MASH - Sixth Season (M*A*S*H)

Attention, all personnel. More Olympic results from Helsinki.

In the men's water polo competition, the U. S. splashed to a fourth‐place finish.

I wonder what they give you for fourth place.

They name you Miss Congeniality.

Hey, mind if I sit down?

I don't know. Who's behind that food?

Join us, Ames. Just put the tray down easy. Come on, you guys. Lay off.

I got enough troubles without hearin' from you two.

Care to spill 'em between bites?

The army's kicking me out. They say I'm too fat to be a good soldier.

‐ Maybe they're just trying to save on food. ‐ I've been in for 15 years.

Now I'm gonna lose my job, my pension, everything.

Damn army. You want your bacon?

I got a great idea: don't eat.

Look, I'm too far gone. I only got 10 days until my orders come in.

What's the difference if I'm 20 pounds overweight or 30?

Beej, I don't believe Ames here is familiar with...

the amazing Pierce‐Hunnicutt quick‐loss plan.

‐ Huh? ‐ It's famous.

Simple diet and exercise. Twenty pounds in 10 days.

If not completely satisfied, your blubber cheerfully refunded. What do you say?

‐ You know, I'd appreciate that a whole lot. ‐ Okay. Here's step number one.

‐ That hurts. ‐ You look thinner already.

Hey, you're in luck. No one's touched the chipped beef.

Here. Eat it before it curls my nose hairs.

Ah, ah, ah. Ah, ah.

‐ Take it away, Klinger. ‐ Sarge!

How can you resist that rich, gray slop?

It's either lose weight or be thrown out of the army.

Wait a minute.

They can discharge you for being fat? Yeah.

Let me at it! Let me at it!

You're a lucky dog, Penobscott. Manila's a swell spot for "R" and "R."

When you get there, first place you wanna go‐‐

What? Okay. I'll tell her. Heh heh! Adios.

Colonel, I understand there is a phone call from my husband.

Make that a "was," Major. Penobscott couldn't wait all day. Oh, rats!

Did he leave a message? Says he wants to spend as much "R" and "R" with you as he can.

That's why he'll be here Friday to pick you up. Donald's coming here?

Oh, don't worry. We'll dust. Oh, that big, thoughtful hunk of bear!

Well put. Now, listen, Major. When you get to Manila, first place you wanna go‐‐

Oh, thank you, Colonel. Thank you so much.

First place you wanna go is the Blue Machete Cafe. You'll love it, Major.

Around post‐op to the nurses' quarters, past the Mess Tent.

That's past the Mess Tent, not through the Mess Tent.

Ready? Ready. Ready.

Go!

Keep your knees up.

How can a guy eat that much?

He should be transferred to the nearest famine. We're wasting our time here.

We could be in Helsinki training track stars and chasing Viking women.

Hmm. Speaking of which, Father Mulcahy gave me great odds on Zátopek in the marathon.

You bet on Zátopek? Of course. He's already won two long races.

That's what I mean. He's all tired out. Now he's gotta run a marathon‐‐

40 miles and no restrooms.

Ha! Hawkeye, what you know about sports would fit on the tip of a javelin.

‐ Oh, yeah? What makes you such an expert? ‐ My two varsity letters.

Two letters and a scholarship.

You? An athletic scholarship?

That's right. The coach's daughter paid me to leave her alone.

Can't go no more.

You're doin' great, champ. Lookin' good. Thank you, sir.

You know, we're making tremendous progress here.

Colonel, I'd like to speak to you.

Whew! Klinger, what is that?

A pungent yet satisfying delicacy of my native land. You wanna hunk?

Eh! Right shoulder arms with that.

All right, whistle beak. Lay it out for me, extra quick.

Sixty more pounds, and I'm homeward bound.

You're gonna eat your way to a discharge. I call it "food for freedom."

I call it "suicide by salami." I'll take my chances.

Okay. When you can't get through that door, come see me. I'll be wearing a size 30.

Colonel, an ambulance has turned over in the compound. You better come on the double.

Anybody hurt? The driver was a bit shaken up, but he'll be all right.

No one else inside? No.

Thank God. I already did.

All right, buffalo breath. Let's move. Keep that thing downwind.

Oh, boy. When are these drivers gonna learn this isn't the Indy 500?

Well, it looks like we got enough bodies here. Let's get this horse on his feet.

Sir! Can I go slip into something more comfortable?

Move one step, and you'll need that salami for a cane.

Go ahead, Margaret. You push. I'll grunt. Wimp!

On the count of three, we heave. I may heave on two.

‐ Pierce, there's a space here. ‐ What's wrong with you, sad sack?

Oh, well, Colonel, it's, uh, my hands.

Um, I can't afford to, uh, catch them on anything.

Get in there before we use you as a crowbar.

I'll get over here by the cross.

