Two and a Half Men

- What are you doin' here? - I got a weekend pass.

So I took a train in to surprise you guys.

- Hi, soldier. - Hello.

You must be Jake. I'm sleeping in your room.

Well, God bless America.

You are just so sweet.

I swear, I could just eat you up

but you know, then I'd probably get a sugar rush.

- Missi still sleepin'? - Nah, she's in the shower.

Oops.

I get another pass in, like, a month

so maybe we can see each other then.

- I sort of have a boyfriend. - A boyfriend?

But I thought you..

Goodbye, Jake.

Don't be a hero.

What the hell just happened?

- Hey. - Hey.

Wait. I thought you had a date with Lyndsey tonight.

Oh, yeah, I was supposed to

but, uh, we decided to take a little break.

How come?

Oh, I'm not privy to that information.

Uh, all I was told is, we need to take a break.

So, what, you're supposed to just wait around

until she decides that you're worthy

of being in her presence again?

Or until she needs her rain gutters cleaned out.

And-and that's not a euphemism.

See, this is the kind of crap

you gotta put up with when you're in a relationship.

Oh, but-but it's a small price to pay for love

companionship and a parking spot

for the pink Prius.

It's hard to believe that Lyndsey needed a break from you.

If you will excuse me

I have a date with an extra large meat lover.

That did not sound right.

I ordered a pizza.

- Walden! - Missi.

I am so sorry to show up unannounced

but me and my mom got in this huge fight

over whether or not I should pay rent to stay at her house.

And I said, "Fine, but if I pay rent

then your stupid boyfriend should too."

He said, "Don't sass your mother."

I said, "Do not tell me what to do.

I am six months older than you."

Anyway, you said I was welcome here any time I want

so, ding-dong, here I am.

Alan!

- How are you? - I'm good.

What brings you here?

- No! No! - Me and my..

Hey!

Jake, what are you doing here?

I got a weekend pass.

Missi?

What are you doing here?

Jake?

What a surprise!

- I'm suspicious. - You think?

I still just can't get over this coincidence.

I mean, what are the odds?

The same weekend I come home, Missi just happ--

Jake, let it go.

Missi, help me out here. I thought you guys broke up.

We did, but then Jake sent me this giant cookie he baked

that was shaped like a heart, and it said, "I Missi you"

and I just melted.

Well, you know, I can't take all the credit.

The cookie was loaded with pot.

So, uh..

...Jake, you wanna go to your bedroom and unpack?

Uh, that's okay. I don't really have much.

Well, then maybe

you could help me unpack.

Why?

Dude, she's not really talking

about unpacking.

Oh, oh, okay, yeah

I could definitely go for a good unpacking.

Well, then, come on.

Hey, um, maybe later we could go for a walk on the beach.

Oh, yeah!

She means an actual walk on the beach!

- That's it. I'm out of here. - Where are you going?

Someplace quiet.

What are you talking about? It's quiet here.

Wait for it.

'Jake, slow down.'

'There's a zipper on this thing.'

Oh, God, I can't hear my son having sex.

Much better.

Wow!

- Excuse me? - I'm sorry.

That-that was involuntary.

I just think you're very beautiful.

Thank you.

If we weren't in a library, I would have applauded.

Got it.

Thanks.

I'm sorry. What are you doing here?

Nobody goes to the library anymore.

Oh, it's one of the few places that I can go to

where strange men don't hit on me.

Oh.

Sorry. I just..

I'll leave you alone.

I come here 'cause they have a great collection

of Thomas Edison diaries.

They're very illuminating.

Get it? Thomas Edison's?

The light bulb?

Never mind.

Just for the record, I wasn't hitting on you.

I was just making small talk.

Duly noted.

The last thing I would want to do is hit on anyone.

I'm-I'm kind of taking a timeout from the whole

boy meets girl, girl dumps boy

boy doubts his worth as a human being thing.

- Okay. - Okay.

Oh, for God's sake. Would you like to join me?

Oh, no, no, no. I don't wanna impose.

Just get over here.

- Walden. - Whitney.

Hi. So, Whitney, tell me about yourself.

What do you do?

Um, I'm an actress.

Oh, yeah. How's that goin'?

Not so good.

I haven't worked in almost two years.

Ooh.

Tough business or are you just not talented?

What do you mean, am I just not talented?

You don't know me, you don't know what I can do.

You're lucky that I don't reach under this table right now

rip off your balls and feed them to you for dinner.

I'm sorry. My bad.

And scene.

- Hey. - Hey.

- Where's Missi? - She's unpacking.

- You know, for real. - Right.

I'm-I'm glad you're having fun.

Oh, I am. I can't imagine ever being with anyone else.

Yeah, yeah, I remember that feelin'.

You, uh, kiss a girl, see fireworks

and fall head over heels in love

and then, one day you wake up in a cold, loveless marriage

with a soul sucking shrew

who makes you wish for an early death.

Oh, you realize you're talking about my mother?

Yeah. So you get it.

So, anyway, after I moved out to Los Angeles

I promised myself I'd give it two years

and if I wasn't a star by then

I'd move home and get a real job.

So how much time do you have left?

Eleven days.

Well, that's four more than God took.

God didn't have my agent.

Listen, if I could hire you to act, I would.

Thank you. I appreciate that.

You know, what if I could hire you?

For what?

Well, stick with me 'cause I'm just thinking out loud here.

You see, here's the thing.

I'm a serial monogamist

but I'm not very good at relationships

'cause they're emotional

and they get messy, people fall in and out of love

and somebody always ends up crying.

And that's usually me.

Walden, I'm not gonna date you.

Oh, no, I-I don't want you to date me.

What if I hired you to play

the role of my girlfriend?

You think I'm a hooker?

No. No. No. No sex.

Uh, you know, take sex off the table.

In fact, take it off the table

the car, the floor, the bed

the windmill at the putt-putt golf course.

Okay, so

I'm supposed to just believe that some random guy

that I meet in the public library is going to pay me

to be his sex-free companion?

How does this not end with my head in a freezer?

- Google me. - What?

Walden Schmidt. Google me.

Wow, that's a lot of zeros.

Are you really a-a genius entrepreneur, philanthropist?

I also fight crime.

What do you say?

You know how weird this is, right?

What is weird about wanting to control every aspect

of a relationship by using money as a weapon?

Okay, let me rephrase that.

How does five grand a week sound?