Two and a Half Men

Oh, hey, Alan.

Jake, your dad's here.

So, how's it going?

All good.

Good.

You? Good.

Well, good.

Yeah, good.

Gooood.

Well, I, uh, I see you put in a new mailbox.

Oh, yeah, the old one was pretty shoddy.

Whoever put it in didn't anchor the pole correctly.

That would be me.

Oh, sorry.

The mailman was complaining about the wiggle.

Herb, the mailman's a pothead.

Yeah, I know. I caught him eating my tomato plants.

Anyway, I just decided to replace the whole thing.

Yeah, I see it, uh, it now says "The Melnicks."

Well, I paid for the mailbox.

I get my mail there.

My name's Melnick...

Yeah, I... I get it.

Charlie Harper.

Oh.

Jake!

No need to yell. He's in the bathroom.

Big surprise, eh?

He's either shoveling it in or shooting it out.

Yeah, he's a regular Play-Doh fun factory.

Just go make sure he hasn't fallen asleep in there again.

Yes, dear.

So, how's everything?

Fine.

Listen, Alan, I've been thinking now that Jake's a teenager,

he'd benefit from spending some more time with his dad.

Oh, oh, that would be great.

Nothing would make me happier

than to spending more time with my son.

Good.

Hey, Dad.

Oh, hey, buddy.

All finished in the bathroom?

For now.

You should've seen the last one.

It looked like a question mark.

Terrific.

And it came out of my colon.

Get it?

Hilarious.

Commas are easy.

Go.

Um, so, uh, what are we talking about here?

You know, an extra day or two every other week?

Actually, I was thinking more like a solid three months.

In a row?

Alan, how many sons do you have?

As many as you do.

Look, do you want your kid or not?

Of course, but... well, I'll have to clear it with Charlie,

and... and there is the financial issue.

What financial issue?

Well, if he's going to be living with me,

I'm thinking I should get a sizeable break

on the child support.

Well, you're certainly entitled to your opinion.

Well, thank you.

Wait a minute.

Three months in a row?!

Come on. It'll be fun. For who?

All he does is eat, sleep and clog up the toilets.

Shh!

Let's talk about this later.

Oh, please, chowderhead can't hear us.

Right, chowderhead?

See?

Oh, just admit it: you love having him around.

I love having him around because I always know he's leaving.

Don't take the leaving part away from me, Alan.

Let's just give it a chance.

See how it works.

That's what Poland said about the Germans.

Been watching the History Channel again?

It's Nazi week.

It's always Nazi week.

Look, tell you what,

why don't I take you and Jake out to dinner tonight?

Can we get chili burgers?

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men.

Well, this is fun, huh?

The three Harper boys sitting around the campfire,

putting on the feedbag.

Yeah, bite me.

So, numbnuts...

Any thoughts as to why your mom dumped you off on us?

Charlie.

Oh, like you're not curious.

No! No, I'm not curious.

She just thought it would be a good idea

for him to spend more time with his father.

Yeah, and I'm trying to save girls

a long ride home on the freeway.

So what's your theory, Alfalfa?

I think you're just pretending to be considerate

so you can have sex with them.

No, no, I mean about your mother and Herb.

Oh.

They are fighting a lot.

They're fighting?

Yep.

31.

31?

It's what you get when you add 24 and seven.

You know, they're fighting all the time.

24/7.

31.

I'm not gonna make it three months, Alan.

You're gonna be fine.

They're fighting in front of you?

They don't think they're fighting in front of me

'cause sometimes when I wear the headphones,

I turn the music off.

And you figured that out all by yourself?

Hey, you may think I'm dumb, but you overestimate me.

My mistake.

So what are they arguing about?

Well, she doesn't like his parents,

he doesn't like her spending, and something about sex.

What about sex?

That's when I turn the music back on, you sick freak.

Sorry.

I mean, that's my mother.

I said I'm sorry.

Man, I'm not gonna make it three months.

Oh, great, now he's got the moral high ground.

Forget about that.

The important thing is,

Judith and Herb are having marital problems.

Why does that make you happy?

Well, it's not happiness exactly.

It's just that, you know,

all these years she's been blaming me

for the failure of our marriage, and now...

Yeah, I guess happiness pretty much sums it up.

* Men.

Hey, what's this I hear

about Little Lord Skidmark coming to live here full time?

Oh, it's just for a few weeks.

I'm sure if we all pull together,

you'll hardly even notice he's here.

Yeah, pull this.

Charlie!

You and me gotta have a conversation.

Nice talking to you.

Hey, Alan. Oh, hey, Herb.

Judith asked me to drop this stuff off for Jake.

Oh, let me help you.

Thanks.

So, what have you two lovebirds got planned

for the next few months?

Second honeymoon?

No, not exactly.

Hard to believe you're coming up on your second anniversary.

Yep. Hard to believe.

Two years.

Time flies when you're having fun, eh?

I wouldn't know.

Hey, Herb.

Hey, Charlie.

You ask him about his marriage going down the crapper?

I was easing into it.

So was I.

What's the problem, Herb?

Is it in the bedroom?

It usually starts in the bedroom.

That's still my mother, you sick freak!

We usually wait till he puts on headphones

before we discuss these things.

Gee, Herb, something you should know

about the headphones is...

Shh, shh! Don't spoil it.

So what's the deal? Is it sex?

No.

Well, yeah, but... it's no big deal.

I mean every marriage has an ebb and flow to it.

Of course. Sure. Sure.

Right now Judith and I are kind of ebbing.

A lot.

31.

Right.

31.

I don't know what's happening, man.

We can't seem to communicate anymore.