M*A*S*H

MAN (on P. A.): Waltz a little faster, folks.

New shipment of wounded in 15 minutes.

Haven't had wounded

for at least half an hour.

What is this? Anyway?

We better take shifts.

Margaret, why don't you grab a nap?

I think I'd better.

‐There's this little rest‐‐ ‐(wind blows)

...little restaurant in Sausalito

where a seagull sits on the windowsill.

You can tell by his expression

he doesn't have any idea that people shoot at each other.

When I get outta here, I'm going there every day

until I get that same expression on my face.

I don't think we'll ever get out of here.

They've tattooed our brains with this ugliness,

and we'll never get it off.

Well, I'm gonna escape right now

for exactly two hours.

‐Sweet dreams, Margaret. ‐That's what I'm planning on.

‐You wanna make it a double feature? ‐No.

You sure you don't wanna see my selected shorts?

I don't even wanna hear your Looney Tunes.

‐(wind blowing) ‐Chilly.

Mm.

(heart beating fades, wind whistling continues)

Abdominal wound. Where do you want him?

No place. We haven't got a pair of hands free.

‐Hold it. U‐turn. ‐Where is the 8063rd during all this?

Why aren't they taking some of this heat for us?

They bugged out, Colonel.

Well, eventually, they have to "disembug" themselves.

Find out where they're bugging to,

and we'll send them a few neatly wrapped packages.

Meanwhile, call for some ambulances and clear out post‐op.

We're getting too many customers.

I think it's time to take down the sign

that says "No cover, no minimum."

I'll be back before you can say "baba ghanoush."

Damn. I can't make my fingers work.

Slight case of surgeon's cramp.

‐Somebody take over for him. ‐I'm fine.

Connie, how'd you like to close?

I thought you'd never ask.

‐Move. ‐Come on.

It's just a temporary spasm.

Then take a temporary hike.

Sure, push a guy around.

Boy, if I could make a fist,

I'd be shaking it in the air right now.

Have yourself a nice long rest

and be back here in 12 minutes.

Hi.

You come here often?

Band's not great,

but some of these kids can really cut a rug.

Good night, Peg.

Oh, don't be jealous. It's just my wife.

No ambulances, Colonel.

Some lieutenant at Battalion says he signed out for them,

and he won't send them up here

where they're liable to get shot at.

I think he's a very new lieutenant.

Pierce, get somebody on this patient.

Right. Charles?

I think not.

Suture. After this, I am taking a nap.

Who's gonna work on that patient over there?

I presume, as you are chief surgeon,

chiefly you.

Lieutenant, with all due respect,

what are you using for brains, chopped liver?

Colonel, I personally signed out for those ambulances.

If they get blown up, it'll be coming out of my paycheck

for as long as I live.

You ninny,

the army expects them to be destroyed.

That's what they give them to us for.

That's not what they told me, Colonel.

Why don't you give me a call

when the shooting lightens up a bit.

Lieutenant, I am gonna go over your head

just barely over your head,

so you better hang on to your skull.

Klinger, get me General Imbrie.

I'm too old for this.

I've got children telling me I can't play with their toys.

Sherman! Sherman Potter!

Dinnertime. Dinner!

Colonel, Colonel, things are getting worse.

General Imbrie is doing bar duty in Tokyo, and I can't reach him.

The guy with the ambulances won't even answer the phone.

And post‐op is so jammed,

they're piling the wounded in my office.

I don't know what to do. We can't put 'em outside

because the thermometer just took another nosedive.

Sorry I had to wake you, Colonel.

I wish you could have given me one more minute.

It's been a long time since I tasted one of her home‐baked muffins.

Okay, put him down right here. Easy. Easy.

‐(all exclaiming) ‐Bravo!

‐Oh, me. ‐Oh, let me put some in.

Ohh!

Damn.

Oh, over here, Father.

‐Oh! ‐Let's see how cold they are.

Ooh, that's frozen.

If we put this stuff in those kids' veins,

it would jolt them right off the table.

‐Yeah, you're right. ‐Here.

Let's start 'em on these. I'll heat up a new batch.

Klinger, you're a warm human being.

It's the code of the desert, Father. Share the heat.

All right.

Be gentle with me.

No rude shocks.

A little coolness is all right,

but nothing sudden.

Ready?

Ohh! Ohh!

Hey. Hey!

What the hell kind of hotel are you guys running here?

‐Tie that other side down, will ya? ‐Sure.

Haven't been able to sleep since I got here.

Sorry, General. This time of year,

we get a lot of convention business.

You like a room with a view? We can put you up top.

I want to see your commanding officer.

Yeah, well, right now he's operating.

We'll send him in as soon as he wakes up.

‐(hammering) ‐Sorry.

I don't want anyone else to hear my confession, Father.

If I talk like this, can you hear me?

Oh, certainly, son. Go right ahead.

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.