Review

Life... it's literally all we have.

But is it any good?

I'm a reviewer, but I don't review food, books, or movies.

I review life itself.

Viva la revolucion!

Hello, and welcome to review.

I'm Forrest MacNeil, and tonight we shall continue

our exploration of the adventure that is life.

Whatever experience you're curious about,

I will do it and review it.

And I'm not alone. I've been paired with a co-host.

Here to field your inquiries is A.J. Gibbs.

You ready, Forrest?

I am ready. Let's go!

Okay!

From Angela in Seattle, Washington, D.C.

- Uh, well... - Hello, Forrest, how are you?

We bought our house from the estate of a couple

who committed suicide, and in the attic,

we found this videotape of them having sex.

I guess my question is,

why would anyone film themselves doing that?

Thank you for your time.

A very polite young lady.

Hmm, who wants to know what it's like

to make a sexually explicit videotape.

Don't tell me you've never done that before, Forrest, okay?

The most buttoned-up guys... they are always the freakiest.

No, no, my wife and I have...

Never done anything like that, but I suppose we're about to.

- Word of advice? - Yes.

Don't forget to take the lens cap off the camera,

otherwise you may find

that you're having sex with your wife for no reason.

Yes, thank you. That's helpful.

The sex tape...

let's find out what that's all about.

This review would require me to test

the limits of my inhibitions in the interest of humanity,

and there was no time for sit-ups.

To understand the hows and whys of the sex tape,

I asked my intern to compile the essentials of the genre.

So, uh, One Night in Paris.

This is kind of like the Apocalypse Now

of celebrity sex tapes.

Then you've got Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee,

which is kind of like the Citizen Kane, I guess?

Wait, wait. Turn on your filter light.

In short order, the how was clear enough...

dirty talk and confusing sexual positions...

but the why remained elusive.

That is disgusting.

There's a very good reason

that most people have sex in the dark.

It feels better than it looks.

Thank you, Lucille. Oh.

- Take it! - Rob Lowe, huh?

It simply didn't make sense to me.

Just breaks my heart how... Can we not talk?

I really just want to focus on this.

Oh, yeah.

Okay.

In order to understand the appeal of making a sex tape,

I was going to need the assistance of a willing partner.

- Have you outdone yourself? - I think I have outdone myself.

Ask me why I made my specialty tonight.

Why did you make your specialty tonight, honey?

Well, just for the Halibut.

- That's a lot of fun. - That is a lot of fun.

- To us. - To us. Mm.

Hey, listen, I told Eric that he should stay over

at Clayton's house tonight. Oh, okay.

I have a shopping list for you, if you don't mind.

Shopping list? No, no, no.

No, I thought we might do something

a little more interesting with our alone time.

- Oh, okay, I get it, yeah. - Uh-huh, yeah.

- In fact, I thought we might... - Oh, all right.

Mix it up a little bit tonight.

- What were you thinking? - I was thinking we might

document the proceedings "ce soir"...

tonight. What do you mean?

How... how would we...

I bought a video camera, and I thought we could...

Ugh! You want to make a sex tape?

- Yeah! - No, gross!

Why?

What are you, a freshman in college?

No, no, no. What if people saw it?

- What if Eric found it? - No, don't

sweetheart, we'll make sure Eric doesn't see it

until long after we're dead. No, that is not

I can't even believe you would want to do...

that's not like you.

- It's creepy. - I'm very surprised

by this reaction of yours.

I thought you might think it would be kind of fun.

- Man, Forrest. - I think it would be fun.

You were so close, you know? You were on the green!

All you had to do was just putt it.

That's exactly what I was doing.

No, you shanked it right into the woods!

Thanks for nothing, all right?

Well, think about it.

I thought about it. No.

I'd never even considered being unfaithful to Suzanne.

She is my best friend and confidante,

my partner in life.

Though horrified and scandalized by the very thought of it,

I would have to make my tape...

Say hello to your folks. Bye.

Without Suzanne.

Her name was Katrina series 3,

a $4,000, state-of-the-art, synthetic sex doll.

She was made of latex rubber built around

a highly pose-able skeleton,

and she featured what I was assured

was a very lifelike, five-speed, vibrating vagina.

You ready?

If Katrina had any qualms about appearing

in a sex tape with me,

she kept them to herself.

This feels weird for me too.

Katrina's alluring titanium infrastructure gave her

a weight of over 100 pounds, an obvious design flaw,

since there's no possible way I'm the most out-of-shape person

who owns one of these.

But somehow, she and I would find a way to ecstasy.

I am not proud of what you are about to see.

Hello, and welcome to my sex tape.

Hello, and welcome to my sex tape.

All right.

I wasted no time in putting my sex-tape research to work,

Your eyes are... are just, uh...

I want you to know, uh...

This doesn't always go well for me.

This doesn't feel right. Oh, God!

This leg is all the way... all the way back.

This is nearly impossible!

I had been feeling self-counscious but

sex tapes are supposed to look ugly. That adds to the hot factor.

Oh, no.

Sorry about that, my darling.

Oh, God.

- Yeah, MacNeil residence. - Oh, hey, Forrest.

Oh, hi, Suzanne. Yes, hello.

I thought for a second I might have left the oven on.

No. Well, say hello to your parents.

Okay.

Love you. I'll see you in the morning.

That was a work thing.

Eventually, my physical pleasure and the speed

of Katrina's vagina intensified,

and my awareness of the camera fell away completely.

And then my awareness

of everything fell away, as I surrendered to the heavy sleep

of the sexually satisfied man.

I had overcome great fears to make what I hoped

was the Titanic of sex tapes.

Forrest?

Did you drink a half a bottle of my brandy?

- Oh, Suzanne. - Oh, my God!

That is nobody. That is literally nobody.

- How could you do this to us? - No, I'm serious,

that's nobody. What's going on?

Oh, my God, Eric, go to Clayton's house, okay?

- Daddy is very sick. - I hate this family!

Look, look, look, look, look.

- Oh, my God, it's just a doll. - It's just a doll.

What...

That's why it smells like burning sneaker in here.

- I know. - Open a window.

Okay, sorry, look...

What did you think you were doing?

Oh, God.

Forrest, if I had known you were so determined

to make a sex video,

I would... I would have done it.

If you need to do this kind of weird ,

then I want to be involved.

- Okay, I don't want to judge. - Really?

I'll betcha it would be even better with you than it was...

You "betcha"?

I... well, I... no, it... yeah. No, obviously it would.

Of course it would. Of course it would.

Whatever trepidations I might have had about filming it,

the footage of me shoehorning myself into that rubber lady

has somehow become a reliable source

of foreplay in our household.

So, if the point of making a sex tape

is to spice up your sex life,

I have to say... it worked.

"Making a sex tape"... four stars.

On to our next review.

Ooh, our next review came to us in an email...

From "Toomuchtanya2000",

oh, in Madison, Wisconsin.

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