Esther Povitsky: Hot for My Name

- You guys, I gotta take a picture of this.

Let her take a picture.

- I've been wanting a banana split for how many years?

- Could that be your new friend?

Yes, it is.

- Don't you know? It's a famous thing.

If someone is a comedian,

then they came from rough-- you know?

Something bad, you know, 'cause you need to go onstage

and get attention from a big group of people.

That means that something's wrong with you,

'cause most people can just have a normal life, but not me.

I need to go onstage, and prove, and get attention,

and have people like me.

And that is because of something you guys did.

- Holy cow! That is such horseshit.

I've never heard such horseshit in my life.

Not everybody who needs attention

comes from a bad upbringing.

- Upbringing. - Not everybody.

No. It's everybody,

and then there's people that will lie about it,

but I'm not gonna lie.

I'd suggest you clarify it.

- My full name is Esther Povitsky.

Rawr.

And when I first started doing stand-up, someone asked me

if I was gonna change my name for the stage,

and I said no.

I thought about it, but I like Povitsky.

It's unique, and then he said, "No. We meant Esther."

And I was like, "Oh, right. I forgot.

Both my names are ugly."

I don't just sound like a Polish cabbage farmer.

I sound like a very old Polish cabbage farmer.

Whatever. I'm hot...

for my name.

You know that's true. Okay. When they say Esther Povitsky,

and I walk out, you're like, "Okay."

But literally, if someone was like,

"This is my friend Ashley," you'd be like, "Ew."

"Why is Adam Driver's little brother wearing that skirt?"

- There you were onstage, and I didn't think

that you were in anything else that I saw.

Your dance--

Your dance was, like, horrible.

I mean, I couldn't sit through it.

You know, that modern dance. - Yeah.

- Esther, what do you got-- oh, that's--oh, a shadow.

I thought you had something under your nose.

- What? - I guess it's a shadow.

Okay. Sorry.

You never had the lead.

If you had the lead, I'm gonna go.

But why didn't I go to that one?

What was it? Mar?

- I did stand-up in Canada last weekend.

Is anyone here from Canada?

Yeah, 'cause why would you be here?

It's crazy to me that Canada has universal healthcare.

It's free. They have free healthcare for everybody.

As an American brat, like,

I can't wrap my head around that concept,

because I am a hypochondriac, and I--

like, why wouldn't I want to spend all day

with a rich, hot doctor?

Medical attention is still a form of attention.

What is to stop me from stabbing myself in the stomach

and being like, "It's your problem now, babe?"

I hate the word horny.

I really hate that word.

It's creepy, and it makes me uncomfortable.

It's not hot. Like, if someone asks me,

"Are you horny?" I'd be like,

"I was until you said that.

Now I'm scared."

I say something different though.

Instead of horny, I say hot and ready.

Yeah, because it conveys the same message, right?

And it also makes it sound like I might be a slice of pizza.

And I do feel that having sex with me

is a little bit like having sex with a slice of pizza,

'cause I just lie there,

and you can blot the grease off with a napkin.

Now, I don't want to just lie there.

I really don't, okay, but then we can't have sex after dinner.

My stomach hurts.

If you want me to move for you during sex,

it's gotta be at 11:00 a.m., actually.

At 11:00 a.m. I'm so skinny and pretty, okay?

My makeup is fresh. I've digested my breakfast.

I've shit from my coffee.

I can move at 11:00,

but after dinner, I'm gonna lie there.

But I'm gonna be confident about it, and I sell it, okay?

I'm just like--

And I talk, you know?

I talk, to make it good.

I say stuff, and I say good stuff, you know?

Not just like, "I'm stressed about work."

I have been told

that the things I say in bed sound fake,

and I'm just like,

"Yeah, because they're fake."

What?

Did you really think I "needed your dick?"

No, no, no. Oh, my God. No.

I said that 'cause you bought me sushi,

and I was being polite.

I once had a guy tell me that I was the kind of girl

you have sex with in your car, but not your house.

I was like, "Thank you, officer."

For real though, when you look like me,

you tend to date guys

who have really strong feelings about magic,

and if I can pretend to like magic for one night,

aren't I the greatest magician of all?

Magic has always been the perfect subject for me

to pretend I either like it or dislike it.

Like, I used to pretend to like sports.

Guys, girls don't like sports, okay?

And if you meet a girl, and she likes sports,

it's just 'cause her dad really wanted a son.

I've seen girls talk to guys, and they're like,

"Hey, did you see LeBron scored a double triple?"

And I just want to walk up to them and be like,

"You're beautiful.

You don't have to do this.

Come with me. Let's go to Sephora."

Maybe I should start my own magazine.

- No. Write a book. Think about it.

You know how to write. You're a good writer.

- Do you think I'm a good reader?

- Reader? Yeah. I think you're a great reader.

- Why are you laughing? - 'Cause you bought up

that book that you never read.

- Don't bring that up. - Okay. Come on.

I want to show you these different books.

I saw Amy Schumer.

- Oh, yeah. I see Judd Apatow, Ellie Kemper, Norm Macdonald.

- Every one of these guys is stand-up.

Bog Saget. You can write a book.

For you, it might be a comic book.

I wish I could read.

I really do. I try to read.

I buy books.

I open books, and then I black out,

and I'm on Instagram, and I don't know what happened.

I'm like, why does "Gone Girl"

have a chapter called #SummerHairStyles?"

I like Instagram.

I have a lot of friends who don't like it.

They say it makes them feel insecure, and I'm like,

guys, just unfollow the hot people.

You'll be fine.

That's what I did.

I wake up. I look at my Instagram feed.

I feel so good about my life.

Who do I follow? I follow a lizard.

I follow a bakery.

I follow a bird with no hair.

I follow this woman that makes tiny replicas of food,

like, little eggs, and little hash browns

and stuff, and she's never posted a photo of herself,

but I know I have to be prettier than her.

I also like Instagram, 'cause I can meet someone new

and then instantly learn all about their life, okay?

I can see who their friends are.

Where do they like to go out to eat?

Do they have a dog? What do they wear to the beach?

There is something I don't want to see on your Instagram,

and that is a paragraph about your mental illness.

I'll see the photos.

I'll put it together myself.

Yeah.

Don't hand it to me.

I want to play Instagram detective at home.

So this whole thing is--

the reason we're in this

is because you want to show people why you're so neurotic?

Because of your upbringing,right?

- Well, I didn't say I was neurotic.

- Well, what are you? You seem to be--

- I'm too scared to ride a bike or swim.

I'm pretty needy. - We're going back to this.

- You're needy. All right, but--

- Some people say that. - Why--

What do you attribute your tenaciousness to,

where you stick to it, and you--

Oh, that's easy.

It's that, unlike some people who where their parents said,

"Oh, you're so good. You're so good."

For me, right at an early age, you guys told me

I was bad at stuff, so that was not new to me.

That would never discourage me when I went out in the world

and someone said, "No. You're bad."

That really just fell right off me,

because I was so used to hearing it from a young age,

by my parents.

From my parents.