity...

and, oh, the food.

Hey. You want the regular, Blaine?

You know it, Aristotle.

Lima's idea of international cuisine

is a Taco Bell and Breadstix.

But in NYC,

it's a United Nations of restaurants.

From Mexican to Mongolian,

Hungarian to Honduran,

Vietnamese to Viennese.

And there's always room

in the tum-tum for my newest obsession:

cronuts.

If a croissant and a donut made sweet, sweet love,

their baby would be a cronut,

a flaky, yet buoyant sugar-kissed

pastry of perfection.

It's sort of become a habit

that I enjoy a cronut or two on the way to school.

And maybe on the way back home.

Okay, I'm addicted to them.

But they go great with everything,

especially the breakfast in bed

that I serve Kurt every Sunday morning.

...83...

Yes, the Big Apple is delicious, and I plan

on savoring every bite.

Come on,

come on, come on.

Could this be the...

Could it be the Freshman 15?

Frank Sinatra said it best.

New York is my kind of town.

Actually, I think he was talking about Chicago,

but I'm in New York now,

and as Dorothy Gale always said,

there's no place like home.

Except she was talking about Kansas.

Still, New York is just so different from high school.

At McKinley, no one wanted anything to do with me

because I was a nerd in a wheelchair

who tucked my sweaters into my pleated khakis.

But here, I do exactly the same thing,

and everyone thinks it's cool.

Hey, Artie. Look.

In high school,

I had to beg girls to go out with me.

Here, I'm lady bait.

I'm like the pied piper of coed trim.

A year ago, I was dating one girl

and considered myself lucky.

Now, I'm dating three.

Hi, Artie.

Hey, Vanessa.

I'm Vanessa, and I'm so hot for Godard.

I made my parents throw a French New Wave party

for my sixth birthday.

When I saw Artie's experimental short film,

Rags the Homeless Clown,

I was like, "Oh, yes, I will sleep with him."

Hey, Jess.

Are we on for The Fly at Film Forum tonight?

You bet your sweet ass we are.

Yeah, I have a thing for wheelchairs.

Crash is the greatest film ever made,

and I'm not talking about that Paul Haggis

Oscar-bait train wreck.

That film could've used a train wreck.

I'm talking Cronenberg.

Hey, Julie.

Sorry I'm late.

And then there's Julie.

She's the one I've really got my heart set on.

I'm ready when you are.

This is narration for Bags in the Wind,

a film by Artie Abrams, take one.

When a plastic bag gets caught in the wind,

does it feel sadness or hope?

Does the plastic bag know it is eternal?

She's smart, funny, super talented,

and everyone likes her.

A year ago, I would have been terrified

to ask out a girl like her,

but these days, I've learned you just got to go for it.

Great, Julie.

I want to try it again,

but this time with a little more...

twilight in your voice?

Twilight.

That's amazing direction, Artie.

Listen, Julie,

maybe we could go out sometime?

Like on a date?

I'd love to, Artie.

It's just... I sort of have a policy

where I don't date anyone that I'm working with.

Oh, sure.

Great. Take two.

Stage combat is not for the weak of heart.

Our bodies are our weapons.

And speaking of weapons, check out the gun show.

I finally hit puberty.

I'm serious.

Make a muscle.

I've got to hand it to Kurt.

He's looking amazing these days,

and he deserves all the attention he's getting.