Okay, let's go. Uno, dos, tres, heave!

All right. This time let's mean it. Ready?

Heave!

Klinger, your heart isn't in this.

No, but his breath sure is. Wait till I catch my second wind, sir.

‐ Oh, please. ‐ My hamstrings are playing "I Surrender, Dear."

We've got enough people here. We should be able to toss this wagon around like a volleyball.

‐ Colonel, it's too heavy. ‐ Cow cookies! This group is limp as a noodle.

Your wonton is wilted.

Need some help, Colonel?

Sure do. We just ran out of muscle. Join the party.

Just over at Rosie's bar‐‐ we heard you had some trouble.

‐ Uh, you folks can stand aside. We'll handle this. ‐ Just the four of you?

Well, actually, it's, um, more than we need.

Sure you don't wanna warm up? Maybe flip over a jeep?

Too heavy, huh? Aw, it's all done with mirrors.

Thanks, boys.

Next time call us. Don't hurt yourselves.

Why don't we go to the Mess Tent? They're serving humble pie.

Hold it.

We're not finished yet. You people are in sorry shape.

This is a mobile hospital. If we ever have to bug out, you won't be able to lift a tent pole.

I'm a surgeon. I'm not a circus roustabout. You're a clown.

You're a buffoon. Bozo.

Bottle it. Starting tomorrow at 0700, all personnel will fall out for daily calisthenics.

Oh, Colonel! Oh, no!

Pierce and Hunnicutt, you're doing it for Ames. You can do it for everybody.

You've just picked up a whole new bunch of volunteers. Dismissed.

Stupid M.P.s. Five or six more tries, we would've had it.

Hut, two, three, four. One.

Hut, two, three, four. Two.

Hut, two‐‐ Wait a minute, wait a minute. That's two.

‐ You in the woodwind section. ‐ Brass.

Why aren't you playing toe touchies?

Gentlemen, we're all just fooling ourselves here.

Isn't that what the army's all about?

Morning exercise is futile at best.

When one arises, the body is more subject to postural hypotension.

You tell 'em, Doc!

Blood flows away from the brain,

and blacking out becomes a distinct possibility.

Well, what it all boils down to, gentlemen,

is that you're not getting one toe touchie out of me.

‐ I second that! ‐ Charles, could we have a word with you, please?

Briefly.

See, we'd like to get this over with, so we'd kind of like your cooperation.

And if we don't get it,

we're gonna wash our dirty socks in your Chateauneuf du Pape.

You wouldn't! And rinse them in your Earl Gray Tea.

You would.

On the other hand,

circulatory stress does aid in the prevention of arterial sclerosis,

and I'm certainly all for that.

So, hands on hips, please. Mm‐hmm. Let's try some jumping jacks.

‐ Ah! ‐ For those of you who are eating breakfast,

leave out the jumping part.

Ready? Begin.

One, two‐‐ If I strain anything before Donald gets here,

‐ I'll kill Colonel Potter. ‐ One, two, one, two.

Was it something I said? Ten hut, all you mopes.

This is your C. O., the guy who set up this little wingding. Remember me?

Couldn't help but notice that some of you are less than delighted with the program.

Well, we're gonna straighten that out.

Those of you who still have the energy will report to the Mess Tent right now.

Those of you who don't have the energy will report three minutes earlier.

Same to you.

Sir, do anything but don't yell. Quiet!

When I give an order, I expect it to be carried out.

This camp will exercise, and it will get in shape.

You can bet your chubby cabooses on that.

However, I do realize standing in line flapping your wings can get a little boring.

‐ From the first flap. ‐ So, in my usual, quiet, effective way,

I've come up with a little plan to alleviate that problem.

We've all been following the Olympics pretty closely.

‐ We'd all like to be there. ‐ Or anywhere else for that matter.

But since we can't, we're going to hold our own little Olympics right here.

‐ Give 'em Helsinki, Colonel. ‐ We'll divide up into two teams,

come up with our own events, and compete against each other.

Brilliant, huh? Hmm?

Brilliant, Colonel, but not too well received.

I just know I'm not gonna have anything left for Donald.

Oh, did I forget to mention the little incentive?

Each member of the winning team gets three days "R" and "R."

Colonel, I for one will give 150%!

‐ Always helps to sweeten the pot. ‐ Pierce, Hunnicutt,

you mind going up against each other as team captains?

What do you say, powder puff? Well, it'll prove who's the fairest in the land.

‐ Where do we pick up our whistles, Colonel? ‐ Good.

The three of us'll meet later in my office, go over the ground rules.

The games start tomorrow at 0800, and may the best team win.

Actually, it's "better" team, Colonel.

Dismissed!

Next to a good mass, there's nothing more stirring than the Olympics.

Ah, yes, the Olympics. Where every four years,

people from all nations gather together to sweat.

You know you're in for a beating. You wanna bet?