Two and a Half Men

* Men. *

Morning.

Oh, morning.

What you doing?

Saving a little money, so Jake is brown-baggin' it.

Oh, who am I kidding?

Breakfast of champions.

Type Two Diabetes Division.

Charlie's still in bed?

Uh-huh.

Ow.

You all right?

Yeah, just a little back pain.

Oh, no. Uh, would you like me to take a look?

Oh, it's okay.

Chelsea, I'm a chiropractor.

This is what I do.

Besides, you're like family now,

which entitles you to my family and friends discount.

All right.

You'll actually be the first one to use it.

Now, I trust your insurance is up-to-date.

Yeah, but I don't think it covers chiropractic.

Oh, of course not.

Big insurance will pay

for an 80-year-old man to get a boner,

but God forbid his spine is erect.

Now, how long have you been dealing with this pain?

On and off since I'm a teenager.

Aha, so, would this be around the time you started to develop?

What do you mean?

Well, you know, as a woman.

Boobies.

Oh, uh, yeah.

Ah.

I've always known that's a factor,

but what are you gonna do?

Well, I would recommend that you get two adjustments a week

and ultrasound massage therapy.

Plus, we'll work on strengthening your upper traps

and rhomboids so they can support the load on your pecs.

Or, in layman's terms,

reinforce the door that holds up the knockers.

You're staring at them, Alan.

It's okay. I'm almost a doctor.

Anyway, I've tried all that.

It didn't help.

Well, there is one other option, but it's kind of a last resort.

What's that? Have you considered having breast reduction surgery?

Something's wrong.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men. *

You see, they reshape the whole breast so you can't even tell.

How long does it take to heal?

Well, it says just a few weeks.

You can keep Charlie off 'em for that long, can't you?

I don't know.

Might have to get some loaners.

Morning.

Morning. Morning.

Oh, that is not good porn.

It's not porn.

It's a Web site about breast reduction surgery.

Oh, Alan, you don't need surgery.

A little exercise'll firm up those man boobs.

Don't be silly, Charlie.

Alan suggested it might be a solution for my back pain.

Really?

Alan made that suggestion?

I just said it could help.

I'll tell you what helps pain.

Pain pills.

In fact, I saw a guy on the news

with a nail in his head,

and thanks to pain pills, he was laughing.

What about addiction?

That's the least of his problems.

He's got a nail in his head.

Charlie. Kidding. Kidding.

Look, I love your breasts just the way they are,

but if you're in pain, you have my unconditional support

to do whatever you have to do to feel better.

Really?

So you'd be okay with this?

Sweetie, come on.

I'm sure if you knew

that the weight of my penis was causing me back problems,

you'd be okay with me shaving off a few inches, right?

I suppose.

Of course, I've learned to deal with that pain,

but that's my choice.

Well, thank you for being so understanding.

You don't have to thank me. I love you.

I love you too.

I'm gonna go get ready for work.

I'll be up in a minute.

Charlie, I gotta say, I think you handled that really...

Are you out of your freakin' mind?

My fingers!

What are you doing sticking your nose

in my fiancée's breasts?

I was just trying to help.

Let's make one thing clear: the only acceptable

boob reduction in this house is you moving out.

Funny. Please, Charlie...

I make my living with my hands.

Really? Somebody's paying you to masturbate?

Also funny.

Don't I wish.

Now, please stop now.

I am duly chastised.

Not good enough.

You need to be punished.

What?!

I'm giving you a time out.

What are you talking about?

You've been very bad

and you need to think about what you've done.

Okay, fine. You want me to go to my room?

Not far enough. Movies?

Not long enough.

What do you want me to do?

I can't afford to stay in a hotel.

Here.

That's enough for two nights in a nice hotel

or two months in an airport locker.

I don't want your money.

Fine. Go sleep in your car.

Hold on.

I'll just take a couple of bucks for gas, that's it.

And meals. I have to eat.

Tips and incidentals.

* Men. *

That feel good?

Flavored oils.

This one's...

apple cinnamon.

Nice.

Want a lick?

No, thanks.

You sure?

Tastes kind of like oily pie.

I'll pass.

Okay, more for me.

You know, I appreciate this,

but I don't think it's going to solve my back problems.

Well, not right away.

But if we do this enough, who knows?

You might feel so much better, you'll want bigger boobs.

I don't think so, Charlie.

Fair enough.

I want 'em bigger, you want 'em smaller.

So we'll compromise and leave them just the way they are.

God, I love that we can talk these things out.

I made an appointment for a consultation

with a plastic surgeon.

What?

The more I think about it, the more I think Alan's right.

No-no-no, no, no. Alan's never right.

Ask anybody.

He's like an idiot savant without the savant part.

I'm hoping you'll come with me for support.

Hey, you can always count on me for support.

I love you for who you are, not the size of your breasts.

Thank you.

Of course it goes both ways, you know.

One of these days I'm gonna need you to love me for who I am,

despite my old man balls.

"Old man balls"?

They get long, baby.

Hey, don't throw away your D-cup bras.

We may be able to re-purpose them.

* Men. *

EVELYN (over intercom): Hello?

Hi, Mom.

Oh, Alan. To what do I owe

this unannounced and inconvenient pleasure?

Uh, just hoping to ask for a favor.

I see.

Please tell me that there's

a severed head in that bag and you want me to hide it.

Nope, just socks and underwear.

How many pair?

Come on, Mom, don't make me beg.

: All right.

You know where the guest room is.

Thank you.

Uh, oh, uh, I hope I'm not interrupting anything.

Not unless you want to talk to my gentleman friend.

I was joking, Edgar. Don't stop.

Good night, Alan.

Night, Mom.

Edgar.

* Men. *