Me and Him (Ich und Er)

Oh, hi, there.

Come closer.

Half of you... You men know me, or someone like me.

The other half... You women want me.

All the time.

You see, there's two and a half billion of us on this planet,

and there's a man attached to each one of us.

We're very important to men. Precious.

And they take us everywhere.

We keep them happy, alert, alive.

We even have a... A little saying:

"It's not who stands behind every man,

it's what stands in front."

But some guys forget that.

Some get distracted by money.

Some by power.

And some guys, well, they don't have a clue.

In New York, it's success that get's in the way.

There's four million of us competing here.

Cut off, laid end-to-end,

we'd stretch from here to Montreal.

Each one of us has a story. This one is mine.

Some guys got it good here.

Others of us get the short end, like me.

I'm saddled with a no-fun partner.

A family man.

That's his wife and kid. He is a drone.

Mommy! Oh.

A faithful husband. A monogamist.

Well, that's me. And him.

He stayed up all last night, working.

Why? He's miserable and he doesn't even know it.

I can't take it anymore.

Somehow, I've got to make him see what we've been missing.

I... I can't stay silent any longer.

Oh, my poor baby.

It stinks.

The proposal stinks. Karamis is never going to accept this.

Bert, don't torture yourself.

The marina is brilliant and you know it.

You're brilliant.

I'm a fraud.

Karamis is not only gonna turn this down,

he's gonna fire me,

decertify me as an architect...

I'm never gonna get a job...

Stop it. Stop it right now, Bert Uttanzi.

Your son wants to see his daddy smile.

Come on, honey. Smile.

Smile with B.J. Okay.

Oh.

Hey, come here.

You still gonna love me when Karamis turns this proposal down

and we end up in the poorhouse?

Mm... yes.

Mwah.

But that won't happen. All right?

Surprise!

Hey, Louie Armstrong.

B.J., did you do this?

Yes.

We got a present here.

Come on, Dad, make a wish.

Okay.

I wish they make my building.

That's a stupid wish.

Happy birthday!

Yay!

What?

Yay! What?

Yay! Come on... I made my wish.

After all, it's my birthday too, Bert. Whoo-hoo!

Do you hear that?

Bert?

Whee!

Hey, Bert, you... You o... You okay, buddy? Bert?

Honey, what is it?

Honey?

Oh, yeah. Ah... I got my wish.

Don't open your eyes.

She's gotta give us mouth-to-mouth.

I think he's coming to.

Oh, thank God, thank God.

Honey...

What happened?

What happened? Come on, honey.

Nothing. Yet. Just relax.

No. No, no. Don't get up.

Just relax, all right?

Can I talk to you for a second?

Alone?

Bert made this for me. It's our dream house.

And we're gonna get it

as soon as his project gets off the ground.

I used to have a pool, then I got divorced.

Oh, really.

You're so lucky.

It's a dream.

He speaks?

Yes. He speaks.

Out loud?

Bert... There.

I wouldn't try explaining this.

There he is.

Here he is. He's here.

What? You hear this?

Come on.

You didn't hear that?

Come on, speak!

Hey!

Hey. Come on, speak up.

Speak up.

Nothing.

Okay.

You say that this voice that you think you're hearing

is coming to you from your genital region?

Um, Charlie...

Okay, your Charlie region.

No. Charlie. Your name, isn't that your name? Charlie?

That's my name. Charlie.

That's good, Charlie.

I'm feeling much better. I really am.

Why don't we just forget all about this?

Really.

Uh, Sue, don't you think that Mr. Uttanzi should take

a ride in with us for tests?

Absolutely. Oh, yes.

No, really. I'm fine. I just haven't slept.

Well, it'll just take a couple of minutes.

I can't. Not this morning. Really.

I have to show my proposal.

Honey, take care of these people.

Um, you know, I... I feel kind of silly that we called you now.

I mean, I'm sure nothing's really wrong.

Whoa, you can have them all.

Is this gonna go on forever?

Just till you respect me.

All right, I respect you. Now, get lost.

Excuse me... Oh, I'm sorry.

She smiled at you. She smiled.

Look at her. Look what we've been missing.

Oh, come on, Bert.

It's not gonna hurt to sneak a little peak.

Go on. Follow her.

What could happen?

Are you off your rocker? I gotta get to work.

We got five more minutes. It won't take long.

Trust me.

What am I doing? I gotta get to work, here.

I got the most important meeting of my whole life.

All right, so get her number and call her after the meeting.

Oh. Come on, be a buddy.

I don't need this.

It's not your life anyway, it's my life.

No, you lost her. She's gone.

You'll never see her again.

Oh, look. She's waiting for you.

Oh, she's so shy.

Flash her those pearly whites, please.

Oh...

Uh-oh.

A pleasurable, floating domicile.

A floating hotel.

A "float-tel," if you will.

That is the concept that I would like to give to you today.

Good morning, office.

Hey, good morning, sweetie.

Hey, I don't buy it.

He got it caught in the revolving door.

Yeah. Well, you better hurry up.

Hey, the suits are inside, man. Including the witch.

What? They brought Mrs. Karamis?

Oh, boy.

Okay. Okay, well, wish me luck.

Well, you'll be needing it.

Your horoscope says to stay in bed all day.

Bert, we're the same side.

Sorry. Excuse me.

Sorry I'm late. Uh, my, uh, kid...

Well, that's real nice of you to share with us, Bert.

Go ahead.

Thank you.

Function.

Let's put the "fun" back into "function."

That's what I believe...

Peter. Mm?

I'm getting bored.

this marina design is all about.

Here in the hotel...

Art? ...is a functional...

We've, uh... We've had enough.

But I have more cards.

Some other time, sweetheart.

Thank you.

Bert.

Do you have something to show us, Bert?

Is it my turn?

We'd love to see your blueprints, darling.

She doesn't wanna see the blueprints,

she wants to see me.