Two and a Half Men

Oh, oh, that is so true.

I know exactly what you mean.

Hang on. I'll get you an ashtray.

Oh, hey, Charlie.

Hey. What's going on?

Oh, I just have a friend over

from my single parent support group.

Oh, yeah. Unattached moms.

I got to check out that group.

But you don't have a kid.

Are they really strict about that?

'Cause, at the dog park,

you just show up with a leash and say,

"That's him by the tree."

It's a single parent group.

You need to be a single parent.

Seems a little prejudiced, if you ask me.

Hey, Alan, can I use your bathroom

or should I just pee off the deck?

It's right down the hall.

Oh, Greg, this is my brother Charlie.

Charlie, Greg.

Hey. Hey. Nice place.

Thanks.

She's a little butch for you, isn't she?

Greg's a divorced dad.

He's got a daughter around Jake's age.

Well, you can understand my confusion.

You think I joined a support group to pick up women?

No. I think you joined a support group

because you're a whiny little wuss.

But as long as you're there, you might as well nail a few.

Sex is not what the group's about.

Oh, grow up.

You put single men and women

in folding chairs in a church basement,

they're going to start mounting each other.

The depths of your degeneracy continue to astound me.

Really? Still?

So, Charlie, I am guessing,

by the stack of racing forms next to the can,

you bet the ponies.

Hey, I'd bet on rabbits if you could get 'em organized.

Is there a story behind that riding crop

hanging on the wall?

Oh, yeah-- that's a souvenir

from a wonderful weekend in Louisville, Kentucky.

Oh, you went to the Derby?

Nah. It was a Hilton by the airport.

How about you? Do you hit the track?

Yeah. It's actually my second biggest expense after alimony.

So all your money goes to the nags, huh?

Hey, your brother's funny.

At first.

I'll get us some more beers.

Charlie, you smoke cigars?

I'd smoke rabbits

if you could keep 'em lit.

So, divorced dad, huh?

Yep.

How long were you married?

16 years.

Whoa. What ended it?

Cheating? Drinking? Gambling?

Gay.

Oh. Her?

No.

Ah.

So, what, you didn't want to try drinking or gambling?

* Men, men, men, men, manly men, men, men *

* Ah. * Men. * Men.

Are you kidding?

My brother is definitely not the marrying kind.

Oh. A confirmed bachelor.

No, no, no. Nothing's confirmed.

I mean, I just think that variety is the spice of life.

And as far as spices go,

some people like salt, some people like pepper,

some people like salt and pepper.

Me, I like women.

Me, too. Some of my best friends are women.

No, no, no. Don't-Don't-Don't misunderstand.

None of my friends are women.

Oh, I see.

No, you don't. Oh, damn.

I'm going to have to take a rain check on that beer.

I got to get going.

Oh. Oh, okay. We still on for Sunday?

Looking forward to it.

Really nice meeting you, Charlie.

Maybe I'll see you at the track sometime,

You never know.

Do you like Santa Anita or Hollywood Park?

Which one do you like? Oh, I'll go either way.

Apparently.

Oh, he's bad.

You have no idea.

Okay, so I'll see you Sunday.

Bye-bye.

Adios.

Great guy, huh?

Yeah. Yeah, terrific.

How much do you know about him?

Well, I know he's a successful architect,

his daughter is a soccer player,

he's gay, he has a boat, he went to

U.C. Berkeley... Okay, okay. Back up a little.

Oh, it's a sailboat.

Well, it's more of a sloop.

He's taking me and Jake out on Sunday.

No, no, no, no, no. One more.

What, he's gay? What about it?

Nothing. I'm just looking out for you.

I mean, does he want to take you sailing,

or does he want to take you sailing?

Don't be silly. He knows I'm not gay.

Are you sure?

For 16 years, he didn't know he was gay.

Come on, Charlie.

You don't believe two men can be friends

just because one of them is gay?

It has nothing to do with gay.

Imagine he were a straight guy

and you were an attractive young woman.

Do you think you could just be friends?

How attractive?

What?

I mean, you know, am I kind of cute

in a tomboy sort of way,

or am I smokin' hot and workin' it?

Okay, okay. Let's start again.

Imagine you were a straight guy...

And?

No "and." That's it.

* Men.

Berta, how long have you been working for me?

Define working.

What kind of hair conditioner do I use?

I quit.

I use a wash-out conditioner,

then blow-dry with a dab of styling gel.

But you got me a leave-in conditioner.

Why would you get me a leave-in conditioner?

The truth? Please.

It came with a free Lady Schick.

Berta, my hair is important to me.

All right. Don't get your panties in a bunch.

What is that supposed to mean?

It means don't get so agitated that your undergarments

become entangled within your crack.

Hey, hey, hey. I'm not agitated!

I just like having extra body without, you know, stiffness!

* Men.

Okay. Why don't you guys go hang outside

while we throw together some lunch?

Okay. Come on, Sophie.

This is a cool house.

Yeah. It's my weekend place.

I have a second home in the valley.

I think they like each other.

Oh, Jake is smitten.

I usually only see that look on his face

when we go to the Pancake House.

Hey. Hiya, Charlie. Hey.

How did the sailing go?

Great. Perfect weather.

Here. I brought you a present.

Really?

Yeah. It's one of those Cuban fellas you like puffin' on.

That's sweet. Thank you.

You're very welcome.

Did you do something different with your hair? It looks nice.

Don't get me started.

So, when did you find out about your dad?

Find out what?

That he's gay.

My dad's not gay.

You sure? My dad is.

No kidding.

Yep.

You smell like strawberries.

It's my lip gloss.

Cool. Does it taste like it smells?

You want to find out?

Sure.

* Men.

Can we watch a soccer game instead of basketball?

What are you, nuts?

Sophie says soccer's the most popular sport in the world.

Well, then they don't need us to watch it.

You know what would be a good idea?

Maple syrup lip gloss.

Your mom will be here any minute.

I thought I told you to get ready. I'm ready.

Did you do your homework? No.

Oh, Jake, I promised your mother you would have it done.

Well, next time, you'll know better.

I think Jake has a thing for your boyfriend's daughter.

He's not my boyfriend.

We're friends.