The Standups

Ladies and gentlemen, please give a warm welcome

to Joe List.

Thank you!

Wow.

That was...

really nice.

That's just...

That was...

That was terrifying. Um...

Thank you. That was nice of you guys. You seem nice.

I did a show the other night. There was a guy, looked like me.

I said, "Hey, man, you look like me!"

He went, "Oof..."

I was like, "I didn't mean to hurt our feelings."

That's probably the best way to get a sense of what you look like.

Tell somebody they look like you, and then see how they respond.

Walk up to a stranger. "You look like me!"

They're like, "Fuck you!"

I knew it, thank you. I appreciate your honesty.

I'm self-conscious. My wife, I don't think she's attracted to me.

I dunno if you have that problem in your relationship.

I was like, "Babe, do you think I hot?" She was like, "You're the sweetest."

All right. Those aren't really synonyms. Um...

"Do you think I'm sexy?"

She's like, "You're very punctual."

I guess that's true.

A little hurtful in this context.

Walking away, I was like, "I might kill myself."

She's like, "You had a good run." That wasn't even a question!

I'm self-conscious. I got body-shamed when I was younger.

That's a new term. When I was young, we called it,

"telling a person what they look like to their face." That was...

That was the term back in the '90s.

I got made fun of for having a big forehead.

This girl said to me. "You have a five -head."

I was not familiar with the term.

I was like, "What's a five -head?"

"Like a fore -head, but bigger. A five-head."

It sucks when you get made fun of,

and the person explains how they made fun of you...

and it's pretty good. "That's not bad. I see what you did there. That was..."

If you get made fun of for being fat,

at least you can be like, "You know, I'm gonna diet, and exercise,

and I'll show you."

But if you get made fun of for having a big forehead,

there's really no action for you to take.

You can't be like, "I'll have the salad. I'm watching my forehead right now."

I was smart. I just tried to keep my eyebrows raised all the time.

Kind of shrink that forehead up a bit.

I looked surprised through middle school. Like, "That's unbelievable!"

When you're young, you get made fun of. Kids are sociopaths.

Adults, we try to be nice-ish, but kids really don't care.

One time I had a growth spurt. I grew, which is natural, of course.

But my pants didn't grow with me.

That's not how pants work.

So my pants were too short.

I was got made fun of for having pants that were too short.

Didn't even know.

Thought I was having a conversation with a classmate.

He was like, "Hey, is there a flood coming?"

I was like, "I don't think so.

It's not even precipitating outside. What?

We don't even live near a body of water. You don't have to worry about that."

He was like, "Your pants are too short."

"Wouldn't I take my sneakers off if there was a flood coming?"

He was like, "You're an idiot." "Your joke-writing needs work.

Talk to the 'five-head' girl. She could punch that shit up for you."

I go up to my mother. "Return these pants, they're no good."

Good mother. She brought me new pants. "How are these?"

I'm like, "I dunno. We'll fucking find out on Monday!

I don't know what a good pant is any more!

I liked the last pants. They were comfy and kept my ankles nice and breezy."

We had to return the pants at Sears. That's where we got our pants.

And tools and tires. We got everything at Sears.

My mother's like, "We need to return these."

The lady's like, "What's the reason?"

My mother's like, "My son was called a Huck Finn-looking faggot. Good enough?"

The lady's like, "Sorry. That's horrible. We'll get you a fresh pair of pants."

Mother was like, "Kids can be awfully hilarious."

I'm like, "That was unnecessary, but all right."

Ooh! True story. Um...

People try to make you feel better when you get made fun of.

"They're just making fun of you because they're jealous." Ever hear that?

That's sweet, but that's not why people are making fun of you.

Even when I was ten, I was like, "I don't think that's what's happening.

Maybe. Maybe they wish their head was too big for their body,

and that's why they're giving me a hard time, but I don't think so."

People don't because they're jealous. They make fun of you 'cause it's fun.

That's where the term comes from.

Making fun.

Kids are like, "You're not fun, so we're creating fun

using your face, body and personality...

and pant legs in this specific instance.

You're gonna need therapy. We're having a blast because we made fun out of you."

Ever made fun 'cause they weren't around, but then they were there the whole time?

It's the worst feeling in the world. All been there.

It happened to me recently. I was in the great state of Arizona.

I walked by a cowboy hat store.

I grew up in New England and I've lived in New York City for many years.

To me, a cowboy hat store, that's a Halloween store.

I was putting on hats. I was like, "I'm a fucking idiot, woo!"

I looked over. Two real cowboys, staring at me. They were pissed.

I felt terrible. It's like if they came to New York and put on glasses,

and were like, "Ooh, I'm nervous!" That'd hurt my feelings.

