Two and a Half Men

all this time without a jockstrap.

I don't like it.

It feels like I'm flossing my butt crack.

Based on what I'm paying your dentist,

you know nothing about flossing.

Think of it as a bra for your balls.

Oh, now I want one.

What size are you?

How should I know?

I think they have one of those measuring things.

You know, like at the shoe store.

Length, width.

He's kidding, right?

Yes, he's joking,

Don't do that.

Here, "teen."

Think you can fit your junk into that?

I'll make it fit. Let's just go.

No, no, put it on over your pants. We'll take a look.

The heck you will.

Charlie, you're embarrassing him.

Of course I am.

That's why I came.

Oh, sorry, sorry. Excuse me.

Charlie Harper?

Where? He owes me money.

Miss Pasternak?

Jake! Wow, look at you.

Look how much you've grown.

I reached puberty.

Oh, right, Miss Pasternak, fifth grade,

Woodward Avenue Elementary School.

Oh, yeah, Miss Pasternak!

Oh, yeah, Miss Pasternak.

So, are you still teaching?

No. No, I'm not.

How are you, Charlie?

Good, good. Nice to see you. Long time.

You look terrific. Guess who's wearing a jock.

Oh, how nice.

Well, it's great to see you all.

Good-bye.

Bye, Miss Pasternak.

Dodged a bullet there.

I'll say.

She was kind of shook up after I broke it off with her.

Kind of shook up?

She went bananas and bit the gym teacher.

Where?

In the gym.

You miserable son of a bitch!

I gave you my heart, I gave you my soul,

I gave you my body and you just threw me aside

like I was some piece of garbage!

Yeah, my bad.

So, what's new?

Oh, you want to catch up?

Yeah, sure, let's catch up.

Let's see, um, well, okay, after you dumped me,

I had a nervous breakdown.

Well, it sure looks like you bounced back.

And then after my breakdown,

I got fired and blackballed from teaching.

Oh... bummer.

So, what are you up to now?

I'll tell you what I'm up to now.

I lost my house, I'm living in a cheap motel,

and my new career is giving lap dances to strangers

while I'm swinging by my crotch on a pole eight times a night.

Have you considered an athletic supporter?

Okay, well, thanks for the update.

Nice seeing you.

: Move, move, move.

You ruined my life, Charlie Harper!

Righto. Bye.

We didn't pay for the jockstrap. Just keep walking.

How can you live with yourself, you horrible evil man?!

He drinks.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

We're making an apple and sugar mixture...

What are you watching?

The Food Network.

I'm learning how

to prepare a cinnamon-apple cobbler.

Tired of being at the mercy of the dealers, huh?

What?

Nothing, nothing.

Listen, I think I owe you an apology.

For what?

You know, this morning in the drugstore?

Oh, yeah, the jockstrap jokes.

You shou be sorry.

No, not the jockstrap jokes.

Those were funny. I stand by those.

I meant the run-in with your old teacher.

You probably shouldn't have seen that.

I've seen worse.

Remember the Pilates instructor who threw

the lit road flare through your bedroom window?

Yeah. That was awesome.

That's one word for it.

Oh, and remember the dental hygienist

who shot your ass up full of Novocain?

I do.

That was so funny.

You kept falling off the toilet.

Yeah, good times.

What do you do that gets these women so pissed off at you?

It's hard to say exactly.

I guess when a guy has an intimate relationship...

Oh, remember the girl from the tanning salon

who tried to shoot you with a bow and arrow?

Yeah, Jake.

My point is, I was wrong in the way I treated those women,

and you should learn a lesson from my mistakes.

You mean like keep a fire extinguisher by your bed?

Sure, that's one lesson.

And whenever a dental hygienist drops a quarter,

never bend over to pick it up?

Yeah, that, too.

And never go to a Halloween party

with a girl dressed as Robin Hood?

The thing is, Jake,

you wouldn't have to learn any of these lessons

if you always treated women better in the first place.

I'm confused. If I don't have to learn them,

why are you bothering me with them?

I don't know.

I'm sorry to take up your valuable time.

What the heck was that all about?

* Men. *

Hey. Guess what?

Turns out my kid's jockstrap is too small.

Good news, eh?

Yeah, terrific.

Alan, let me ask you something.

Do you think I'm a horrible, evil person?

Yes.

What? You are.

Thanks a lot.

Well, you know, not intentionally evil.

I mean, you know,

is a tornado evil when it picks up a mobile home

and flings it into an orphanage?

Is a shark evil

when it eats some poor schmuck on a boogie board?

Is a flesh-eating virus evil when it attacks...?

I get it, I get it, I get it.

I'm a malevolent force of nature.

Pretty much.

Is this about what happened with Jake's old teacher today?

She said that I ruined her life.

Well, she did choose to sleep with you.

How much of a life could she have had in the first place?

Don't try to make me feel better.

Because of me, the woman lost her teaching career,

and now she's dancing in this skeevy club in Van Nuys

and living in some fleabag motel.

How do you know what club she works at?

The clubs have Web sites, the Web sites have pictures.

It's not rocket science.

Her dancing name is Desiree Bush.

Certainly more colorful than Delores Pasternak.

And presidential to boot.

I gotta tell you, I'm feeling a little guilty.

Does that surprise you?

No, what surprises me is the liquor isn't helping.

It just beads up on the guilt and rolls right off it.

Oh, come on, this can't be the first woman

who had a nervous breakdown,

lost her job and wound up taking her clothes off

for horny strangers because of you.

Of course not.

But it's never bothered me before.

Well, maybe you're finally

developing a conscience.

At long last realizing that your actions have consequences

for other people.

Don't talk down to me, Jiminy Cricket.

Sorry.

But you're right.

I do need to take responsibility for the damage I've caused.

Where you going?

Where else? Strip club.

Wait up. I'll drive.

* Men. *

Good Lord, she's quite the gymnast.

I know. I never understood why this isn't in the Olympics

and synchronized diving is.

Hey, honey, when's Miss Bush come out?

Whenever Ben Franklin comes out.

I mean Desiree Bush.

She's around here somewhere.

Thank you.