Friends

- Hey. - Hi.

- What are you doing? - I was thinking of moving the couch.

Why would you want to do that?

So there'd be a decent place for me to sit?

- Rach, there is a decent place. - And your lap does not count.

- Come on, help me move this. - No, no, no.

- No? - No.

Rosita does not move.

I'm sorry. Rosita? As in...?

As in "Rosita does not move."

It's just a chair. What's the big deal?

It's the exact equal distance from the bathroom to the kitchen...

...and it's at an angle where you don't get any glare coming off Stevie.

Stevie the TV?

- Is there a problem? - No.

What does he know?

Come on, Rosita. Us chicas gotta stick together.

You bitch!

The One Where Rosita Dies

Hey, you know what's weird?

After you guys get married, when you introduce me to people...

...you're gonna have to say, "This is my brother-in-law, Ross."

Not "my friend, Ross," "brother-in-law, Ross."

That's weird, isn't it?

Couldn't I just say, "This is Ross"?

Sure, do whatever you want.

Hey, Ross?

I checked the real estate section.

Look at this.

Looks like Mom and Dad's house.

Even has a tree with a broken limb out front.

And the window in the attic...

Oh, my God!

What happened to the window in the attic?

- I can't believe they're selling it. - And they didn't tell us.

What happened to the window in the attic?

Hello, Dad? Monica and I just saw the house in the paper.

Yes, we're surprised.

Who did you leave a message with?

Sorry!

Joey, Joey, I'm so sorry.

I told you not to move it! How would you feel if, say...

...I wanted to move your mom, okay...

...and you said, "Don't," and I did it anyway...

...and her head fell off?

I'll buy you a new one, okay?

We'll go to the store and get you a new chair right now.

She's not even cold yet.

Wouldn't Rosita have wanted you to move on?

I mean, you know, she did always put your comfort first.

That's true.

- Okay, you ready? - Yeah.

I don't want Stevie to see her like this.

I can't believe we have to say goodbye to the house we grew up in.

Man, some stranger's gonna be in my room.

For 15 years they kept it as a shrine to you.

It's time the velvet ropes came down.

They kept your room a while.

Please! Dad turned my room into a gym 20 minutes after I moved out.

I gotta say, a tanning bed and a stack of Victoria's Secret catalogs?

Not a gym.

- Come on. You know they love you. - As much as they love you?

They thought she was barren until I was born. It's not my fault.

I hate this year.

What's wrong with this year?

It's February and I've only given two massages...

...and they were both horrible tippers.

That was me and Ross.

Oh, that's right.

If you want some extra cash...

...some college friends made good money doing telemarketing.

That's a great idea. You're really good on the phone.

It'd be better than the last telephone job I had.

I probably won't have to say "spank" as much.

What?

Oh, yeah, like you never called.

This is very easy. You read from the script...

...and try to sell as much toner as you can.

Okay, I can do that.

By the way, I love my office.

- Why don't we do a trial run? - Oh, okay.

All right.

Hi, this is Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies.

- Can I speak to your supply manager? - I'm the supply manager.

I'd like to talk about your toner needs.

We don't need any.

Okay, sorry to bother you. Bye-bye.

Yeah, you're right. This is easy.

Okay. What was wrong with that call?

Oh, well, all right.

No offense, but you were kind of rude.

They always say they don't need toner. That's okay.

Whatever they say, you can find the answer to it, here in the script.

So I think you're ready to sell toner.

- Do you have any last questions? - No.

Wait, yes, I do have one question:

What is toner?

Joey?

Joe?

Full bag?

Beer's still cold.

Something terrible must have happened here.

Oh, no, no, no!

Stevie, I was never here.

- Dad? - I'm here!

- Hey. - Hi.

Seems like just yesterday you guys used to come out to watch me work.

We can't believe you're selling the house.

Time for a new family to start here.

I hope their check clears before they find the crack...

...in the foundation and the asbestos in the ceiling.

Let's grab our stuff and get the hell out of here.

- Sorry we can't store your things. - Oh, it's okay.

I can't wait to see everything again.

I don't know what's down here.

But there are six or seven Easy-Bake Ovens in the attic.

I used to love to play restaurant.

Not as much as you loved to play "uncooked batter eater."

You can't expect a child to wait for a light bulb to cook brownies.

So I think your boxes are over here.

Oh, great.

Hey...

...whose cigarettes are these?

I don't know.

They must be your mother's.

But please, please don't ask her. I'll throw these away.

Cool! Dad, my report cards!

Hey, check this out.

Math, "A." Science, "A." History, "A." Gym...

My rock polisher!

Oh, look, there's your old makeup kit.

It's a clown kit. Clown kit!

But the white seems to be untouched.

- Uh-oh. - What?

You know how the garage floods every spring?

How are you ever gonna sell this place?

I think I accidentally used Monica's boxes...

...to keep the water away from the Porsche.

Oh, no, Dad. Dad?

What the...

Oh, God. Everything's ruined!

Dad, she's gonna be crushed.

You don't secretly smoke, do you?

No.

So it's just your mother then.

Hi. This is Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies.

Can I speak to your supply manager, please?

Earl. Thanks.

Hi, Earl. This is Phoebe from Empire Office Supplies.

I'd like to talk to you about your toner needs.

I don't need any toner.

I hear what you're saying, but at our prices, everyone needs toner.

Not me.

May I ask why?

You want to know why?

You want to know why?

I surely do.

Okay.

I don't need any toner...

...because I'm gonna kill myself.

Is that because you're out of toner?

Okay, so no toner today. Thanks anyway. Bye-bye.

Wait, wait! I can't let you hang up. Just please talk to me.

Well...

I only had one thing to do today.

I guess I could push it back.

Yeah. Now, why do you want to kill yourself?

I've been working for 10 years now at this...

...meaningless, dead-end job...

...and nobody here even knows that I exist.

Chandler?

I'm sorry?

Look...

...I'm sure that people know you exist.

Oh, yeah? I work in a cubicle...

...surrounded by people.

I've been talking to you for five minutes now about killing myself...

...and no one's even looked up from their desk. Hang on.

Hey, everybody...

...I'm gonna kill myself.

I'll get back to you.

I got nothing.

Wait.

Hey, Marge.

Nothing. Nothing.

Good chair.

Now, if anybody asks...

...your name is Rosita.

Come on, Joey. I just bought you a new chair, the most expensive one in the store.

You know what I was thinking? We could name her Francette.

Francette?

What is she, a couch?

Poor thing. Cut down in her prime.

Joey, the new chair will be here in an hour.

Maybe we should move Rosita out of here.

Start the healing process.

Yeah, I guess you're right.

Maybe I'll take her down to the incinerator.

It's gonna be so sad.

And kind of cool.