I'm not making fun of cowboy hats. They keep the sun off your shoulders

and progressive ideas out of your head. They're good for that.

I don't have a cowboy hat look. Some people can pull it off.

A lot of guys look sexy. You need a strong jawline and shoulders.

You gotta own it.

I don't have the look.

Even if I had boots and a mustache,

I don't look like a cowboy. I look like a gay man whose boyfriend's into cowboys.

And then I dressed up for his birthday.

Something special for my man on his big day.

If I walk around with a cowboy hat, no one's like, "Look at that cowboy,"

they're like, "Look at that prostitute."

I'm like, "G'day, mate." Like, "That's not the right accent."

I'm like, "Well, it's my first day. Who wants sex for money? Anybody?"

My buddy had a great idea. We were going to the movies.

"We should sneak our own candy. That's a classic move."

Save a few bucks. Know what you need, though?

The confidence to sneak your own candy into the theater.

And I do not have it.

I got too anxious. I got so nervous, I folded immediately. I was like,

"I'll have two tickets to Snickers taped to my leg. Fuck me!"

Went home and ate a candy bar with leg hair all over it.

For some reason, I unwrapped it before I taped it to my leg. Not sure.

Movie candy's expensive. I don't mind. I have the money.

To be honest, I think it turns me on a bit, sexually.

Sounds weird, but they're taking advantage of us so bad,

that it feels kind of dirty, you know?

I'm like, "I'll have M&M's." They're like, "It's seven bucks."

I'm like, "Yeah, it is!

Here's 20. Squirt some of that fake hot butter on my chest, and...

call me a bitch." They're like, "What?"

"You heard me. Gimme a Coke and dump it on my head! I wanna be sticky!"

They're like, "Sir, relax." "All right, well..."

Figure I'm getting fucked, why not enjoy it, make them uncomfortable?

I'm trying to relax more.

I go to the gym. That's a good way to relax. I lift weights.

It's hard to tell. I'm wearing long sleeves.

My favorite part of lifting weights is that break between sets

where you check your phone and go home for a couple weeks. I'm enjoying that.

Gonna be back in a few days. I got some more reps to crank out.

I don't like my gym, though. My gym's all bodybuilders. No offense.

I'm scanning the crowd. I feel I'm safe to talk about bodybuilders here.

I don't like the term. It's too exclusive.

Technically, we're all bodybuilders.

Just some of us are building shittier bodies than other people.

I saw a guy the other day, he was huge, like too big.

Like, "You're not supposed to be that big."

He was lifting weights in a way I've never seen before.

He had a thing around his head. There was a cord attached to weights,

and he was lifting the weights...

And he was screaming, like...

I think we have different fitness goals.

I was on the elliptical. I was like, "That guy's a danger to society. What?"

If you get to the neck portion of your workout,

you can go, clock out, head home,

and hug your dad for the first time in your life.

Don't need to work your neck. Not since I turned one

have I thought I need to strengthen my neck a bit.

The first couple months of my life,

I was like, "This isn't gonna be strong enough. I can't-- I need help."

Then it just locked right into place. Look. I can just--

And I got a five -head! I can swing the whole thing right around.

He was screaming. I don't like the guys that yell at the gym.

I feel like you need fiber more than you need a workout!

They're always in the free weights. That's where you see the yellers.

It's never a guy on the exercise bike reading People magazine, like...

It's not necessary.

Don't need to yell. The loudest noise I ever made at the gym is...

Right around there.

One time I yelled for help. It was a little more understandable.

True story. I dropped some weight on my chest.

I didn't see the 1 in front of the 30. It was more than I realized.

I dropped it on my chest and...

Luckily, the neck guy came over. He scooped it right up.

I said, "Oh, my god, thank you. I appreciate that."

Oh, thanks.

I like to work out my chest. That's a sexy muscle. Ladies, is that?

I got a good chest? Yeah?

No? Some women aren't into chest.

I don't know any women that are into neck.

I never met... one woman my whole life

who was like, "I like a guy with a sense of humor and a big thick neck."

I was on the bench press, doing a little low weight, low rep. And then...

Thank you. Believe it or not, that's the best that joke has done ever.

The neck guy came over. He was like,

"Hey, bro, mind if we alternate sets?"

I was like, "You can just take the machine.

You can also take my wallet and all my money if you'd like to.

You have a six-pack on your Adam's apple. It's the scariest thing I've ever seen."

Sometimes people alternate, working on a specific muscle.

"What are you working on, bro?"

I'm like, "I'm working on a comedy routine about you.

I don't need any of these machines.

I'm just jotting down your psychotic lifestyle

and then reporting it back to strangers for their enjoyment."

So alternating sets, that's when, while you're lifting weights, a man will stand