Mom

Previously on Mom...

I just got a text from my son.

He hasn't spoken to me in years.

I chose booze over my own son.

- Marjorie would love to babysit. - Well, that's too bad.

She's made her choices, and I've made mine.

Jerry decided that he wants his daughter

to have a relationship with her grandma.

_

- Hey. - Hey.

Your husband's a dick.

Fine. And you?

Out of nowhere, Adam said

I'm not allowed in his office anymore.

Well, he is a little funny about his privacy.

You know I'm not allowed in his jacket pockets?

We're married, and I can't have a Tic Tac?

Hmm. Or a twenty.

I've worked at the bar for over a year.

Obviously, it's 'cause I'm an ex-con.

You want me to talk to him for you?

I'll probably forget, but I'm happy to offer.

I'm just gonna act like I'm over it,

and really resent him behind his back.

- That's what I do. - Mm.

Thank you, Ginny. This is perfect.

What's with the baby bouncer?

Is Majorie treating her cats like people again?

I mean, the stroller was embarrassing enough.

She's babysitting her granddaughter tomorrow.

That's huge!

How come nobody told me?

She did tell you. She told all of us.

Yeah, we talked about it for most of lunch the other day.

Well, I must've been in the bathroom.

No, you were there, and engaged in the conversation.

- Really? - Yeah, you told her you didn't think

she was ready for it.

Then you ate my fries, and told Wendy

her blouse was sadder than The Notebook.

Oh. That sounds like me.

Look what Ginny lent me.

I know, because you're babysitting

your granddaughter tomorrow. I remember.

How? You weren't even at lunch when I told everybody.

You are both mean.

: Ooh. I had so much fun messing with her head.

Can we make that a new thing?

Let's make that our new thing.

Oh, you don't have much going on, do you?

Okay, uh, we both have our cell phones,

but just in case, I'm sending you the numbers to the church,

the reception hall and the bride and groom.

Please don't call the bride and groom.

- I won't. - (Sophia babbles)

Don't worry. Sophia and I are gonna be fine.

- Hear that? Let's go. - I just...

I want to cover everything in the diaper bag.

Let's go. I haven't had a drink in 17 months.

If we're bragging, I haven't had one in 38 years.

Should we leave her the car seat?

Actually, I bought one.

- Oh, all right. - Uh, well, then let me double-check it

'cause 74% of car seats are installed wrong.

I had it installed at the fire station.

We didn't even do that.

Thank you, Marjorie.

- Mm-hmm. - (gasps)

Goodbye, smushie. I love you so much.

Jerry, get in the car.

Okay.

Have a nice time.

Okay.

You and Grandma are gonna have fun today.

Let me show you around my house.

Okay, this is the kitchen,

and this is the living room.

And that's cat barf I just stepped in.

Oh, which one of you did this?

We're gonna have to interrogate the cats.

Thank you so much.

I've never seen Boz Scaggs this sick.

All right, so, Dr. Feeny doesn't work on the weekends, so,

if they say that it's his liver, it's not.

Those enzymes are always elevated.

And if they try to give him amoxicillin, that is a big "no."

- Marjorie? - Mm. You're right.

You can handle it.

Actually, I was gonna say I can't handle it.

How about I stay here with the baby,

and you take the cat to the vet?

No. This is the first time my son is leaving her with me,

and if anything happened... Hey.

I kept two kids alive.

They're not really talking to me, but they're alive.

- (Boz Scaggs yowls) - Okay.

Mm-hmm. Okay.

I'll be right back.

Call me if you need me.

Oh, oh, oh, I'm blocking you in.

Here. Oh, just take my car.

Oh.

You know we'll never be able to do that again.

Why would we need to?

Bye, Sophia.

Hi.

My name is Christy, and I'm an alcoholic

and a gambler and a natural blonde.

Two truths and a lie.

Oh, wait, wait, wait. Have you seen this one?

Wait. Where'd I go?

Here I am!

Oh. Oh, no, no. Don't-don't worry. I'm not sick.

I'm just very allergic to kittens, and like a silly willy,

I forgot to bring my medication. (laughs)

- Oh. Mm. - (Sophia laughs)

Oh, you like that?

Yeah.

Ooh. Wait.

Yeah. Uh-huh.

Ah. (laughing)

Uh-oh. All gone. (laughs)

Oh, no. No, don't cry. Don't cry.

There's another box.

No, there isn't.

Uh, um... Ah!

Ha. We'll start over.

- Mm. Yeah. - (crying continues)

Ooh. Ah.

Come on. It's the same thing we've been doing for an hour.

Or ten minutes. Oh, my God.

Ugh. Ah.

All right, I got what I need.

Ah. Oh, look. It's our favorite game. (laughs)

Ah.

Oh, no. That's my mean law school professor.

Well, they're all mean, but she makes the boys cry.

Let's pretend to look at the stool softener.

Mm-hmm. Excuse me.

Aren't you in my administrative law class?

Ah. (sniffles)

Professor Winslow, I-I didn't see you.

Yes. (sniffles)

You look awful.

Thank you.

I didn't realize you had a baby.

If I'd done law school with a baby, I'd be dead.

Oh, well, no, she's not...

Well...

it is hard.

So this... is why

you're always late and distracted and unprepared?

That's what you get for trying to have it all.

Well, I didn't realize what you were dealing with.

But I'm gonna be more patient with your mommy

now that I realize why she's such a mess.

Hang in there.

I will!

Where was this treatment when I got pregnant in high school?

Got your text. What's going on?

I thought I was having an allergy attack,

but I think I'm coming down with something.

You can't catch anything from a cat, right?

What were you doing with it?

Just take over with the baby. All right.

All right, step aside.

Let me show you how this is done.

40 years late, but okay.

Hey, I did something

morally questionable.

Is this about the cat again?

I ran into my professor at the pharmacy

and let her believe Sophia's my baby,

and now she thinks I have a super hard life,

and she's gonna give me special treatment.

Hit me with the morally questionable part.

That's it. I lied to her.

First of all, that sounds like a lie of omission,

and nobody counts those.

But more importantly, your life is hard.

Yeah, but I don't have a baby.

So your life is hard in different ways.

You've got, like, 27 addictions and 12 jobs.

Okay, it's only two addictions.

That we know about.

Honey, your life is a crapfest

wrapped in a nightmare on top of a dumpster fire.

Great. Now I'm sick and sad.

Marjorie has my car. Give me your keys.

- Don't wreck my car. - (groans)

Don't leave her in a basket at the laundromat.

Oh, come on! Aren't we laughing about that yet?

We are not.

We can laugh about it.

Okay, we've been through all your grandma's

drawers and closets,

so we're officially out of things to do.

Mm.