Dads

Dads is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

Morning. Morning, gang.

Hump day! Let's do it.

It's Monday.

Yup.

Well, I'm gonna take lunch.

Oh, I had the worst night last night.

Me, too.

I was visiting my sick aunt in the hospital.

Aw. Yeah.

I was at a play.

Yeah. Plays are the worst.

She's been upgraded to critical.

Thanks for asking.

So, the play, was it, uh, bad Southern accents

or bad British accents?

Southern. It was Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.

Gosh, it's just three hours of people fake-fanning themselves.

I declare it's so hot on this tin roof..

I can't tell you how many actors

were drinking from empty glasses.

Oh, I'm really thirsty.

I think I'm gonna drink

from this big glass of nothing.

I hate when they pretend to drive

and just steer way too much.

Like every road is constantly curvy.

The worst is when they, when they walk down the aisles

and they act to you.

When I was a kid, I went and saw Godspell.

Uh, they tried to pull me on stage and I punched Jesus.

Oh, you know what else is terrible?

This is a lightning storm.

Oh, no!

Oh, no, the thunder!

You better get your umbrella!

Oh, my God.

I think I'm gonna stay inside

and just drink from this big glass of nothing!

Wow! Did you see that lightning?

I'm gonna call it a day before the rains come.

I had so much fun at that play last night.

Didn't you?

Yeah, I'm always so happy

when I leave the theater.

You know,

I was thinking I might audition for a play.

That's a great idea!

You should totally do that.

Honey, honey...

why the sudden need to be interested in things?

Don't I give you enough money during the week?

I just... I spend so much time with housekeeping

and with the kids.

And you're so good at it.

Keep it up.

Warner, I could really use a creative outlet in my life.

Okay, 80 more dollars a week,

but I can't go any higher than that.

Ooh, I could just come back to work with you guys.

No! No!

I thought so. Thanks, honey.

Yeah, okay, um...

So...

working late...

dinner, just the two of us.

It's kind of like a date.

Ah!

This is work. You are paying me to be here.

That's a date in Vegas.

Me hate you long time.

See you tomorrow.

It's a date.

Ow!

Ow, ow, ow! Hey! Hey!

Ow, ow! Hey, hey! Hey.

What are you two even doing down here?

He disgusting pig-man.

Come on, guys, come on, whatever it is,

I'm sure it's not that a big a deal.

I may have brought bedbugs into our home.

I will bite you!

Eli!

No, no!

Eli.

He not worth it, man.

How did you even get bedbugs?

Well, it may have happened when I tried on fur coats

at the thrift shop.

Or when I took a nap

on that couch near the Dumpster.

Or when I was shirtless

on the bus.

Why did you do any of those things?

I'm a different guy when I leave the house.

David!

That's my desk.

Well, la-dee-da.

What is going on?

My father brought bedbugs into our house,

so we have to spend the week here.

Unless of course you'd like

to have me to sleep at your place.

Sorry, my lease says "no kids."

Hi, honey.

Hey, sweetie. Guess what?

What?

I got the lead in the play!

Oh, my God.

I knew you'd be so excited.

I need you to thank Eli for me

because I wouldn't have done this without his encouragement.

Oh, yeah, he's right here.

I-I'll thank him right now.

Eli?

Okay. Thanks for helping me rehearse, baby.

Yeah, it's the perfect capper

to a ten-hour workday.

Okay, you play Casper.

Casper.

"A 30-something headstrong Albanian.

"He gives and takes guff equally,

making him guff-neutral."

Okay.

"Promise me you won't get mad, dear Casper."

"I can't promise that any more than the hawk can promise

the chicken to be true."

Seriously?

Yes, seriously.

Let's keep going, okay? Okay.

"I parked your scooter

under a tree and got sap on it."

"Don't gasp about past sap.

"And don't grasp my arm

like a rat bastard pastor, Casper."

Wow, that's gonna be a tough line to learn.

- Yeah. - Pastor...

Uh, Camila, you know, I'd love to do this,

but I got laundry and I got to make dinner

and I got to reassure our children

that Mommy still loves them, okay? Well...

we just started.

I have to learn all these lines.

I can help you, Camila.

Really?

Mm-hmm.

Were you watching us silently again?

I've told you several times to stop doing that.

Well, I was supposed to be playing golf,

but they kicked me out after I accidentally

drove a ball into a child's back.

Casper, huh?

Uh, by the way, I'm passing a stone,

so if I start screaming, duck.

Let me know if I'm in your way.

No, you're good.

Hey.

Hey. Hey.

Sorry I'm late.

I was driving my kids to preschool.

I had to teach myself how to change a dirty diaper

on the side of the freeway.

Thank you.

Why did we have to get here so early?

Well, I like to marvel at the curtain.

That is one hell of a curtain.

Hey, hey... that's my armrest!

That's my armrest.

Let's Rock, Paper, Scissor for it.

In Mexico, is Donkey, Pistol, Sombrero.

How does that work?

Pistol shoot donkey,

donkey stomp sombrero,

sombrero cover pistol.

All right.

Ready?

Uno, dos, tres. One, two, three.

Okay, your armrest.

Well, it appears

as though fate has thrown us together again.

We're a regular Gnomeo and Juliet.

Oh, ha-ha!

It's only our second date,

and already we sound like an old married couple.

Hey, don't try and fool me

with the "vagina in the popcorn trick," okay?

Ladies and gentlemen?

We have some bad news.

Our lead actor's been in a serious car accident.

Yes!

Oh, sorry. I'm sorry.

Sorry.

So in the grand tradition of show business,

tonight's performance is cancelled.

I'm sorry.

Congratulations, honey... dream achieved!

I'll meet you at the car, okay?

Crawford, hey!

You rehearsed with me for hours.

You know all the lines.