Playing House

Hey, here's a question I have.

Do I need a separate carbon monoxide detector,

or should I just get one of these combo jobbers?

Who cares? I'm so bored. I wanna kill myself.

Well, if we buy the wrong thing, you won't have to kill yourself...

- Oh my God. - What?

It's "bird bones".

I haven't seen Tina out and about in months.

God, she's even more tinier

and more birdlike than I remember.

I can't believe Mark married her!

Look at her hair. Not a strand out of place.

She still have that thing

where she breaks her bones all the time?

Mm-hmm. Yeah, but she's keepin' it tight.

- Yeah. - Body be bangin'.

- They be bangin'. - Shh.

Rub your thumb on the knob and tell me what it feels like.

I don't like it.

It feels too big in my small hands.

Hey, you know what? We're gonna keep on looking

until we find a knob that makes you feel good.

All right?

- Okay. Thanks, honey. - Come here. Hey.

My God, look how solicitous he is.

He was never like that when we were dating!

"Rub my knob." No, thank you.

Oh! Inappropriate.

And why is he shopping for knobs with her anyway?

My UPS guy, Rob Rockemoor, he told me

that they've renovated the inside of their house

like three times.

- On his cop salary? - I know.

'Cause you know she's not workin'... am I right?

Am I right or am I right?

- Oh! - Oh, my... shh!

- Stop it - I don't know...

Emma?

Oh, my God!

- Maggie? - Look who it is!

It's Mark and Tina! Yeah!

Good friends!

Yes... hello!

Meet you up there?

Hi, Maggie.

- Hey! - Hi!

Hi, Emma. It's nice to see you.

Mark said that you're back in town.

Yep, back home, you know,

just helping fatty here plop out a baby.

That's me.

Oh, but g... look at you!

You look like you just walked out of a Hollywood salon.

Just gorgeous!

Not the two of us... We look like

a couple of sister wives. Just, you know, is it

his turn or my turn or...

We're all taking a turn, so...

- Anyhoos... - Maybe we should go.

Yeah, but you know what? We should all hang out

some time. Oh, I don't-I don't think

we necessarily have to do that.

No, we definitely should. In fact, I am not leaving

until we make firm plans.

Well, how about tomorrow?

Um... tomorrow?

That's... wow, Maggie.

What do you have on the docket?

Um, you know what,

- that is a nice invitation... - Yeah.

- But... - Well, then we can do brunch.

You know what? As much as I would love

to have you in my home where I live,

- I have to work tomorrow. - Oh!

- Oh... - So it's not good for me.

Well, great, then it's just us girls.

- Great! - Great!

I can't. Let's just get back in the car.

We'll just tell her I have capital "D".

- No one questions that. - What? No.

We are not faking diarrhea, okay?

- We committed to this brunch. - Yeah, but why would bird bones

want to have brunch with her husband's ex-girlfriend?

- That's weird! - It was your idea.

- No, it wasn't. - You said, and I quote,

"I'm not leaving here until we make firm plans."

Well, I must have had a petite mal seizure,

'cause I don't remember that at all.

What are we even gonna talk to her about?

I don't know, but I gotta get my eyes

on the inside of this house, 'cause Rod says it's stunning.

You need to stop hanging out with the UPS guy.

Rod is an amazing man,

and also, he knows how to rock a brown short.

Look at this place. Nobody is this perfect.

Must be something wrong with her.

I tell you what, if it gets too weird,

we're just gonna toss her a big old bag of bird seed,

watch her work the shell off.

Ah-cah-cah.

- That's a good one, Mag. - Oh, my God!

Were you just waiting here for us?

- Absolutely, I was. - Are we under arrest?

This is serious... my wife is a very fragile woman, okay?

She got so worked up last night getting everything ready,

- she could barely sleep. - Why didn't you just throw

- a blanket over her cage? - Hey! Hey!

This is exactly what I'm talking about.

- What? - You two can be mean.

- Hey, nuh-uh! - What? We're not mean.

- No, we're not. - You're mean.

You're nice when you're on your own,

but when you two get together, it's just like high school.

All hell breaks loose. I'm talking about

gossipy girl hell where everybody's talking about...

- - Okay...

Please, can you please talk...

I hope that's not supposed to be an impression of us.

Unfortunately, I cannot be here

to look out for Tina, because I have to go to work.

So please... be on your best behavior.

What do you think we're gonna do... attack her?

It's a ladies' brunch.

Just be nice. Be nice.

Oh, my God!

Tina, are you gonna eat any of this delicious food

you've prepared?

No.

Okay.

Uh, Tina,

that is a gorgeous dress.

Oh! Thank you.

- Where'd you get it? - My birthday.

- This is so much fun! - Oh!

- So much fun! - It really is.

- We are just... -

This is one for the history books, for sure.

This house is spectacular, Tina.

Do you do all the decorating yourself?

I do!

Would you guys like a tour?

- Yes, we would love a tour. - Please. Yes.

- There is nothing I'd like more. - Yes, please.

- Follow me. - Okay.

Well, um... the kitchen is

Lux-modern meets neo-traditional

with just a hint of the whimsy of Giada at Home.

- The counter top... - We're just...

oh, sorry to interrupt,

but it's so clean and pristine in here.

Where... where do you keep, like, your junk and stuff?

I don't understand.

You know, like your old batteries

or Bed Bath & Beyond coupons

or those keys that you're like, "what is this for?"

- Oh! My junk. - Yeah.

Okay, now, do not judge me, please.

Oh, no, we won't.

Oh, embarrassing.

- See, Emma, there it is. - Yeah.

Let's put that away.

Ooh, wow.

Now, if you will follow me into the dining area,

I'll tell you the riveting origin story

of my antique drexel heritage China hutch.

Both: Ooh.

Okay, so seven of your garden gnomes have been stolen.

Is that correct? Yes.

And do they all look like this one?

No, sir.

Each gnome is uniquely outfitted

according to his or her specific personality or occupation.

What does this one do?

Feldspar is a veterinarian.

That's why he has a cat in a wheelbarrow.

And what is it that makes you think that Joffrey here

is the one that stole the other gnomes?

He emailed me these lewd photographs.

Are these gnomes wearing eyes wide shut masks?

Oh.

Holy mother of God.

Okay.

Oh, gosh.

Well, that's just a hug.

That's just a sweet hug.

Oh, no, it's not.

- - It's not funny!

Gnomes don't have orgies. They mate for life,

and they don't have sex for pleasure.

I think that this case is pretty open and shut.

Joffrey, apologize to Mr. Casey,

and give him back his gnomes.

I didn't do it.

You emailed him the pictures from your own email address,

and if you don't confess, I have to open a formal investigation,

so please tell him where the gnomes are

- so we can all go home. - I didn't do it.

Yes, you did, you little rat!

And I will not rest

until Hocus, Pocus, Klondike,