Brooklyn Nine-Nine

Everyone, check your email.

The greatest thing that could ever happen has just happened.

The girl who beat you for High School valedictorian died?

No, "Kevin Cozner requests your presence

at Raymond's birthday party."

Who's Kevin Cozner?

Is he the star of "Danzes with Wolvez?"

He's Captain Holt's husband. Captain Raymond Holt.

We're invited to the Captain's birthday party.

Oh, the Captain's party and whatnot.

I can't wait to see the inside of Raymond's house.

I'm gonna learn everything there is to know about him.

I bet it's really fancy, like Beauty and the Beast fancy.

No, it's probably just an empty, white cube

with a USB port in it for him to plug his finger in

when he's on sleep mode.

Apparently, my husband Kevin has invited you all to my party.

There is very little street parking, no gifts,

no singing of Happy Birthday. Should be fun.

Sounds fantastic.

Did you hear that? His husband invited us, not him.

He so doesn't want us there.

Yes, he does.

Mm, it was kind of a last-minute invite.

Just stirring the pot.

Why wouldn't Holt want us there?

Because he thinks we're going to embarrass him

in front of his husband, which, frankly, is insulting!

Oh, man.

All the orange soda spilled out of my cereal.

Happy Birthday, you sly, old fox.

How many spankings is it this year?

Peralta, please. Save some charm for the party.

Oh, you mean the party that you begrudgingly invited us to

at the last minute 'cause you don't want us there?

I couldn't be happier you're coming.

And it shows. I can't wait to meet Kevin.

I assume he's the fun one in the relationship.

I'm not sure you and Kevin will get along.

Really? Well, I disagree.

In fact, I will guarantee you that by the end of the night,

Kev and I will be best friends.

He hates being called "Kev."

Or does he? Yes.

Bam!

Behold, my secret weapon for winning over Kevin.

In this box is every grisly crime

the nine-nine has worked in the past eight years.

Civilians love juicy cop stories.

Oh, I call that murder where they strung

fishing wire through three guys.

Hey, we solved that together.

Well, tough Tetris. I called it.

Also, I've loaded all of my favorite karaoke backing tracks

onto my phone.

Kevin and I will be duetting Rolling in the Deep!

That's it, emergency squad meeting,

briefing room, two minutes.

Uh, adult parties?

Sergeant, I believe they're called orgies.

No-look five.

I met my wife at an orgy.

Well, she was leaving an orgy,

and we bumped into each other on the street.

Real meet-cute.

Thank you for exhibiting exactly why this meeting is necessary.

Everyone here needs some instruction

on interacting with grown-ups.

Sergeant, why am I here?

I'm always incredibly appropriate.

In High School, I was voted "most appropriate."

Ooh, self burn. Those are rare.

I shouldn't be here either. I'm fine at parties.

I just stand in the middle of the room and don't say anything.

No staring at your phones,

no rolling in two hours late.

No sweatpants, no jeans, and no shorts.

What about dress-up shorts?

For instance, the kind Jen Aniston might wear?

No, those are still shorts. No shorts.

And everyone bring a bottle of wine.

Why are there so many rules? I mean, next thing

you're gonna say is we can't be late.

Yeah, that's, like, the first thing I said.

Ohh.

This neighborhood's amazing.

Class just seeps outta every vestibule.

Keep it in your pants, Santiago.

Scully, I specifically said, "no shorts."

Sarge, it's not my fault.

You said so many things about shorts, I got confused.

Man, did I screw the pooch.

Oh. Peralta,

where have you been?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I know,

I am threety-five minutes late. Yikes!

But I had to stop and get some wine.

Hello, good sir, I'd like your finest bottle of wine, please.

That will be $1,600.

Great, I'd like your $8-est bottle of wine, please.

It's from the finest vineyard in Arkansas.

Ah, samesies!

Wow.

Wow.

Ah, welcome.

Captain.

Raymond!

Those slacks are a knockout.

Come on, Amy.

I trust you found my home easy to locate,

and thank you all for wearing appropriate footwear.

Wow, you really let your hair down

when you're not at the office.

Ah, detectives, meet my husband, Kevin.

Nice to meet you. Hi.

Evening, so glad you could make it.

Ah, and look, he brought us some wine.

"Drink." This is legally called "wine drink."

Hmm, how very thoughtful. Thank you.

It's red. Like blood.

You know, I worked a double homicide

on this block a couple years ago.

The details will astound you.

Yes, I am sorry.

Perhaps Raymond didn't say anything.

Our home has a "no shoptalk" policy.

I don't bring home Beowulf,

and he doesn't bring home cop stories.

Ah. So may I pour you

some of this wine drink you brought us?

Perhaps all of it?

All of it sounds good.

Actually, Ray and I met over the phone.

Oh, they've all heard the story.

No, we haven't, and we need to.

Well, Ray was a source for an article I was writing

for The New Yorker.

I asked him a series of dry questions

about police work, and his answers had me in stitches.

There's no one funnier than Ray Holt.

Amen. There isn't?

We met for a drink that night,

and we've been together ever since.

Yeah.

So, Kevin, I hear you're a Professor at Columbia?

That's right, yes. I head the classics department.

Ah, interesting, classics.

Zeppelin, Hendrix, Die Hard. Total classics head over here.

I'm joking, obviously. I know what the classics are.

The Odyssey and... the one you said when we got here,

the wolf one.

Kevin, why don't we go mingle

and let the detectives settle in?

Boyle, what happened to your shirt?

I spilled a wonderful winter salsa.

Here, wear my shirt. I was gonna take it off anyway.

Hitchcock, no!

Boyle, take my sweater.

Fits really well. We have similar physiques.

We've been here all of four minutes,

and you guys have already forgotten everything I said!

Party huddle, stat!

Okay, gang, we need a new strategy.

Totally. What is going on out there?

We can't tell cop stories, Kevin doesn't find me charming,

and a native English speaker referred to Captain Holt

as "hilarious." I am flummoxed!

That's a word I learned for this party, and I am it!

Well, I'm doing fine. Really?

"Raymond, those slacks are a knockout."

Do you think he heard that?

Only 'cause you yelled it.

Shut up.

From now on, we play to our strengths.

Charles, you know everything about food.

That's all you talk about.

I mean, I don't think anyone

will ever know everything about food.

It's an evolving discipline.

That's great stuff.

It's so boring. Don't waste it.

Amy, you studied art history.

That's interesting.

Scully, opera.

Hitchcock, nothing. Talk about nothing.

Rosa, stick with Gina.

Make sure she doesn't say anything insane

or steal anything.

Too late.

Don't worry, it's just, like, hats and scarves and stuff.

She will put those back. I will handle the chitchat.

Well, that just leaves you, Peralta.

What's your cultural specialty?

Easy, Kevin mentioned The New Yorker,

and I've totally read that.

Keep a low profile, chuckle at anecdotes.

Try not to start any conversations.

Got it.

Wait a minute, you're hitchcocking me?

Well, not surprising. We're practically twins.