Idiotsitter

Too much on the arms.

What the are you doing?

I'm getting a suntan.

Got my bikini on.

I got the afternoon off.

I thought you had, like, a date with a mom or something.

I have a date that my mom set up.

There's a big difference.

Did I miss any?

Yeah, in your anus hole.

Okay, Gene.

You can't get cancer up there from sitting in the sun.

Sunburn in rectum.

Possible?

Searching.

"Requiem for a Dream." Rectum. Rectum.

Searching.

"Requiem for a Dream." Not requiem. Rectum.

Oh, I'm shouting.

Oh, nice, you made me some popcorn.

Your dad's been looking for you.

- What'd you tell him? - I found Gene!

- What are you doing? - I told him I'd do that.

Gene, come on!

Tanzy's opening her Mother's Day gifts!

Why does he do this every year?

Maybe he feels bad that you don't have a mom.

Also, Tanzy loves gifts.

Well, this just in: I don't give a . You know?

- Can you move? - Oh, sorry.

Oh, the production value's so bad.

Do you actually like this?

I--I'm sorry, I just can't get over the production value.

This one--this is from Gene.

You can tell because it's got Grumpy Bat on it.

Not from me. I don't give a .

Ooh, leen-ger-ee!

Thanks, Gene.

Got it.

Okay, wait. Say "You're welcome" to your mom, Gene.

I will, if I ever see her.

Mom burn.

Good one, Gene.

I might have to return it 'cause it's for a fat person.

That's fine.

- What? - Hi, Gene.

I'm your mom.

Ha ha!

Oh, my God.

We can play dirty hooker later.

Whoo! Yay.

Dad, there's a man who says he's a mom?

- Yeah. - Is that like a manny?

Diane.

- It's Dan now. - Oh.

I'm sorry, who are you?

Well, I'm--I'm Gene's mom.

Oh! Well, happy Mother's Day!

Would you like a Mom-mosa?

It's like a mimosa, only it's champagne.

- Tanzy, don't. Just-- - I'm sorry.

Maybe I--I should've called before I came over.

- Oh, well-- - You can use our phone.

No. Tanzy, don't. All right?

You--you--I got to...

just--I--just gonna--

- Daddy, are you okay? - Yeah. Mm-hmm.

- This is so Diane. - It's Dan.

Oh, okay, Dan.

You are being so Diane right now.

What's going on?

I was Kent's first wife, Diane.

Yeah, and you left without warning,

and now you show up the same way.

How dare you?

Are you okay, Gene?

No, she's not all right.

I mean, she--she's trying to process something.

All right, I tell you what.

I think you should leave.

Yep, I think you should go,

because as you can see, we are celebrating Mother's Day here.

Just so it's clear, I'm not Gene's mother.

I hope it's not too late for us to have a real relationship.

I'm on Facebook now and Linkedln, if you'd like

a more a professional, somewhat useless connection.

Well, good-bye.

Let's open my presents! Come on, Gene.

Wait!

- What's up? - What?

- What did you want? - You told me to wait.

Oh, right. Oh, now I remember.

My dad was just joking about the whole "you have to leave" stuff.

- He doesn't really mean it. - Honey, your dad meant it.

We don't exactly have the best history.

He said you could come back in and, like,

hang out if you wanted to, so you should.

Or I don't know.

Like, also who cares or whatever.

- What did you say? - What?

Start walking.

Sorry I'm late.

Name's Pony. I was at the strip club.

I've never been to Canada, and I have pierced nipples.

Oh, looks painful.

Yeah, this one's a little infected.

I don't know why

you think I need to know either of those things.

Total honesty. That's my policy.

I'm sorry. Are-- you're the dental hygienist?

You're my mom's travel agent's son?

I don't know why anyone has a travel agent,

but that's who you are?

Guilty as charged.

- That's my bag. - Hey!

- What are you do-- - You got something to hide?

No.

All right.

Oh, three deodorants.

- That's weird. - I get nervous, and I like...

different smells for different events.

Individually wrapped condiments.

That's some old lady right there.

- I like flavor. - Ooh, compact.

Thank you very much. I'm gonna take that.

Why?

Hey. Jerk off lotion.

That's not jerk-- it's just normal lotion.

I have-- - We're both adults here.

A book.

- Who brings a book on a date? - I don't know.

Someone who's nervous their date might be terrible.

This book's terrible.

You read "The Decameron?"

Yeah. Totally blows.

Everybody dies at the end.

So sort of a spoiler,

but I'm really impressed you read "The Decameron."

I can barely get through it. All the--

You know what? You seem nice.

You got hair and the cans and everything, decent face,

but, listen, I don't think it's gonna work.

And besides, my bros are having a bonfire

down at their RV park, so, uh...

So, uh...

what are we...

waiting for?

Jesus, your head is small.

Yes. My mom drank in the womb.

- Let's go. - All right. Do you want--

Just leave it.

- Mind if I take these knives? - Yeah, take it.

This is my door.

This is my carpet and some of my clothes.

Oh.

That's, like, a little dinosaur,

and he's screaming out something.

I like to think he's like,

"Language," 'cause I use curse words a lot.

That's my blanket I use it to block out the sun

'cause the sun sucks.

These are my beanbag chairs. I like to sit in them.

Hmm.

Excuse me.

Ooh.

Well, I didn't say sit in my beanbag chair.

Can I sit on the floor?

Yeah, sit on the floor. Yeah.

I just don't know if there's anything on your butt.

Like to keep 'em clean.

[yelling and screaming on video game]

Do you have any hobbies?

Yeah, ice-skating and singing.

Do you have a favorite group?

Selena?

Oh, the--the dead lady?

Yeah, she's good. I saw that TV movie about her.

Do you ever have that thing happen where, like,

you're going to the bathroom and your legs fall asleep?

- Yeah. - Yeah.

- It happens to you too? - Yeah.

Sometimes I'm on the toilet so long

that I pretend that I'm on a talk show.

That's cool, *** it go?

Hello, I'm Dan and I welcome here very interesting young lady.

Very pretty lady with curly hair sitting next to me.

Hello, Gene.

Hi, it's nice to be here.

What are you doing dear today in the bathroom?

I just go to the bathroom, man.

- Me too. - Me too.

Got any TP?

- Yeah, let me pass it to you. -

Oh.

It's too many... I'll pause the game.

So, did you ever, um--

did you ever think about me all these years?

Pass the gummy bears.

I thought about you constantly.