Melissa & Joey

"Melissa & Joey" is recorded in front of a live studio audience.

It's a no-go, Theresa!

Yeah, look, I love Nona as well. She's my Grandmother too!

Look, if there was a way I could do it, I'd do it!

Yeah, you too!

Jeez, why are you so mad at your sister?

I'm not mad at her. That's New Jersey for "I love you".

Wow, so how do you tell if someone angry?

The police show up.

I am upset though.

My Grandmother Sofia is failing.

Next week is her birthday and it's probably going to be her last.

And all she wants is to see me and Tiffany together.

- One final time. - Why does she want to see your ex-wife?

I kinda never told her that we got divorced.

- So you lied to her. - Hey, I was protecting her!

Why can't you people see that?!

Joe, we're simple Ohio people. No yelling is required.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Once I let the Jersey out, it's very hard to walk it back.

- Joe, have some Guava juice. - Thank you, man, thank you.

So when you go back there to see her, what're you going to say?

"Happy 99th birthday, Nona. I'm divorced".

I might as well just plunge a knife into her congested old heart.

Hey, why don't you just ask Tiffany to go with you

you can pretend you're married for a couple hours?

That is the stupidest idea I ever heard and I already tried that.

Want to know what's funny though?

I don't really want to ask any more questions.

My Nona's eyesight's so bad she probably wouldn't

know the difference between Tiffany and a wall.

I mean, you know, if the wall was, like, stacked.

And wore a leopard-print skirt and a lot of make-up.

Honestly, any blonde like that would probably do.

Hello, people of my kitchen!

I was shoe shopping. Check out the latest in Stiletto heels.

Now be honest, everyone. Do these make me look too trashy?

I'd say just trashy enough.

Come on, it's two days out of your life! Everyone else'll know the truth.

All you'll have to fool is my Grandmother.

The whole idea is ridiculous! Nobody would believe me as Tiffany.

I'm way too classy!

It's a dying woman's last request!

Don't guilt trip me.

And what are you getting so mad about anyway?

What? This is a conversational tone in New Jersey.

Come on, Aunt Mel, all four of us can go.

It'll be like cultural anthropology...

You know, observe the Longos in their natural habitat.

- Don't you have prom? - I decided not to go.

Zander and I are in a pre-college separation. It's a pause.

And no, I don't want to talk about it.

A trip to Jersey? I'm in.

- Boy, do I need to get out of this house. - What's wrong with this house?

Home schooling is not the amusement-park ride it's cracked up to be.

You know how many tiles are on that wall?

4,076.

Go ahead, count 'em.

You know what, guys?

I appreciate the fact that you'd be willing to go.

It shows really really great character.

But unfortunately without Tiffany the whole trip is a lost cause.

Let me say it to you in Jersey. I ain't going!

All right, look, I've met your ex-wife.

I just don't see myself being able to pull that off.

That whole little girl act? It's not me.

All right, fine. Guess I was asking too much.

I'll just make the trip myself and I'll tell her I'm divorced

and she'll just have to live with it.

Or I guess... die with it.

All right, look, I know you think I'm being selfish, but you're wrong.

Who wants to see the other shoes I bought?

Yes yes, Nona!

It's Joey.

Yeah, absolutely.

I'm gonna be there Saturday. I wouldn't miss it.

N... no no.

Tiffany's not gonna be able to make it.

No no... no no, hey hey, don't...

Don't... don't cry, Nona. No no, it's really not good for your heart.

It's just... no!

No, my wife loves you.

More than she loves me, I can say that honestly.

- It's just that... no, hey! - What is that boy telling you?

Of course I'm coming, Nona! No, JoeJoeBee is just being a Silly Willy.

But I love him oodles and oodles and oodles.

I'll see you Saturday. Mwah mwah mwah!

How was that?

Pretty much dead on.

- Are you really gonna do this for me? - Yeah, I can't believe it either.

She better really be dying or I'm going to be pissed.

_.

Welcome to Moller Street, everybody!

