M*A*S*H

‐Margaret. ‐Frank.

Oh, Margaret, you don't know what it does to me,

being near you all day in surgery,

only able to touch you through rubber gloves.

Oh...

Dance?

You all right?

Oh, yes.

It's just this song.

It gives me goose bumps.

I'm the same way about "Pennsylvania 6‐5000."

Ohh, you're so light on your feet.

I was voted "Most Graceful" in my class

at Veloz and Yolanda.

Oh...

Oh, Frank.

Frank, that's marvelous,

but the blood is beginning to rush to my head.

It's not marvelous, Margaret.

It's my back. I can't move.

(grunting, painful moaning)

Frank, don't moan.

But I have to.

When a man's in pain, he has to moan.

No, not unless he wants to get caught

in a lady's tent.

I won't moan a word.

But we've got to do something.

Can't you let go of me?

I'll try.

Now... go get help.

But they'll see us... dressed like this.

In my tent! With a candle.

And "I'm In the Mood For Love".

But, Margaret, I need help!

Oh, and you'll get help, my darling...

but not in my tent!

I don't think I should be here, Hawkeye.

War's a dirty business, Lieutenant.

None of us should be here.

I mean in your tent.

My tent's a dirty business, too,

but it's a lot more fun than the war.

Wait.

Have an olive for your martini.

Olive? There aren't any olives in Korea.

There are at least a dozen right here in this jar.

From China.

Communist China?

I never talk politics with an olive.

But they do come from up there.

Mm‐hmm.

How?

Well, let's just say

I know a Red on the black market

who gets me green olives.

Ohh!

Oh, that's terrible.

Oh, those dumb commies.

That's why they'll lose.

You can't conquer the world

with a shoddy olive.

Hitler found that out.

Mm. Mm. Oh, this is sensational.

You're my kind of girl, Nancy:

drunk.

Hawkeye.

Are you a ventriloquist?

Mm‐mm. It's your roomie.

I thought you were shooting craps with the chaplain.

It's Frank. He's had an accident.

Well, give him a mop

and tell him to be more careful next time.

Come on, give me a hand, will you?

I'm serious.

I hate him when he's serious.

Be right back.

What's the matter, Frank?

‐It's my‐‐ ‐His back. It's his back.

How'd it happen?

‐Well, I‐‐ ‐Uh, he fell.

On his way to the shower.

He was coming from that direction

from his tent, I guess,

going in that direction‐‐ the showers.

Were you directing traffic

at the time of the accident, Officer?

Don't get snippy, Captain.

Frank, do you have a history with your back?

Oh, it goes out every few years.

The last time was V‐J Day in Times Square

when this big sailor hugged me.

Let's get him to the post‐op ward

and string him up. Maybe traction would help.

Oh, traction helps.

Usually a day or two in traction and I'm‐‐

Now wait a minute, Frank. I'm the doctor here.

I thought I was the doctor here.

Actually, we're all doctors here.

Even the patient's a doctor here.

Hear, hear.

Will you clowns act like professionals?

That man is hurt.

He's probably in shock.

He'll be in divorce court

if you don't erase the tracks from your tent.

Well, Frank, how goes it?

He's resting comfortably, Colonel.

Thank you, Major.

Any pain, Frank?

Slight muscle spasms this morning,

but re‐adjusting the traction helped.

Thank you.

‐Radar, give me the‐‐ ‐Yes, sir.

‐Thank you. ‐Welcome.

Uh, I wonder if we could discuss this, Frank.

It seems you've, um, applied for the Purple Heart.

Yes, Colonel, you see, the way we understand it‐‐

Major, unless Frank's tongue's broken,

I'd like to hear it from him.

Frank?

Well, yes, Colonel, I've, um...

put in for the Purple Heart.

But according to your accident report,

you tripped in the mud on the way to the shower.

‐Yes. ‐Is that the way

you want it announced at the awards ceremony?

"Tripped in the mud on the way to the shower"?

Well‐Well, I‐I...

Sir, this injury was sustained

at a front line unit.

Technically, that makes it battle‐connected.

On that basis, we'll be handing out medals for social diseases.

What are you doing here, Pierce?

Well, I have a stethoscope fetish.

This is the only place I can wear one

without attracting attention.

Henry, you're not gonna endorse

this idiot's application, are you?

That's "Major" to you, Captain!

Henry, you're not gonna endorse

this major idiot's application, are you?

Pierce, that's a decision I'll decide

when I decide and make my, uh, uh, decision,

and that will, uh, decide.

Doc! Doc!

Now take it easy, kid. I'm a doctor.

Ohh... But I need Dr. Pierce.

He's the only one who can help me.

I'm Pierce. What's the problem?

You're my problem. I think I love you.

Tommy!

You're a beautiful sight.

What are you doing here?

What am I doing here?

I'm an American soldier. I'm one of the good guys.

Last I heard, I thought you had a fool‐proof way to beat the draft.

Well, the recruiting sergeant peeked under my dress,

and here I am.

Henry, I want you to meet one of my best friends‐‐

Tommy Gillis. Tommy, Henry Blake.

Henry, you're a beautiful sight!

Well, uh, how's it going, uh, Tommy?

Then he writes a poem to his teacher

called "Ode to a Pretty Teacher."

Oh, he did. He did.

Listen, how long have you two nuts

‐known each other anyway? ‐What time is it?

Right now, 15 years.

No, it's more than that.

It was, uh‐‐ it was back in grammar school,

fourth grade.

Fifth grade, remember?

He was a wonderful child.

He was a bit of a sissy.

But he was one of the great milk monitors I've ever seen.

A milk monitor!

Well, that was a very responsible position.

It was the Depression,

and anybody with milk carried a lot of weight.

Ohh. (chuckling)

Ha ha ha ha!

Maxine.

Listen, what I don't understand is what a guy like you

with your‐with your background is doing here in the infantry?

Why aren't you a correspondent, or something?

I'm keeping my country safe from the Communist menace.

You used to be a Communist!

I'm keeping my country safe from me.

Oh, I'll drink to that.

Look, if I was a correspondent,

I'd be reporting the war.

In the infantry, I'm living it.

So what's the difference?

Here.

Here's the difference.

You Never Hear the Bullet.

What? Is that‐‐ is that the book?

Yeah, it's about the war,

and it's being written by a soldier,