The Full Treatment

(Jazz music blaring on car radio)

Alan.

Roberts: You can't really believe this man's going to make a 100% recovery.

Manfield: I did say "in due course."

After a depressed fracture of the skull, cerebral contusion and...

Four weeks unconscious, and six months on his back.

We know all that.

The point is you now think he's fit enough

to be sent charging off to the south of France.

It isn't just physical injuries.

The man's emotionally unstable.

Who isn't these days?

His nerve's gone, there are gaps in his memory...

They'll probably fill in.

He's not like you and me, Roberts.

These racing boys are tough.

So are insurance companies when it comes to minimising the claim.

I really ought to resent that remark.

You were meant to.

It's a miracle Colby's alive at all.

The truck driver isn't.

It's a common complaint with people who drive on the wrong side.

If you remember, the truck was on the wrong side.

Perhaps your consultation fee will cheer you up.

- Thanks. - And stop worrying about Colby.

You'll see. A month in the sun and a honeymoon, he'll be a new man.

And his wife will enjoy it.

Would you enjoy a honeymoon with a post-concussional patient?

Man field: That's an extremely improper suggestion.

Lento, vai lento!

Very slowly.

I'll never do it.

But this is the first time. To do three kilometres the first time.

Alan Colby does three kilometres at 14.2 miles per hour.

Look, you men make me tired. You have no Patience.

You've got to do everything now. Right away.

- Va, va, va, quick, quick, quick! - Denise!

I can't! I'll never pass it.

You must try, Alan.

Hold the wheel! Denise! Hold the wheel.

You can do it, Alan, on your own! You can do it.

You did it, Alan! You did it!

You see? Everything will be all right now.

Look at these hands.

Let me hold them for you instead.

It's not going to be much of a honeymoon, is it?

It's the honeymoon I want. I'm not worried.

Take your glasses off.

Now say that again.

Say what?

That you're not worried.

I'm not worried, tesoro.

I did three kilometres, didn't I?

And you passed that cam/on.

Alan!

Attenzione, signor Colby, for an invalid you are attempting too much at once.

Oh, prova! Prende tutte la strada disgraziati!

Oh, English drivers.

Did I hurt you?

Oh, no! But you...

Now, we find the chateau de sorel.

Er, cannes, cote d'antibes...

- Hey! - Ah! Here...

Sorry.

Alan: Continental drivers.

Alan: Hey, is this as expensive as it looks?

Ah! No. We have out-of-season rates.

And also on top of that I hit them down.

Beat them down.

Er... portez les bagages dans I'hétel, s'il vous pla/“t.

Oui, monsieur.

Well, all right, so I speak French like a tourist.

The trouble is, you inhibit me.

But you could speak it so well if you tried.

Never. You have to have the right kind of tongue.

The kind that slides around the accents.

Mine was never any good at that.

- Hello, wife. - Oh! Alan. Please.

- Bonjour m'sieurs-dames! - Ah, bonjour, bonjour!

My name is Colby. We have a reservation.

Ah, mr Colby, but of course. You're like your photographs.

Mmm, is that good?

Monsieur Colby, c'est au dix-huit.

Yes. We give you the best room in the hotel.

Would you like to see it now?

Or maybe first perhaps a little aperitif?

Ah! First a little drink, double scotch.

All right. And you, madame?

- Pastis, s'il vous pla/“t. - Pastis, certainement, madame.

- If you will, on the terrace. - Merci.

And afterwards you will see your room. It is beautiful.

As long as it has a bed.

Better, monsieur. It has two beds.

Two beds?

Well, who asked for two beds?

But, darling, what...

No, no. I want to know about this.

I want to know, who asked for two beds?

But monsieur, it's simple to change things.

You bet it's simple. But who asked for them?

Did you?

Denise!

Denise!

Look at me.

Did they tell you not to sleep with me?

- Alan! - What did those doctors tell you?

- Alan, you're hurting me. - Did they say two beds?

