The Big Bang Theory

All right, Raj has played his phantom warlord card,

and I am going to back him up with my strangling vines.

Choke on that, sucka.

Okay, well, then I'll just cut your vines with my ruby sword.

That's right, I did it. I cut 'em.

Um...

I have a question.

Warlord beats troll, troll beats elf,

elf beats water sprite,

and basically everything beats enchanted bunny.

Unless you have the carrot power.

Okay, I've got another question.

When does this get fun?

Are we going to talk

or are we going to play "Mystic Warlords of Ka-ah"?

Just play potion card.

Which one?

It doesn't matter.

You can't possibly win.

Sheldon, don't ruin the game.

How could he ruin the game?

Given the cards that have already been played,

Penny can only be holding necromancer potions,

which are only effective against wraiths and day-walkers,

and there are no more of either left to be drawn.

The cards remaining in the undrawn stack are:

four fire weapons, a troll, two ogres and the jewel of Osiris.

See? Ruined.

Sheldon, that is incredible.

From your vantage point, it certainly must seem so.

Sheldon has kind of a photographic memory.

"Photographic" is a misnomer.

I have an eidetic memory, as I've told you many times.

Most recently last year during lunch

on the afternoon of may seventh.

You had turkey and complained it was dry.

Well, I guess game's over.

Really? Oh, great.

I mean, aw.

Okay, I gotta go. Why?

Because the last me I didn't go,

I ended up playing "mystic warlords of ka."

Not "Ka. Ka-ah."

Buh-eye.

See ya.

Still can't believe she's going out with me.

Nobody can.

That reminds me, I have a bone to pick with you.

What?

You and I made a pact

that if either of us ever got a hot girlfriend,

That person would have his girlfriend

hook the other guy up

with one of her girlfriends.

I don't remember that.

June 30th, 2004.

Opening day of spider-man 2 at the AMC Pasadena.

They only had red icees, no blue.

Oh, yeah.

So you've been with Penny for like a month and a half now.

Where's my shorty, Morty?

Howard, you can't hold me to that.

Why not?

Because when I made that agreement,

I didn't think I'd ever have a hot girlfriend.

And I was positive you never would.

Hey, how come I wasn't part of this deal?

You had left the refreshment stand in order to indulge

in your customary preemptive pre-show urination.

Oh, so that's how it works?

I have a teeny bladder and now I don't get a hot girlfriend?

Yeah, Raj. That's how it works.

Damn.

* Our whole universe was in a hot, dense state *

* then nearly 14 billion years ago expansion started... Wait! *

* The earth began to cool *

* the autotrophs began to drool, Neanderthals develop tools *

* we built the wall * * we built the pyramids *

* math, science, history, unraveling the mystery *

* that all started with a big bang*

* bang! *

Oh, damn it. Can I have a napkin?

I'm sorry, no.

But you have a whole bunch of 'em.

Yes, I've moved to a four-napkin system.

Lap, hands, face and personal emergencies.

If you like, starting tomorrow,

I'll add a guest napkin,

but I'm afraid there's nothing I can do for you today.

Good luck. That's the face napkin.

So, have you talked to Penny yet?

No, I haven't.

Why not?

Because I've been busy, because I haven't figured out

a way to bring it up,

and mostly... and I can't stress how key this is...

because I don't want to.

Leonard, a pact is a pact.

You have to get Penny to fix me up.

It's not that simple.

What am I supposed to say?

"Penny, do you have any friends

you'd like to never hear from again?"

Come on, I'm smart,

I have good job and I have only three percent body fat.

It's true.

I've seen him at the beach.

He's like a human chicken wing.

Leonard, come on.

Fine. I'll ask if she has a friend for you.

Hot friend.

Right.

And tall.

I want our kids to be able to ride space mountain

before they're 20.

I'll see what I can do.

Hey, Sheldon, guess what I heard today?

I'd imagine you heard any number of things today.

When you arrived at work you undoubtedly heard, "hello, Raj."

"How are you, Raj?"

Given that you're wearing a new sweater-vest,

you may have heard "new sweater-vest?".

And possibly, though far less likely, "nice sweater-vest."

Why don't I just tell you what i heard today.

That would probably save us some time.

Saturday night at the comic book store,

they're having a "mystic warlords of ka-ah" tournament.

First prize is $500.

If we team up, we'd be unstoppable.

I'm sorry, Raj, but I have no interest

in playing a game in which I find no challenge.

What about the money?

I have money.

This is other money.

How does it different from the money I have?

Half of it will be mine.

Do you need it to buy a less disturbing sweater-vest?

Leonard, help.

Are you kidding?

I couldn't even talk him into giving one of his freakin' napkins.

Wow, you really are a genius.

Not really.

I googled how to do that.

So, listen... have you ever made a pact with someone?

Okay, fine, like a pinky swear.

Well, in the first grade, my friend Rosie and I

made a pact to marry Bert and Ernie.

You know, from Sesame Street?

I'm familiar with Bert and Ernie.

Knowing fact, we both wanted Ernie.

We didn't speak again until middle school.

Over puppets?

The heart wants what the heart wants, Leonard.

Okay.

Speaking of what the heart wants...

Um, a long time ago,

I made a pact with Wolowitz that kind of involves you.

Okay, I don't know where you're going with this,

but tread carefully because it may be the last conversation we ever have.

No, no, nothing like that.

The deal was that if either of us ever got a girlfriend,

we'd have her fix the other one up

with one of her friends.

And you thought a good time to bring this up be right after sex.

And during, I was trying to remember what I read on google, so...

I'm not hooking Wolowitz up with one of my friends.

It doesn't have to be a good friend.

And you know that deep down inside, Howard's a really nice guy.

The problem isn't what's on the inside.

It's the creepy candy coating.

Will you at least think about it?

Just as a favor to me?

Oh, great thing about Ernie,

was he never asked me for anything.

He just gave.

Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it. Got it.

Betty and Veronica?

Oh.

Hey, Sheldon, the new Green Lantern figurine's coming in tomorrow.

Want me to set one aside for you?

Thank you.

You just robbed me of the opportunity

to stumble upon the figurine

and make the oh-so-satisfying journey

from discovery to desire to possession.

All right, I won't set one aside for you.

But I must have it.

Okay, I'll set one aside for you. Thank you.

You know, I can buy all these things online.

I come here for the personal service.

Hey, Stuart, is the Wil Wheaton signed up

For the mystic warlords tournament.

The Wil Wheaton from Star Trek?

Yeah, he lives around here. Big gamer.

Excuse me.

Are you saying that Wil Wheaton aka Ensign Wesley Crusher

on Star Trek: The next generation

is going to be participating in your tournament?

Oh, I'm sorry, did I rob you of the opportunity to stumble onto that for yourself?

You don't understand.