Postal (Postal: The Movie) (Postal)

Congratulations, Nabi.

We are at the doorstep of our martyrdom.

Praise Allah.

Praise him!

Soon we will be greeted by Allah, the one true god,

and by the cheers of our forefathers

and by 99 perfect virgins

who will worship us for all eternity!

I thought it was 100.

What's that?

100 virgins... They promised me 100.

99, 100... What's the difference?

If they're telling you one thing and they're telling me another,

maybe they don't know for sure.

Maybe.

Maybe the exact number of virgins is not precise.

I mean, if it's in the 90s, I can live with that.

Or 75.

Hey, I'm not greedy, but what if it's 10?

Well...

What if it's 10, but we have to split them between us?

Then you'll have five more virgins

than you have right now, right?

We're talking about eternity here!

How long will five virgins last you... maybe a month?

They're not going to be virgins for long, right?

Look, would it make you feel better

if we called the big guy?

Yes.

- Take the stick. - Okay.

It's ringing.

Osama, yes, it's Asif.

No, we're on it.

It was fine, but security takes forever, you know?

What are you going to do?

Anyway, look, Nabi has a question.

Will you talk to him?

No!

You do it!

Hello!

Yes.

Uh, it's about the virgins.

Really?

It was 100 when I signed up.

He said it's not that many anymore.

Too many martyrs in the first go-around.

You've got to be kidding me. Does he know where we are here?

Give me the phone.

Take the stick.

Osama, it's Asif.

Right now, can you tell me the number, absolutely,

that you can guarantee Nabi and myself,

as far as virgins are concerned?

No, that's fine.

Do it!

Come on, man!

He can't guarantee more than 20.

Open the goddamn door, you bastards!

We're gonna fucking kill you, you motherfucker!

Lying pieces of shit!

- Open the door! - Open this fucker!

Screw this, right?

I'm glad you said it first.

Okay, get on the intercom to the passengers.

We are changing course for the Bahamas.

Bahamas!

We're going to the Bahamas!

...in response to the epidemic of border crossing

Arizona governor Custon in cooperation with the NRA

announced a revolutionary new weapon in the war on immigration

The newly installed immigration disincentive devices, or IDD's,

can fire up to 200 rounds of armor-piercing ammunition in under 10 seconds

making Arizona's southern border among the nations safest.

Liberal judges in Massachusetts

have again expanded the definition of marriage,

this time to include any union between a man and a woman,

a man and a man, a woman and a woman,

a man and a collie,

or a woman, a polish sausage, and a long weekend.

...the standoff with Mr. Cruise

has now stretched into its eighth day.

Cruise continues to insist that police are violating

his parental and religious freedoms,

citing human sacrifice as essential...

Today on "Good Morning Paradise,"

mayoral candidate Eugene Wells

joins us to talk about the new political landscape,

and the newest toy craze of the year...

Krotchy dolls.

Stay tuned. It's gonna be a super-dupe show.

Turn down that fucking TV!

I can't hear my show.

Yeah, nothing's good on anyway.

Just, uh, preparing for my interview.

Fight!

Aw, you fight like a pussy.

No one's gonna hire your sorry ass.

Why don't you go suck up to your Uncle Dave already?

God damn it!

What the hell is going on out there?!

Nothing.

Make sure you pick up that welfare check!

Kiss, kiss, sweetie pie...

Come on!

Come on!

No.

Bad boy. Bad boy.

I told you: No poopies in our yard.

No poopies in this yard.

You only poop in the next-door neighbor's yard.

Feces in the yard.

That's a violation

of trailer-park ordinance number 101-40.

Stop eating the poop.

I'll add that to the list.

The list?

The list. Great. The list. What else?

What else you got on the list?

Ordinance number 143-11.

Yesterday around lunchtime.

Now, I don't care what you two do in your own bedroom,

but ordinance number 143-11

says if I hear your lewd lovemaking after 10:00 A.M.,

I get to file a grievance against your sorry ass,

which is exactly what I'm gonna do!

Oh. Oh. Oh, okay.

Well, at least I wasn't boning my sister, you inbred hick.

Oh, for your information, hillbilly,

I wasn't even here yesterday afternoon.

I hate this town.

- Matt! - Whatever!

This fucking sucks.

Morning folks!

Eugene Welles. Running for mayor, folks.

Like to share a few facts with you.

The world's leading producer of child pornography

is located in the basement of the Pentagon.

The big three television networks

are all owned and operated by a right-wing church in Atlanta.

One in every ten people in America

- ...is on the payroll of the CIA. - Bullshit.

How could these things happen in a freedom loving country you ask?

Because we have become a nation of sheep.

But I am here to give America a new direction.

And a new political party.

The party of Fuck You!

Damn right!

Hey, hello?

You, professor.

What is this, a reading library?

Yeah, yeah. Two minutes, buddy.

Ah, no "two minutes" now.

You buy now, or bye-bye.

Bye-dee now now.

Ah, go on, bye-bye. Go on.

Bye-bye. You bye-bye.

- Goodbye. Goodbye. - Hey.

Don't let the door hit you on the way out.

Daddy, Mohammed says he needs to talk to you again.

What about?

What else?

Okay, so, what did she say about me exactly?

That slut.

My brother.

Any police come around today? Anything suspicious?

No, nothing, Mohammed.

Trust me...

you are safely hidden here for as long as you want.

Well, that may not be for much longer.

Oh?

We have news from Afghanistan.

News? Oh.

It is all coming together.

The shipment left three days ago.

Oh.

Praise Allah.

When, uh, will be it here?

Tomorrow!

The time has come for us to place our swords

to the genitals of the infidels.

I see you noticed the heads...

Motivational.

Those are every fucking bastard

that I had to climb over to get this job.

Jesus.

Foul. They're paper-mache.

They're... He thought they were real.

Sit down.

Let's get started.

So, I hope you don't mi...

I hope you don't mind the recording.

Uh, we're gonna use it as training later.

Ready?

Uh, yeah, yeah. It's good.

What the fuck is wrong with you?

It's, uh... The chair is actually...

All right, we're on a time clock,

So let's get started, shall we?

Yes, sir.

Good.