How to Live With Your Parents (For the Rest of Your Life)

Hey, mom. Hey, Max.

- Hi. - Hey.

Just grabbing a quick cup of Joe before I hit the highway.

It's another typical morning

when my ex-husband walks in like he lives here.

Remind me, Julian, how much does highway adoption pay? (Coffee pouring)

Nothin'.

I don't do it for the money.

I do it for the free garbage.

Hey! (Chuckles) (Splatters)

Dish soap works.

I get to beautify the landscape, I get to work with a spear,

and I got a letter of commendation

from the coroner's office after I found that dead body.

Well, I, for one, am very proud of you, Julian,

and I love the orange vest.

This was on the body.

I don't wanna go to soccer!

Last Tuesday, at 6:20 P.M., my daughter realized

she possessed all of the power in our relationship.

I'll only eat my broccoli if we can eat it in the hot tub.

It's almost bedtime, and it is very cold,

and I am not in bikini shape right now.

Okay?

Wow, those are tiny bites.

Thanks.

It's not a compliment.

What's it gonna take to get you go to soccer?

Mommy's already late for work, sweetie.

I'm already late for my butt!

- Okay. Okay, okay, okay, okay, okay. - (Laughs) Ah.

I got this, okay?

Nat, if you promise to go to soccer,

I will let you pick up garbage on the side of the road later,

and you can keep all the treasure you find.

Last week, I found an artificial leg.

Give me the clothes. I'll get her dressed.

- (Whispers) Okay. - And here we go. I got her.

Okay, I got her. No, you don't!

Yes, I do! No, you don't!

If I let her stay home from soccer,

can you guys watch her while I'm at work?

Don't give me the face.

You're capitulating to a munchkin terrorist.

What if all terrorists were munchkins?

Oh, then we wouldn't see it coming, would we?

(Wheezes)

- Polly, look, you're the boss. - Mm-hmm.

You have to do what you need to do,

and the child adapts. That's how it works.

You just go to work. Yeah.

She needs to go to soccer, she'll find a way there.

That's what we did with you.

The adults were the stars of the show,

and the children were the audience,

and you kept coming back 'cause we were a smash hit.

Look, I don't know if you picked up on all this,

but you guys doing the whole putting-your-needs-first thing

kind of left me with a big black hole inside.

- That's so dramatic. We all have one of those. - Oh, but I love your big black hole.

- I do. I think it makes you mysterious, interesting. - Stephen Hawking would love your black hole.

- Makes you fun, unique. - I wish my black hole was intriguing as hers.

Yours is marvelous. You know what I mean?

I don't want Natalie to feel emotionally abandoned, okay?

Kids come first. So yeah,

this might be a little challenging right now,

but she is gonna grow up

to be a secure, well-adjusted young woman

with her own apartment.

That would be great.

All right, well, she's dressed.

They'll be the only team with a princess,

but she wouldn't wear anything else.

See? We acknowledged her needs, and she's gonna respond

by sticking with the plan, which is mommy goes to work,

and she goes to soccer.

I asked Natalie to stop touching the coffee beans,

and she said that my mama was my butt.

(Door bells jingle)

I couldn't think of a good "yo mama" comeback,

and now I feel bad about myself.

I am so sorry. She refused to go to soccer.

She's in a bit of a rebellious phase,

and I'm afraid that too much discipline's

gonna lead right to a stripper pole.

She's 6.

What does she have to rebel against, corn syrup?

Why does this girl upset me so much?

Oh, perfect.

Okay, okay.

Sweetie... ha ha ha ha.

Hey, Scott.

Scott is this super hunky man-nurse

I've been going out with.

Oh, my God. This is so perfect 'cause we're both divorced

and we both have kids. Uh-huh.

So if our kids grew up and fell in love,

would... that make us brother and sister,

or would you become my dad?

Yeah. I hate math.

I would love to hang out tomorrow,

but Natalie has tap class,

and her refusal to get in the car will probably eat up...

Oh, I don't know... Let's say five hours.

Let me call you later. Bye.

Okay, Polly, I don't mean to be a narc,

but I think she should be wearing gloves.

Look, mommy, I'm cheese!

Mm.

Scott asked you out,

and you said no?

Yes. Natalie's really testing me right now.

I think it sends the wrong message to bail on her.

She's my daughter. I put her first.

I wonder, though, if she needs you

as much as you think she does, or if you need her

to need you as much as...

Whatever matches the beginning of what I was saying.

You just like to think that because it makes you feel better

about putting all of your needs before mine when I was little.

Okay, sweetie, we gotta get

to our commedia dell'arte workshop.

So just take the 2 to the a or the B to the 1.

Well, that's not running express right now. (Siren wailing in distance)

Just take the 2 all the way downtown. (Singsongy) Love you!

- Okay. - Cool.

To be fair, we put our needs before everybody.

But you like Scott,

and you deserve to make love to him again.

Nobody "makes love" anymore.

We make love. We make a lot.

Well, we're... Like, a lot.

We make love.

Well, things will never get grosser than that.

Can't Julian take her?

Julian underestimated how hard it is

to maintain 2 Miles of highway.

(Man) Have a good lunch, douchebag!

Ha ha. Oh, yeah.

Laugh it up, Jesus fish!

That is not how you get into heaven.

Well, you are our child, and we put you first.

So why don't you let us take care of Natalie,

and you go out with Scott?

Yep, didn't see that coming, did ya?

- Nope. - Well, you know, we're supposed to go

to that wine and jazz festival.

How about Polly comes first

on a day where we have nothing scheduled?

No, this is our family priority.

Well, when we got married, we vowed that wine and jazz

would always be our priority.

Okay, you got it, kid.

Thank you, guys. I appreciate you sacrificing your plans

so that I can... Oh, what the hell. Make love.

Ah. Felt good to say it, right? That's my girl.

It does. You know what?

I'm gonna call Scott. Actually, scratch that.

I'm just gonna go over there tomorrow

and surprise him with a little flirty move

I saw last night on Cinema Television Latino.

- Cha-cha-cha. Cha-cha... - Okay.

But we're really going to the wine and jazz festival.

No. We are going someplace appropriate for Natalie,

like, well... playground

or a library

or... (Chuckles) No, no, no, no.

- We're gonna go to the festival. - (Laughs) Okay.

And we are gonna educate Natalie

about the proper relationship between adult and child.

Oh, Polly, hey.

Hay is for horses, papi.

Uh, you know, my kids...

Hmm.

Uh... I can see them.

Yeah. Did they see me?

Yeah. We did. Yes.

Hi.

See? This is how we do's it.

We're adults enjoying our adult day, right?

And the child walks behind us, happy to be out of the house.

When we get home and Natalie slips into her soccer uniform

with no protest at all, we're gonna be heroes, Max.

Heroes, like Bono. She hasn't spoken in a while, though.

Should we be concerned?

Absolutely not. If she's hungry or thirsty, she'll ask.

I'm hungry.

- See? Boom. - Mm.

Okay, you have to try this. It's caviar with goat cheese

on a rosemary crisp.

That looks like bird poop.

I wanna leave. This place is boring.

This most certainly is not boring.

There's dozens of tastings, and there's a discussion

on home brining, and the skip Dickerson trio

is about to start a set in 20 minutes.

- Ugh! - (Singsongy) Well, you are really missing out.

The goat! I wanna pet the goat!

Oh, no, honey. That's just a display goat.

We don't pet strange goats.