This is the Via Veneto of Secaucus!

Literally the highest concentration of Longos on the eastern seaboard.

So the whole Longo mob lives here, huh?

Hey, yo yo yo, we don't use the "M" word in this neighborhood, all right?

What, Mafia?

What's up, Mr. Spizeri? How you doing?

All right, yeah!

So how's my beautiful wife doing in there, huh?

Ugh! Just adjusting my Golden Globes.

Are they symmetrical?

May I?

Yeah, go for it. I can't feel a thing. This is all push-up and padding.

It's identical twins, right, guys?

Jo-eeeey!

Mom, hey!

Are you even more handsome than you were the last time?

I think so.

- That's my boy. That's my boy. - Both: Mwah mwah!

And here's the family.

Is this the Mel Burke?

This is Mel Burke.

This is Tiffany.

Got it. And these are the kids with the weird names?

Yeah, this is Lennox, that there is Ryder, this is my mother.

- Hi. - How's it going?

- Hey, how's Nona doing? - Fantastic!

Considering she's at death's door...

Hold on. That's how you're walking?

It's worked my whole life.

No. Anybody can see it's not Tiffany.

Much too lady-like.

You gotta work it like a skanky debutante.

Tramp, slut, tramp, slut, tramp, slut, tramp,

slut, tramp, slut slut, tramp tramp, slut slut...

Mom, mom. We get it. We get it. The whole neighborhood gets it.

Come on, guys.

Shh shh shh!

- Okay okay. - Yo, big sis!

Shh, Joey! Nona's sleeping.

Thank God the doctors still let us give her wine.

- Uncle Joe! - Hey.

How was the drive? Did you take the parkway?

No, I-95. 65 miles per the whole way, no tolls.

That is genius.

We'll let the historians judge, know what I mean?

Yeah, guys, this is my nephew Marco.

Marco, meet Ryder and that there is Lennox.

Lennox? That's not a Moller-street name.

It's Scottish. It means "with many Elm trees".

I don't know any Elm trees, but I bet I'd like 'em.

So do we just stand here until she wakes up or...

- Doesn't wake up? - Let her sleep.

We'll get you folks fed, especially the skinny boy.

- Come on. - All right, the skinny boy!

I already have a street name.

Hey, Nona! Hey, it's me... Joey!

Joey!

Oh, and is that Tiffany?

Who else would it be?

Oh oh.

What are you...

It's...

- It's really you! -

Oh, my Tiffany!

And you, Joey!

- Ma familia! - Hey!

We're in.

99 years old tomorrow, wow!

What are you going to get her?

Soft food.

So, Lennox, girl of the Elms...

- Listen... - I have a boyfriend. Thank you.

And I'm sure he's a great guy.

I was just gonna offer to show you around the neighborhood.

There might be a body floating down the river.

I'm kidding. They fished it out last week.

Well, I am very curious about New Jersey...

Its ways and customs, your cultural mores.

Hey, there's a brand-new dollar store that just opened up.

You can buy a pack of "AA" batteries for a buck.

Well, what are we waiting for?

Hey, Marco! Stop flirting and get Nona a fresh pillowcase.

I'm on it, ma.

So what do you mean you have a boyfriend?

Aren't you and Zander on a whole pre-college trial-separation "pause" thing?

Yes. However, I am utterly uninterested in someone like Marco,

so I lied and said I was taken.

All girls say that to guys they don't like.

They do?

That explains so much.

Joey...

That was the first time your Grandmother has been on her feet in a week.

And you know why?

You. She saw "Tiffany"...

And it gave her the will to live.

Ha! And you didn't think I could pull this off.

No, that was you. I begged you to do it.

- Let it go. - I will say this...

She is a big improvement over the original blow-up doll.

Mel Burke, you are obviously a very giving and selfless person.

See, she gets me.

Hey, Gloria, do you have any more of that capa...

Capa meat stuff?

Capicola. Capicola.

Capicola. Capicola.

Say it.

- Capicola? - He's Italian!

And so handsome.