Mom

Candy cane pie is so good.

I wish they served it all year round.

I think the reason we love candy canes so much

is because they give you the same feeling

as rubbing coke on your gums.

It kind of does.

And I won't be up vacuuming naked at 3:00 in the morning.

I know what I want for Christmas.

A videotape of Marjorie on cocaine.

Well, there wouldn't be videos.

It'd be chiseled on a cave wall.

What are you guys doing on Christmas Eve?

Anyone want to come caroling with me and my church group?

No, no-no, no, no-no, no-no.

But thanks for asking.

Ah, I wish we could, but we've got plans.

- With each other. - On Christmas.

Can you believe it?

Adam's working, so we're gonna make gingerbread houses

and watch movies in matching jammies.

You don't know how hard it was

to find footie pajamas in her size.

Or how easy it was to find 'em in hers.

Well, if anybody wants to come sing,

we hit Bluebird Lane around 7:00.

Oh, it's my sponsee.

I have to take it. She totally relies on me.

Hi, Patty. How can I put my life on hold

while I help you today?

She calls her four times a day.

Well, I'm gonna be calling you a ton 'cause I'm in freefall.

Andy took off to Minnesota to spend Christmas with his mother.

Well, why didn't you go with him?

There's lots of reasons, Tammy.

The big one being he didn't invite me.

I mean, if you and I were dating,

and you were going home for the holidays,

you would take me, wouldn't you?

It depends. Are we exclusive?

Does every date end in a sleepover?

Have we taken a bath together?

Yes to all three.

Well, then I would definitely take you home

and parade you around the local Applebee's.

Oh, I don't know what Applebee's is,

but Tammy's a good boyfriend.

Patty's going through a rough patch,

so I invited her to spend Christmas with us.

Oh. Well,

Christmas with me, my mom and a stranger.

In fact, why doesn't everyone come over Christmas Eve?

It might help cheer Patty up.

You want to go to this party, baby?

'Cause if you not, we can stay home and snuggle.

*MOM* Season 07 Episode 10

*MOM* Title : "Higgledy-Piggledy and a Cat Show"

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?

I'm setting up the coffee.

But everything's all higgledy-piggledy.

Look, I didn't go to college.

What does that mean?

It means the stir sticks go here,

and the sweeteners go here.

Talk about higgy-wiggy.

I mean, most people are right-handed.

It makes more sense to do it this way.

Ugh. But we're alcoholics.

You can't just go changing things,

'cause we don't like change!

Look, Bonnie's running a little late.

She asked me to handle it. I'm handling it!

Okay. Marjorie, can you tell Tammy to stop moving the stir sticks!

Oh, God, she moved the stir sticks?

No!

And this is where we have our meetings.

It's also where they have

bingo, country line dancing and, uh, CPR classes.

I came on the wrong day once, and now I can Heimlich a baby.

My baby's eight years old.

I'm not allowed to see her.

Nice job, Christy.

Everyone, this is Patty, my sponsee.

Come meet Patty, my sponsee.

Patty, this is Marjorie, Jill, Tammy, Wendy.

This is my sponsee, Patty, the woman who I sponsor.

Hi.Hi. Welcome.

Hi. Nice to meet you.

I'm gonna sit down.

If you think she seems sad now,

you should have seen her before I started working my magic.

Okay, what dumb-ass got creative with the stir sticks?

I thought I was handling my boyfriend abandoning me

at Christmas pretty well.

But then he sent me a picture of him and his mom.

S-Sweet, right?

But if you zoom in close on his left arm,

you can clearly see three fingers

that belong to a lady who was obviously cropped out.

Um, I'm trying not to obsess over what is probably nothing,

but who is she?

Who is she?

Who is she?!

Anyway, if I'm not here tomorrow,

I'm in Minneapolis with blood on my hands. Thanks.

Would anybody else like to share?

I hated when you did this to me,

but it's fun doing it to someone else.

Go ahead.

Hi. I'm Patty, and I'm an alcoholic.

- Hi, Patty. - Hi, Patty. - Hi, Patty. - Hi, Patty.

I have 85 days,

which is the longest I've ever had,

thanks to my incredible sponsor.

I called her yesterday because my mom told me

that she won't let me see my daughter at Christmas.

I got wasted before lunch, knocked over the Christmas tree,

and then I started screaming at my mom.

My kid spent most of the day crying.

I thought

having 85 days might buy me a second chance.

It didn't.

So, what's the point of having 85 days?

That's it.

Hi, I'm Marjorie, alcoholic.

- Hi, Marjorie. - Hi, Marjorie. - Hi, Marjorie. - Hi, Marjorie.

This time of year just makes me extra grateful

for my life and the people in it.

Take a look at that hand.

Am I overreacting?

But now,

It's a 30-hour drive.

Wear a diaper, go straight through.

Thanks for sharing your room with me.

Mm. No problem.

This is sort of like we're sisters.

Oh, my God. That would make Bonnie my mom.

Oh, I wish Bonnie was my mom.

When I was a kid, I would say the same thing.

Girls, it's late.

Keep it down or invite me in.

- We'll be quiet. - Come on in!

Well, how you holding up?

Well, I'm okay, I guess.

I'm just sad that when my daughter looks back

on this Christmas,

all she's gonna remember is that I wasn't there.

Or worse, she'll remember the years I was.

I know it's hard to imagine right now,

but one day, you guys might be able

to look back and laugh at this stuff,

even the most painful parts.

We do it constantly.

Ooh, remember that time when I was 11?

You're gonna have to be more specific.

Christmas Eve.

This one goes out with her new boyfriend of 48 hours

to buy a few last-minute presents.

Oh, come on now. Not that story.

No, it's funny, it's funny, it's funny.

Turns out, there's a bar right next to the Toys "R" Us,

and I wake up Christmas morning in an empty house.

Around noon, the phone rings.

It's a collect call, so I'm thinking

she's in jail again, but no.

No, no. No, she got into a fight with Dad of the Week,

and needs me to go pick her up

at the park where she passed out.

I'm 11.

So, I drive over and get her.

In my defense, she was an excellent driver.

Still is.Thanks.

That's incredible.

Not done.

On the way back home, we stopped at a gas station

where I bought my own Christmas presents...

Two Milky Ways and a Teen Bopmagazine

with a fold-out poster of Kirk Cameron.

I believe there was also a Yoo-hoo involved.

Yes, yes, yes. Yoo-hoo.

Nothing says Christmas like chocolate milk

that doesn't need to be refrigerated.

Okay, this has been fun, but if I'm not asleep

when Adam comes home, he'll want to talk about his day.

Oh. Oh, oh. Oh! I forgot the best part.

That night, she gets drunk again, eats my Milky Ways

and then puts her chocolatey fingers all over my magazine.

For the record, I didn't get drunk again. I got high.

Sweet dreams.

Hmm.

Your mom is awesome.

I feel like everyone who lives

in my gingerbread house is really happy.

Now they're all dead.

I'm thinking they got out okay.

No, they're all pinned under the rubble,

and the cell service is bad.

Something bothering you, Patty?

My mom won't even let me talk to Erica on the phone.

I'm sorry.

If it makes you feel any better, my daughter won't talk to me,