M*A*S*H

Yes, sir. Mildred says it's the first one on the block.

Made by the DuMont folks.

Comes in a handsome wood cabinet

with little saloon doors.

Peg and I just love television.

We'd cuddle up and smooch while we watched.

One night we got so carried away,

we almost fell through the store window.

Television is just

a passing fad, a toy.

The only time I ever switched on a receiver

I was confronted with a smiling,

singing seltzer pill named Speedy.

Phooey on you.

Imagine being able to see what Jack Benny really looks like.

According to Mildred, he's four inches high

with a ripple in his middle

and a little ghost that stands right next to him.

Salutations, burners of the midnight oil.

We've got a customer.

Over here, Klinger.

I'm all dressed up with no place to sew.

You're about to patch up Sergeant Michael Yee.

His buddies in pre‐op say he's a bona fide decorated hero.

I read about him in Stars and Stripes.

He's seen a lot of action.

Look at all those scars.

He's a V. I. P., all right.

A very injured person.

Klinger, what the devil's

in that enormous crate in your office?

Oh, it caught the colonel's eye?

It damn near caught the colonel's toe.

I strongly recommend

you ship that receptacle out of tripping range.

‐Capisce? ‐Ah, fret not, hostile honcho.

That crate contains boundless wonders

from the four corners of Toledo.

‐Klinger, have you seen‐‐ ‐(hammering)

Great balls of fire!

Klinger!

Colonel, thank goodness you're here.

Could you give me a nail?

You wouldn't like where I'd put it.

Why does my company clerk's office

look like Polly Adler's parlor?

Sir, these are treasures of my civilian world.

My mom sent me a few things from my room.

Made you sleep in the attic, did she?

What, pray tell, is this?

Shanklish cheese, sir.

Sort of a Lebanese Limburger. Aromatic, isn't it?

Makes the whole office smell like feet.

Am I to take it the colonel is displeased with the decor?

Bull's‐eye, Corporal.

Now, take these Arabian... nightmares...

and put 'em where they belong‐‐in the minefield.

Sir, you would destroy my family's precious heirlooms?

My father's trophy.

Three times Bowler of the Year, at the height of the Depression.

My uncle Hakim was married under this lamp, twice!

And look, with my Aunt Fatima's rug,

I made a private room.

If you don't take it down,

this is going to be a private's room.

With all due respect, sir,

I think most people would find these homey touches

quite refreshing and beautiful.

Corporal, I could order you

to clear out the Harem Home Furnishings,

but let's let democracy ring.

Go corral a couple of your favorite doctors

for a second opinion.

They were so close, I could hear 'em breathing.

Mmm.

So I threw a grenade and took off.

Half hour later, I ran into a platoon of G. I. s

digging in for the night.

I told the second looey he had two divisions coming at him

and, if he stayed there, he was gonna be overrun.

‐He must have been very grateful. ‐(chuckles)

He looks me over, points his weapon at me,

and says, "Who won the World Series in '50?"

‐He thought you were a spy. ‐Oh, you're not kidding.

I had to go through the whole story on how the Yankees

clobbered the Whiz Kids in four straight.

‐How awful. ‐I know. I'm a Phillies fan.

I'm not up on baseball myself,

although I am partial to the Cardinals.

‐Oh, Father. ‐(laughing)

Hey, what's going on here?

This man's supposed to stay off his funny bone for a week.

Pierce, I'm glad you're here.

Sergeant Yee's been asking for you all morning.

Yeah, Doc. You gotta get me out of here.

‐My unit's moving up again. ‐What's your hurry?

We just did a major repair job on your leg.

You don't want to run off while you're still under warranty.

Come on, Doc. You gotta get me back on the line.

The only fighting you're gonna be doing

is for a window seat on the plane home.

‐Home? ‐Yeah, you remember.

Where the buffalo roam?

Where taps are those little things

Shirley Temple wears on her shoes.

Home.

Wow, I gotta let that sink in.

Well, let it sink. You're on your way.

Sir and madam sir. There's an impromptu meeting

of the entire staff in my office.

We had a staff meeting yesterday.

Important new business. Let's go.

Well! Huh?

What do you think?

You said this was a staff meeting, not a rummage sale.

You've got everything here but a statue with a clock in its stomach.

Klinger‐‐(clears throat) looking at these treasures,

I now understand why Toledo is kept in Ohio.

These are treasures! That's a genuine Persian rug.

You rich people use 'em in your houses.

Not as walls.

Will you also be laying some paintings on the floor?

Klinger, you've outdone yourself.

There's not one thing here that belongs on a military base.

‐Unless you're with a unit of fighting grandmothers. ‐(laughs)

‐Of course, the cheese does have killing capabilities. ‐Oh, yeah.

Son, looks like all the votes are in.

Heirlooms 1, garbage 5.

Oh, I get it. I get it.

I'm over here fighting for democracy

for everybody but me.

‐Aww. ‐You have chintz curtains.

‐But‐‐ ‐And you two guys have a distillery.

And you have a red velvet pillow.

And you, sir, have a saddle

‐and a painting of a thumb. ‐Oh!

None of that stuff will vault you

into the pages of Better Homes and Gardens.

Well, this is my room.

Why can't I put up my own personal tchotchkes?

Because this is also our reception room.

Folks get their first impression from what they see here,

and I don't want 'em thinking this is a weekend retreat

for Ali Baba and the missus.

‐But, Colonel‐‐ ‐Thank you, ladies and gentlemen of the jury.

The defendant is found guilty

of littering and second‐degree eye‐slaughter.

Actually, this place does look kind of chic and Arab‐y.

Thanks a lot, pals!

Now, look, son, you've had your little fling.

You've got one hour to crate up these carny prizes.

Sir, this took me all night to put 'em up.

How can I take 'em down in an hour?

Rub this.

‐ Uh, uh‐‐ ‐ Knock‐knock.

You're back? Some late‐breaking bon mots at my expense?

‐No. ‐We wanted to make sure

you didn't take this too seriously.

It was all in good fun, if not in good taste.

Sure, sure.

You're not gonna stew about this, are you?

Nah. There's an old Arabic saying:

He who lives in a tent

knows that all things blow over. Right?

Yeah, yeah. Okay. Okay.

I love your place, really. Really.

There's another old Arabic saying:

When the going gets tough, the nomad gets going.

Sparky? Klinger. Don't ask.

Listen, Spark, I need some help

filling out a set of discharge papers.

I'll tell you who's getting sprung‐‐

the only friend I got in this camp.

‐Now, watch this. ‐Yeah.

‐Did I hit one? ‐No, but we have a new peephole.

Watch this shot. I saw it in a rodeo once.

Wait! Wait a minute! Geez!

‐All right. ‐Uh‐huh.

‐One, two... ‐Uh‐huh.

‐Three. ‐(screaming)

What in the hell? You behemoth!

Look what you've done!

You've broken the bulb in my reading lamp!

Oh, what a shame. You'll have to wait till sunup

to find out if the Little Engine could.

Captain Pierce, Colonel Potter needs you in post‐op.

‐What's up? ‐It's Sergeant Yee. Hurry!

I thought everybody was asleep, and then I heard a crash.

He broke his water glass, and by the time I got to him,

he'd already slashed his wrists.

Pretty deep too. Could be tendon damage.

Geez, he pulled out all my sutures.

He doesn't just need stitching, he needs reweaving.

Let's get him into O. R.

I don't understand.

Why would a man like that try to commit suicide?

Sherman...

T. Potter.

Sherman...

T. Potter.