A Very British Scandal

This programme contains some scenes of a sexual nature and some strong language.

CAR HORN

Hussey. You're a wife and mother.

You're scum, you're scum.

Slut!

Ah, you'll be judged. Judged on Earth.

I saw the crowds.

How was the reception?

Rapturous, what do you want?

You've played a spirited game but we both know

you don't have the guts for this. Do we really?

Margaret, I want to give you one last chance

because I'm an honourable man.

I'll go in there, talk to my QC and this will all be over.

There'll be no need for you to be confronted with...

..the evidence.

Just nod your head.

Hadn't you better take your seat?

In the matter of Argyll versus Argyll

the court now calls Margaret, Duchess of Argyll.

TRAIN WHISTLE TOOTS

I once saw you at the Cafe de Paris.

You were coming down the stairs all eyes were on you -

the famous Mrs Sweeney.

I won't be Mrs Sweeney for much longer.

Yes, I've heard that, you're divorcing him, desertion.

Man's a fool - if you were mine, I'd never let you out of my sight.

If you were mine.

Captain Ian Campbell. I know who you are.

What happened next?

I can't have just walked down the staircase.

Well, you descended the stairs and I was enchanted.

Utterly bewitched.

I said, "There's a girl I'm going to marry."

Who did you say that to? Janet, my wife.

I rather think it's why she divorced me, my first wife that is.

I wonder what reason your second will give.

Oh, she'll never divorce me, no matter how hard I try.

Well, you should try harder, put your...

..back into it.

You have a delicious little stammer.

It's never been called that before.

You keep a diary?

Doesn't everyone?

Do you know what I think?

You should put a thick line through all those boring appointments

and write, "off to Scotland with Captain Campbell."

Should I? You can join me while I take care of some family business.

I'll be a perfect gentleman.

In that case I'll stay at home.

Yvonne!

Margaret. Yvonne McPherson my wonderful assistant.

Woman's a bloody godsend.

Where are they? In the library.

I wouldn't come in if I were you.

Place is a play pit, cold as a morgue.

Take a look around the grounds and then we'll go for some dinner.

Let's see cousin Niall.

I've read so much about you.

Seen your photograph so often I feel I know you.

Do you?

Yvonne!

MAN SINGS

Christ I'm dreading this.

Hello, Niall.

FINISHES SONG

Really quite incredibly hungry.

Well. We could sell an island or maybe some land.

Do it then, but not Tobermory - Tobermory's off limits,

it's sacrosanct. Sell Tyree or some of the other land.

It still wouldn't be enough to cover the cost of essential work

needed to the castle.

We can't even start repairs while the Duke is still alive.

As he's so fiercely against anything he perceives as intrusion.

Well, he believes in fairies, perhaps it would help

if you wore little wings and carried a wand.

You said you would consider an income from the estate for me.

We discussed it and we agreed.

You're princes among men, how much?

£1,500 a year for the term of your life.

£1,500?

I'd earn more selling my arsehole on the Glasgow docks.

Well, if you don't want it. Jesus wept, fine.

I don't have a choice, do I?

When do I get it?

When you inherit the Duchy of Argyll.

Give all those pieces of paper to Mrs McPherson,

I don't have time for them.

BIRDSONG

I'm done.

What does this mean?

Forget not.

It's beautiful.

You didn't tell me it was so beautiful.

It's a pile.

Just needs love and attention.

She's just neglected.

Margaret, it's so good to see you.

You don't have to be here.

We don't have to sign it together. I made mistakes.

It's not too late. Charlie.

It is.

We'll always be friends.

Always.

Write to the children.

It's important that they know you love them.

You can never tell a child it's loved too much.

Bye, darling.

Charlie cried like a baby.

Poor thing.

He cried and he cried.

He said he could never love anyone the way he loved me.

We don't have to go you know, we could just go for

a girl's dinner somewhere.

Course we have to go.

Imagine the talk if I don't turn up.

There's already been talk.

Your jaunt the Highlands with rugged Captain Campbell,

that's curdling some milk.

Is it?

What do you know about him?

Terrible time with those bloody Nazis.

Locked up in one of their horrendous prisoner of war camps.

Men being operated on with no anaesthetic

to see how long they last, that sort of thing.

Christ, poor man.

He never said anything about that.

Well, it's not very erotic, is it?

You're not going to fall backwards onto a chaise longue

with tails of torture and starvation.

I don't know.

Cheers, darling. Come on, tell all.

GLASSES CLINK There's nothing to tell. It's me.

I know it's you, there's nothing to tell.

Because he's married.

There are stories about Captain Ian Campbell, you know.

DOG BARKS Not war stories, women stories.

Diana, darling, there's stories about me.

I liked him. I liked his castle.

Keep your powder dry, it's not his castle yet.

Yet. Are they are out there? Of course they are.

How much do you want to bet Maureen gets her penis out?

Not a penny. Maureen always gets her penis out.

Oh...

DOG BARKS

This way please!

This way.

INDISTINCT CHATTER

Congratulations on your divorce.

Now you can grace us with your beauty again.

How we've missed you.

Ah, hello. Hello.

Oh, everyone hand-picked by moi to cheer you up.

What a wonderful hostess you are, Maureen,

you really do think of everything.

Canapes and cock. Is there anything else?

Well, hopefully a dessert.

GLASSES CLINK

I know what's going to get this party started.

Here we go.

THEY CHEER AND SQUEAL

I think we need another one, don't we?

Who is going to be the lucky person?

Freddie, come on darling.

All right, then.

Come on, Freddie.

# Dreamy eyes

# Dreamy eyes

# Dreamy eyes

# Dreamy eyes

# Dreamy eyes

# Who are you dreaming of?

# Dreamy eyes

# Who do you really love?

# Who holds

# The key to your heart?

# Heart

# Tell me, tell me who

# Who do you yearn to kiss?

# Open up your heart

# Don't torture me like this

# Your dreams

# Will drive us apart

# Bah-bah-bah, bah-bah-bah

# bah-bah-bah, bah-bah-bah BAH

# Your lonely lips cry for love

# You live and you die just for love

# But my lips excite

# Thrill and ignite

# That fire of love deep inside

# Dreamy eyes

# I need you desperately

# Dreamy eyes... #

CLOCK TICKS

SHE SIGHS

I thought of you the other day.

Mm?

I took little Sheridan to London Zoo.

I arranged for him to have a tour with one of the keepers.

Boy's obsessed with animals.