Two and a Half Men

Previously on Two and a Half Men...

Yeah, I see hundreds of potential parents,

but you two are different somehow.

I know we can be good parents.

It is my job to be a hundred percent sure

before I place a child.

We are not believable as a loving couple,

and I think that's why Ms. McMartin wasn't sure about us.

All right, yeah.

We do that in front of Ms. McMartin, we'll get ten babies.

Whew, that was fun. Whew.

That was like a roller coaster.

Yeah, we went up, we went down.

There was the loop-de-loop.

Yeah, they-they say you want to sit in the front,

but I had a great time in the back.

Yeah, you know, I'm not sure about that picture

we took at the end.

I think I was making a funny face.

Yeah.

Hey, have you ever gotten busy in a public place,

like a theme park, before?

I mean, uh, there was one time in the Chicago airport.

I met this girl on a long layover.

Let's just say my bag was never left unattended.

What about you?

Well, if you get me a hot cup of coffee,

I'll, uh, tell you about my high school trip to Mount Rushmore.

Okay, please tell me it doesn't involve four old guys

on top of a mountain.

I went to an all-girls school.

Coffee, coming up!

Oh, hey. Hey.

Okay, I don't know what was going on

up there with Laurel, but...

Rich, handsome and a master of the boudoir.

You're everything I think I am when I'm drunk.

What can I say?

I got a magical tongue, and I can breathe through my ears.

Were you just sitting down here, listening to Laurel and me?

No, that would be sad.

I was also couponing.

Hey.

How's my favorite couple?

My bros without hos.

Ms. McMartin, uh...

What are you doing here?

Well, I told you guys the state requires

a couple surprise inspections to check in on Louis's home life.

Surprise!

I am definitely surprised.

Clearly... Captain Underpants.

Oh.

Right, yeah, well, I wasn't expect...

You know, Louis isn't here; he's actually, he's at a sleepover.

So, I guess you came all this way to see me in my Skivvies.

Worth the trip in my book.

Instagram.

Hashtag: he's bringing booty back.

Thanks, honey.

Uh, well, it was, uh, it was good to see you.

Oh, actually, I can just talk to you guys.

Great, even better.

Come on in.

Uh, you know, I'm gonna run upstairs

and put on some pants.

Walden?

Who was that?

Oh, that was my pants.

Here I come, pants!

Stay there!

What are you talking about?

Oh, hi. Sorry.

What's going on?

Uh...

You're cheating on me?!

I want half!

== sync, corrected by elderman == @elder_man

You lied to me.

I never would have placed Louis here had I known

you guys weren't actually a couple.

I can explain. Oh, go ahead, I'd love to hear it.

She's my sister.

Where was that five minutes ago?

There's no explanation for what you did.

I may have to remove Louis.

Okay, I-I know this looks bad,

but our hearts were in the right place.

Yeah, even if our penises weren't.

Th-The only thing that we're guilty of

is putting on a little show.

A little show?

Every time I see this one, he acts like he's auditioning

to host the Tonys.

N-No, that's just Alan.

Yeah, i-it's true.

Uh, name any musical, anybody.

Okay, uh, West Side Story.

Okay, stop.

Well, excuse me, Officer Krupke.

Listen, we may not be gay,

but we are definitely a stable couple.

Yeah, until the adoption is final,

and then you'll, what, get divorced?

Are you kidding me?

If this one has his way,

he's gonna be with me for the rest of my life.

Longer.

I bought us side-by-side cemetery plots.

No, he's not kidding.

And he gave it to me for my birthday,

and I pretended to like it,

because that's what loving couples do.

You pretended to like it?

See that? See, that's real.

And I'm gonna hear about it for the rest of the night.

Y-You want to take Louis away from us

just because we don't have sex?

I mean, I can honestly tell you

that we have as much sex as I had

in either of my previous marriages.

None of that matters.

N-No, of course it matters.

Because we're not lying.

We are best friends, and we are married.

And we do love each other.

And I'm sorry, but just, you know, how many people can say

that they are married to their best friend?

Alan Harper-Schmidt can.

My job is to do what's in the best interest of the child.

Now I have to reevaluate what that is.

But him living here...

No, I don't want to hear anything else from you guys.

I'll be in touch.

I can't lose this kid.

D-Don't go there. Nothing's been decided yet.

Well, other than the fact

that you don't want to be buried next to me.

This is a disaster.

We're gonna lose everything that we worked for

over one stupid mistake.

It's my chiropractic license all over again.

Your hand slips into one butt crack.

What you drawing?

It's us. We're the Justice League.

You're Batman.

I'm Batman?

I mean...

I'm Batman.

Is that Superman?

That's me.

Oh, and, uh, there's Wonder Woman.

Is that Berta?

That's you.

Oh, well, that's, uh, a little inaccurate, don't you think?

I mean, uh, I wish I had those shoulders.

And, uh, and who's that?

That's Timothy; he's Aquaman.

Why can't I be Aquaman?

Because Aquaman can keep himself afloat.

I drew it 'cause we're a team now.

That's right.

We're a team that's never gonna break up.

Stay strong, Wonder Woman.

Can we go to the park?

I don't see why not.

Yes, we have to live in the moment.

"Gather ye rosebuds while ye may."

And you ask why you're Wonder Woman.

Hey, why don't you go and get your shoes on,

and we'll get going, okay?

Cool!

You're the best dad ever.

Oh, my God.

Did you hear that?

He used the "D" word.

I more than heard it, I felt it.

But I am not gonna cry.

That's right.

We got to stay strong in front of the kid.

We can't let him know something's going on.

'Cause that's what a... a good dad does.

I'm gonna go get my jacket.

I feel so bad for him.

Well, what are you gonna do about it?

There's nothing I can do.

Just gonna throw in the towel before the first round?

What?

Let me put it in terms you'll understand.

You're crapping your tutu before the ballet starts.

After all that Walden's done for you,

you have to help him keep ahold of Louis.

How? I don't know.

But if there is anybody in the world that can figure out

how to keep somebody in this house, it's you.

Um, is this seat taken?

Uh, actually, no, it's...

What are you doing here?

Did you follow me?

No.