Heckler

When are you gonna be on The Surreal Life?

The number one thing about hecklers is 100% of them

are douche bags.

To me, the word heckling is what an audience member does

when you're in the audience and, you know, you suck,

and when they're yelling at you when you're on stage.

To me that's a heckler.

A heckler is somebody who is wanting

to get in on the action.

English porno, I'll tell you what, it didn't work

because the guy was too polite.

I'm not kidding.

The guy was with the girl and he's

like... it's like I say.

The only person who talks like that is the queen.

The person that talks...

No other English person talks like that.

It's far too posh.

English people don't really talk like that.

Have you been fucked by all of England or...

That's... oh, that's not what he was talking like.

A heckler is the guy that...

He usually is a guy who never did anything.

You know, it's part of football.

People make bonehead plays.

Go Raiders!

I'm sure... I'm sure...

I'm sure I've made plenty of them.

And you know...

Go Raiders!

If this isn't the most disappointing loss,

is it maybe the strangest feeling

you've ever had after a loss?

Definitely.

Definitely.

It's definitely...

Go Raiders!

It's definitely a weird feeling, you know?

You know, it just...

I paid to get in the game.

I can say whatever I want.

It's just one of those...

Go!

A heckler has never, ever, ever, ever

made a show fucking better.

A dog will attack you if it doesn't

feel like you're confident.

A horse will throw if it feels that you're not

in control of it.

And hecklers will heckle when you

don't have control of the room.

They sit in an audience, they say something to comic...

You like Viagra?

I love Viagra, because...

Fuck you!

And comic would immediately think

or have a line in his head that how

I'll come back to him to shut him up.

Why the fuck did you come out of the house?

What, was the bowling alley closed?

Professional comic, they have a lot

of heckling line in their head pre-prepared.

If they said, well, I'm not funny,

I say, ask your mama how funny I was with her last night.

Get off the stage fatty, or I'll kill your whole family.

And it was like a Def Jam club and I never worked it before.

And I was like from Minnesota and I was really clean,

like I didn't have any dirty jokes.

So I was out there and I'm like, and my dog sounds like this.

And this woman in the front row, I'll never forget a gold tooth,

just stood up and she's like, you gots to go.

She's like, you're shit ain't funny.

And I'm like, sorry if I don't talk about my fucking dick

the whole time, and I just threw the mic down and ran away.

Why don't you make like a Kennedy and die young?

You know what the difference is, sir?

I came to the show in a limousine.

And you came behind 12 Siberian Huskies.

I was talking to this guy in the audience

and he was being... you know, he was drunk.

It was a Friday night late show and he was drunk.

And it's kind of dark, so I really can't see everybody,

but this guy's just making noise.

So I let it go, I let it go.

Finally, I asked him, all right, pal, what's your name?

And he goes, you talking to me?

I said, I'm looking right at you.

Who are you, Ray Charles?

What are you blind?

And he was.

She's sitting there going, no, please, get off.

Please leave.

Please leave now.

It's like, I was just going to do one last... no, please

stop it.

Get off.

All right.

And I just sort of...

Wow, sorry.

That was the emcee.

And at one point, a guy yelled out, you're a piece of shit.

And my big comeback for you're a piece of shit

was, sir, if I didn't know any better,

I'd swear you were trying to hurt my feelings.

Best heckle story's obviously when people

come at me with the bald thing.

Which I mean, you're on stage eight days a week, yeah,

I've never heard the bald comment.

And you know what, there's no one that's

going to come at me with the bald comment

that I'm not going to be able to rip apart.

You're bald.

What's that?

I'm bald?

Yeah, it's a high testosterone level.

You got a butch dyke haircut.

I didn't say anything about that.

No, she wants to fucking play.

She wants to fucking play.

She wanted to fucking play.

This old lady stands up and goes, they want you outside.

And I said who, and she said, the people inside.

70-year-old woman.

I really don't understand why people look at the audience.

You know, because you will see that person.

That person is sitting there and just like looking just like...

First, they're looking at you as if you like killed something.

You came over and just... You were in their yard

and you like gutted their cat and they're just looking at you

with a withering stare.

And what happens is then you go back to them.

There's 98% of the room is laughing

and you're fixated on this dip shit.

When you get like someone who really heckles you bad,

it's like their face comes zooming in

like you know?

And this guy goes, you cornbread eating motherfucker.

And I go, what?

What'd you say?

He goes, I said, you cornbread eating motherfucker!

And I was like, that's what I thought you said.

So I've been married for about a year...

I remember one guy I asked in the crowd...

And this was in New York... and I said, you're not liking me.

Because I could tell he wasn't laughing all night.

And I go, why aren't you liking me?

He goes, because you're ugly.

And I was thinking if I was a better looking guy,

this guy would be having the best night.

It wasn't like a homoerotic thing.

It was just like, because you're ugly.

And I go, what makes me so ugly?

And he goes, well, you're bald, you're fat,

and you got a big nose.

And I'm like, and besides that?

And he goes, I don't know.

That's about it.

So that was the only thing that really bothered him

of the whole night.

He wants more hot male comedy.

He was saying, oh, you're dumb.

He just spurted that out and he was kind of drunk.

I go, you're dumb.

You're a lot dumber than I am.

I can see that in your eyes.

He went crazy.

Not to hurt me, but he just went, no, you're dumb!

And then went, no, you're the dumbest here.

Everybody... hey everybody, is he the dumbest?

And the whole crowd goes, yes, he's the dumbest!

I am not the dumbest!

And then afterward I said, hey man, I don't think you're dumb.

Shut up, he said.

And then he goes, all right, and then he gave me a big hug

and then walked out.

I just said, look at this guy, and it just came out.

And he snapped.

He's like, I'll fucking kill you motherfucker!

And he just lost it.

And as he walks by, he takes out of his jacket, not a knife,

but a sword, a sword like this big.

A mini Lord of the Rings Hobbit sword.

And all I heard in the background

from somebody in the background is, he's got a sword.

I was on stage in New Mexico and some kid was going...

Just halfway during a punch line I hear,

ching, ching, ching, chong ching, ching chong ching,

ching, ching, ching, chong.

This was a really dark Mexican guy.

So then I just basically went, ole!

You know, just to get it going back at him.

I mean, hey, I'm digging a ditch!

You know?

I'm a ditch digger!

And all of a sudden, through my periphery view,

I see him climbing onto the stage.

So I keep going.

I go, what?

And then all of a sudden, like I black out

and I'm literally like on the stage laying down.