No, of course they didn't.

Oh, no. Of course they didn't.

It's probably dawned on you, you have a slightly mixed-up husband.

Denise: I have a very bad patient who should take things easy, huh?

Two more days of this and you won't know me.

Let's go and have a look at the plage.

Ah, no, signor Colby. You've already done too much for one day.

- We'll go back and finish... - Hey, wait a minute.

Alan: What in the world's that?

Le téléphérique, monsieur. To the plage.

Alan: What, you mean we go down to the beach on that thing?

You can walk, but walking is slower.

And much safer.

Oh, come on. Let's try it.

Oh, no, Alan. Come on. Look.

Hey, watch it. You're rocking the boat.

But you'll get dizzy.

Look, I gotta get used to it sooner or later.

Come on, there's another seat.

Ah, no. Tomorrow, huh?

Monsieur will show madame how good is the téléphérique,

- hey! - Alan!

- Arrétez-ie, arrétez le cabine! - Impossible, madame, le banc arrive a la plage.

Don't worry. I'm all right.

Hey, hey! Sit down, man!

Hey, sit down, unless you want to decapitate yourself.

- Bonjour, monsieur. - Bonjour.

Achetez-moi des poulpes. Regardez-ies! Tout frais de la mer.

Octopus, no?

Table marché, monsieur!

No, no...

Monsieur, regardez! Monsieur!

Monsieur, c'est la meilleur! C'est la plus haut!

Moi aussi, je suis bien d'accord avec vous.

Je ne les aime pas, les poulpes.

Mais, tous les touristes, ils ont I'air de les aimer.

Ils sont completement gaga.

Et sans suivant quand méme dans les hétels.

Vous permettez?

- Hier de la... - (Whirring drowns him out)

Merci, monsieur! A tout a I'heure!

Denise: Well, you certainly conquered the téléphérique,

oh, it wasn't bad.

I was just telling your enchanting wife,

in all the years I've been here, this infernal machine

has never even been oiled, let alone overhauled.

That must make useful openings to introductions.

Oh, Alan, this is monsieur...

Prade. David prade.

We have already met each other halfway, so to speak.

- Colby. - Oh, yes.

I know you by reputation, of course.

"The demon of the track."

Ex-demon.

Come on, let's take a look at our room, shall we?

Yes, of course, but monsieur prade has bought us some drinks.

Ah! Has he now?

Yes. They are over there.

You know, when I arrived up here, your wife was quite distrait.

So you offered to buy her a drink.

But she charmingly refused to touch it until you returned.

Oh! But of course. She's a very high-born lady, my wife.

She has the most perfect manners, you know.

Her mother was a comtesse in her own right, wasn't she?

- Alan, this is not the time to... - Tell the gentleman.

Yours is a scotch. I hope that's right.

Yes. Yes, that's right. Thank you.

I must say you had me worried, the way you were prancing about in that thing.

I thought you were trying to get out.

Oh, no. It was the ham in me. I always wanted to be a trapeze artist.

In that case, you will be in your element when the darn thing breaks down.

Maurice!

Will it break down?

Well, it's a mechanical device, you know.

They all break down sooner or later,

when the stresses and strains reach a sufficient pitch of tension.

- UN verglas, s'il vois plait. - Tout de suite, monsieur.

Well, I suppose human beings follow the same laws, more or less.

Oh, I do apologise...

Yes, but machines can't mend themselves. Human beings can.

Oh, sometimes. With help.

What sort of help?

Well, the help one personality gives to another.

The innocent with their wives, the wicked with their mistresses.

We all need help.

Which category do you fall into?

Neither! I derive my pleasure from being an observer

of this strange mixture of frustration and debauchery.

And your observances, are they worth recording?

Oh! Quite definitely. But they are recorded in complete secrecy.

There can never be complete secrecy, unless perhaps for priests and murderers.

And even priests tell their secrets to god.

And murderers can't resist drawing attention to their crimes, however discreetly.