Single Parents

This is exciting!

First practice of the season for the Gators!

L.A. youth soccer's premier team... for fun!

I know I'm excited.

By the look of it,

you guys are a version of excited, too.

Now, I know we didn't have the most wins last season.

- We had zero. - That is true.

That is accurate, it's an actual number, we had zero wins.

But guess what? I don't care.

'Cause I'm all about having fun

and celebrating the kinetic energy of life, right?

So I want you to get up, get on that field,

and, guys, just be kind to yourselves, okay?

"No pressure" on three.

One, two, three!

- No pressure! - No pressure.

All right, let's get up and kick the ball around, okay?

- Okay. - Okay.

Dad, come on.

What's with the entire

"winning doesn't matter" thing?

You can't possibly believe that.

Uh, get to know me.

Will Cooper, your biological and day-to-day father.

I don't give a beaver's dam about winning.

All I care about is fun, sportsmanship,

and making memories with my daughter

I can use at my speech at her wedding, all right?

Now come on, hit me with that Gator shake.

In case you were wondering, that moment did not go well.

Rory! Poppy!

Did you come to cheer us on to start off the season?

No. Does anyone come to cheer the team on at practice?

We do have our die-hards.

Let the games begin.

Oh.

Hey, Ror, will you give me and Will a minute?

Sure. I'll go grab a drink and a nibble.

Will, where is the café?

Uh, this is a soccer field.

Cute how you think that means something to me.

Hey, I was wondering,

is there any room on the team for Rory?

Rory?

- Does he do... sports? - Oh, never.

But I think being on a team will be good for him.

Now that he's class president,

he's become too self-involved.

Last week, he had a self-portrait commissioned.

- I gotta balance that out. - Okay.

Well, all I ask is that he care a little.

I mean, team morale is kinda low.

We... suck.

So, is that a yes? He's on the team?

I need him to be on the team.

- Yes, he's on the team. - Oh, thank you!

And by the way,

don't feel like you have to play him right away.

He's literally never kicked a ball in his life.

Ew!

Get that thing away from me!

Did I just do a soccer?

02x05 - Sport Original air date October 23, 2019

Hello, Angie.

I'll kill you!

Sorry... reflex. Hi.

You like living in my sauna?

Like it?

Graham and I love it.

Our pores are so open, I'm afraid our souls will escape.

Enough of the small talk.

I'm here as your landlord to, uh, report an incident.

How was your day?

So, Graham asked you how your day was.

How is that an incident?

I'm an American man!

I go into the world and I suffer through my day

with the understanding that when I return at home,

my suffering is going to be rewarded in three ways...

a Scotch,

a "JAG" rerun

that I haven't seen in a while,

and silence.

That ship's sailed, buddy.

You took us in in our time of need.

Graham is basically your shelter dog.

Yeah, well, you know what?

I don't want a shelter dog.

No one really does.

But now you got one.

And he's gonna follow you around,

talk to you.

You have kids.

Don't they talk to you?

We live by a shared code

of mutual disinterest in each other's lives.

That's weird, man.

But this is Graham. He's sweet.

He's like if a cinnamon bun wanted to give you a hug.

He just wants to be close to you.

See it as a nice thing.

Nah.

If you want to keep living here,

you're gonna have to tell him to give me my personal space.

And while you're at it, let him know

to keep his hands off my Raisinets.

Those are my "JAG" snacks.

I... I... I'm sorry.

I'll definitely talk to him.

Keep buyin' 'em if you want, old man.

I'll just steal 'em again.

Dad, check it out!

Oh, my God, I just got a thumbs up.

That's like the universal symbol for "I love you, Daddy.

Because of you, I'm confident enough

- to never date a bad man." - Ugh.

It's all because of Rory.

Well, who knew he'd be so good at sports?

I mean, he still calls basketball "the orange one."

Now look at him.

Gosh, he's doing the Gator chant.

Ooh! He's a team player.

My plan is working.

I mean, because of him,

we actually have a fighting chance

- at the tournament this weekend. - Mm-hmm.

Uh, which reminds me,

I need a copy of Rory's birth certificate.

Birth certificate? For a kids' soccer league?

Yeah, just to prove his age.

'Cause it's a 9-and-under league.

Oh. Well, you know Rory.

He's 9. We good?

No, actually.

League policy.

If I don't have a copy of his birth certificate,

Rory can't play.

Uh-huh, uh-huh.

Well, I mean, if you must know,

that document has been lost in a... a mudslide.

- You were in a mudslide? - Mm-hmm.

Or was it a hurricane?

Hurricane... Edith.

Yes. I'm surprised you don't remember, Will.

You're a weatherman. Shame on you.

So, you lost Rory's birth certificate

in a hurricane that hit Louisiana in 1971?

Come at a weatherman, you best not miss.

Stay... tuned... for... traffic.

Okay, it was a fire, and the, um...

Poppy, what's going on?

Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay.

Rory isn't 9. He's 10.

- No, he's not. - Yes, he is.

Wait, so the Ryan Murphy-themed birthday party

for a 9-year-old I went to

was actually a Ryan Murphy-themed birthday party for a...

A 10-year-old, yeah.

'Cause he wasn't turning 9, he was actually turning...

10. 10.

Oh, my God. Rory's 10?

He's 10. And he doesn't know.

He doesn't know his real age.

Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay.

It's not okay.

No.

Hey. What are you doing?

Waiting by the door.

For what?

When Douglas comes home,

I thought maybe we'd hang.

Throw back some root beer, play some Twister...

see where the night takes us.

You know, as much as I'd pay to see that,

we should talk.

Buddy...

I think you need to give Douglas some space.

- Why? - Because he's not normal.

And he's from a generation

where it was okay to give your children to firefighters.

But, you know, we're his guests, and if we want to stay here,

we have to respect his particular way of living.

But I care about Douglas.

How am I supposed to pretend that I don't?

Oh, great. People.

Doug... las.

Evenin'.

And to you.

Did I do good, Mom?

Was I coldhearted enough?

Oh, buddy. You were great.

But I have so many questions.

He had a soup stain on his shirt.

How did it get there?

Was it a "cream of," and if so, of what?

My guess is he was eating soup while wearing a shirt.

End of story.

So, I'm just supposed to leave him alone?