Two and a Half Men

* Men.

Swordfish looks good.

You eat a lot of fish.

Aren't you worried about mercury?

Michelle, on the list of things I expect to kill me,

mercury poisoning ranks well below liver failure,

struck by lightning and heart attack during sex.

Guess which one I'm rooting for.

Charles?

Speaking of things I expect to kill me.

What a lovely surprise.

Michelle, this is my mother Evelyn. Mom, Michelle.

Evelyn, it's a pleasure. You have a wonderful son.

Yes, I do.

But Charlie and Alan must never learn of him.

Before she kills, she likes to torture.

So, how did you two meet?

Charlie asked me to look at a little thing on his butt.

Oh, smooth, Charlie.

She's a dermatologist, Mom.

Oh, a doctor?

So you have access to Charlie's medical records

and still went out with him.

Okay, nice to see you, Mom. I don't want to keep you

from whatever poor schmuck you're here to meet.

Sorry I'm late, Mom.

How about that? The poorest schmuck I know.

Michelle, this is my brother Alan.

Alan, Michelle. Hi.

Nice to meet you.

Would you like to join us?

Sure.

How sweet.

Uh... waiter?

I thought you liked me.

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men * * Ooh

* Men, men, men, men, manly men * * Ooh * Ooh

* Ooh-ooh-ooh, ooh-ohh, ooh-ooh... *

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ooh * Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

* Men.

Well, this is very pleasant.

The last time I met one of Charlie's girlfriends,

I was picking glitter off my skin for a week.

Oh, right, the 22-year-old pole dancer.

Oh, don't get the wrong idea.

I mean, not every woman Charlie dates is a stripper.

I can't imagine

you stripping, for example.

I mean, I can imagine it.

So what's the occasion for you two?

No occasion.

Can't a son invite his mom to lunch?

He needs money.

No, no. But if you're lookin' to give some away

I'm not gonna turn it down.

You're a dermatologist.

How do I get rid of a 170-pound skin tag?

Excuse me, 164.

Really? That's the part you object to?

Would you like to be called a 200-pound drunk?

180. See?

Yeah, well, better a lush than a leech.

At least a leech doesn't miss

his mother's birthday in a drunken blackout.

Yes, but when the lush wakes up,

he can buy her a nice gift with his own money.

He can, but he doesn't.

He doesn't because

you wouldn't appreciate it anyway.

Let's not start with appreciation.

Did I ever get a thank you

for bearing you and raising you all by myself?

Thank you, Mommy.

Give it a rest.

I'll write you a check.

Thank you, Mommy.

Do you have children, Michelle?

I have a daughter.

Isn't that nice?

Has she ripped your heart out yet?

Not quite.

Well, give her time.

Children are God's little way of

punishing us for having sex.

So, Michelle, you've met my mom and my brother.

Will you be breaking up with me now

or would you prefer to wait till after lunch?

I'll wait.

I already ordered the souffle

and I understand it's very good here.

Oh, she's attractive, successful and funny.

So tell me, dear,

why are you settling?

* Men.

Mmm... wait, wait, wait.

Can I ask you a question?

Sure.

Have there been a lot of women in this bed?

Uh...

actually in the bed?

Fewer than you'd think.

Charlie...

Listen, I'm not gonna lie about who I am

or where I've been,

so don't ask unless you really want to know.

It doesn't matter.

The past is the past.

Agreed.

Let's work on the present.

Oh, goody, I love presents.

Uncle Charlie?

Busy, Jake.

Oh, is Chelsea back?

No, Jake.

Mia?

No.

The married stripper? What's her name, Betsy?

What do you need, Jake?

Can I borrow your car?

No, you can't borrow my hundred- thousand-dollar Mercedes!

Okay.

Sorry about that.

It's not another hooker, is it?

Excuse me.

Here's the keys. Go away. Thank you.

My nephew.

Everyone's convinced he's a freaking moron,

but I'm starting to think he's an evil genius.

* Men.

Hey, did you hear that noise last night?

What noise?

Around 2:00 or 3:00 in the morning,

I thought I heard a man crying.

Oh, that's nothing. That's just Alan.

It's nothing?

Yeah, he gets up in the middle of the night to pee,

then he can't get back to sleep, so he masturbates.

Then he starts crying.

Oh, my God, that's awful!

It's like the ocean. I don't even hear it anymore.

Hey, sorry I'm late.

I stopped off and did the shopping for the week.

Michelle, this is my housekeeper Berta.

Berta, Michelle. Hi.

Nice to meet you.

Planning a party?

Every afternoon at 2:00.

She's, she's kidding.

Right, Berta?

Huh? Yeah, sure, why not?

Can I go upstairs and make your bed

or are you guys just catchin' your breath and rinsin' off?

No, it's fine.

We're just gonna go for a walk on the beach.

Good one.

Why is that funny?

Last time this one was on the beach

was 'cause he fell off the deck.

It wasn't his fault. He was drunk.

I'll go make your bed.

She seems... nice.

You think?

'Cause she scares the crap outta me.

Well, then why don't you get rid of her?

Oh, no, no, no, no, I could never fire her.

I love her to death.

Interesting.

So, you love her and yet she scares you?

Little window into ol' Charlie, huh?

More like a garage door.

* Men.

Well, you've met my family,

you know all about my past,

my fondness for... things I'm fond of.

Uh-huh?

So... why are you still here?

Come on, Charlie, I'm a realist.

Nobody our age comes without baggage.

Well, yeah, but some people might think

that my baggage is... extra icky.

Extra icky?

That's actually a quote from a former girlfriend.

Well, I think that a mature relationship has got

to be based on honesty about our flaws.

You know my flaws.

Openness about our past.

You know my past.

And a willingness to forgive.

I forgive you.

I really like you, Michelle.

I really like you, too.

Hi, Charlie.

There might be one more thing you should know about me.

* Men.

* Men.

Rose, this is not a good time.

I just want to talk to you.