Baby Daddy

Ooh. Hello, Emma.

Hello.

Or should I say, halo!

Oh, how will people know it's Christmas without my little Christmas angel?

Oh, I think they'll know.

People on other planets will know.

Can I take this off now?

I keep getting shocked and my heart is beating weird.

Yeah. Yeah. I probably wouldn't sweat too much in that thing.

Grandpa learned the hard way. You know- (Mimics electrocution)

"God, I love Christmas shopping,"

said never, by no one.

I have been poked, prodded, and peed on.

My eyelids are frozen, my fingers are numb,

and I haven't felt my left foot for the last two hours.

The only goods news is is that I got a special someone

a certain something that they really, really wanted this Christmas.

- You got me those speakers? - And that camera?

A time machine and better taste in men?

I was talking about my daughter,

but apparently, I forgot to buy a few things.

Oh God, I'll be back before new years.

Seriously, mom? Fake snow?

Well, I'm sorry, but the real stuff kept melting.

- (Baby whines) - I know.

- Merry Christmas! - (Door closes)

- Bye. - Bye!

Okay, so what should I make for Christmas dinner this year?

Your mother has passed on the sacred responsibility

of preparing the holiday meal to me.

To me.

Oh my God. What was I thinking?

The same thing we'll be thinking after we take the first bite,

we've made a terrible mistake.

Okay, if my measurements for the tree are correct,

we should be able to fit a 41-footer. Ha!

What do you think?

I think an actual ladder would be better at math.

Well, I freed our Christmas costumes.

Granted, I had to flash Dan, the storage guy, a 20,

among other things,

but look what I found, Benji.

Oh, your old angel wings.

No, thanks. Last time I worse those it was fifth grade

and somebody beat the crap out of me.

I am so sorry about that.

Well, I think they're perfect for the Christmas Pageant.

- The Christmas what? - Pageant.

The one you signed me up for at Emma's daycare center.

Oh, is that what that was?

They're always bugging me for something over there.

All right, well promise me you won't dress Emma up in anything too crazy.

If I recall, this is the age where kids start to feel shame.

She's a Wheeler,

we wear our shame like a comfy, old sweater.

Which reminds me, wear yours to the Pageant because you're in it.

Ho, ho. No I'm not.

Yeah, I'm here.

I'm telling you right now, I'm not doing this stupid show in this stupid outfit.

- It's stupid. - (Scoffs)

I think you look adorable.

Doesn't he look adorable?

Stop it, mom, you're embarrassing me.

Okay, people. Focus in.

Leave your tasks. Come, come.

I'm Hermione Pimstock, your Pageant director,

and today is your lucky day.

I have attended over a dozen Broadway productions.

Oh, wow.

Yes.

Bravo.

Thank you. Just call me your Christmas angel.

What are you supposed to be?

Well, I'm your virgin Mary,

and I can handle anything you throw at me.

I bet you can, though I doubt any of it ends with you being a virgin.

Okay, God picked her for a reason.

Mom, mom, mom. Nobody wants to hear your theory

on why Mary had to be hot.

- Okay. - (Phone vibrating)

Oh, well isn't this just a slice of Christmas crap pie?

Walt and Susie Chesterbaum are out.

They're our big musical finale.

Damn it! Walt Chesterbaum is the premier Jesus

on the eastern seaboard.

Ugh! Okay.

Excuse me.

Oh, Benji...

What do you say we put the old Wheeler band back together,

and we blow the roof off this joint?

Mom, the Wheeler band hasn't been together

since we literally blew that roof off that joint.

Fine, honey,

if you really don't want to do it.

- I really don't want to do it. - Yeah, but who asked you?

Hermione wait! I've got the perfect finally act.

the Wheeler band, and we are gonna blow the roof off this joint.

Bonnie: You got fire insurance, right?

All right, let's get down to business and strategize

for operation get the perfect tree.

I wanted to call it operation needle.

Well, I changed it.

Oh my God, this holiday can't be over fast enough.

Whoever said this was the most wonderful time of year

should be clubbed with a candy cane.

I get the first whack.

Well, that is a lovely holiday sentiment, Ben,

but right now I need to download you on operation needle.

Oh, fine. You were right.

All right, pay attention. There is a new shipment coming in today at 4:00

to the lot on ninth by the bodega with the reindeer on the roof.

- Got it? - 9:00 on fourth.

4:00 on ninth.

- With a Santa in the window. - I'm gonna start again.

Why does everyone have to make everything so complicated...

Between the tree, and the decorations, and the shopping,

and that stupid Pageant.

Plus, the only thing I was actually looking forward to, Christmas dinner,

is guaranteed to be ruined since mom is letting Riley cook,

and the only things that she knows how to make

are dry muffins and burnt toast.

- She's standing right behind me, isn't she? - Yup.

Riley, I'm sorry. I didn't mean it.

You're an amazing cook.

Look, see?

Mm, it's delicious.

I'm just trying to do something nice for the family

that always made me feel special at Christmas.

Oh, I thought you were cooking for us.

Well, let me help.

I can taste the ingredients before you put them all together and ruin them.

Boop.

Okay, I do need to run to the store.

Can you keep an eye on the pies for me? They are almost done.

But, hey, aren't you supposed to be helping Danny and Tucker?

Oh, trust me, they're fine. How hard is it to get a tree?

Danny! Danny, a little help here, please!

I'm trying!

Ow! Where the hell is Ben?

This is my tree! It's mine!

Okay, I will be back in 20.

They added another rehearsal for this Pageant.

I knew I should have worked a Christmas shift.

Eyes on the pies, Wheeler. Eyes on the pies.

- (Door closes) - Well, there's a Christmas gift I can get myself.

Hey, hey, it's Ben. I was just wondering

if you still need someone to work Christmas.

Yes! Yes, I'm in!

In fact, make it a double. (Laughs)

My shift today?

Right now? Yeah, no, I'm on my way, sir. I just...

I was just picking up your Christmas present.

You like... plants, right?

Hey.

Aren't you that whiny angel with the slutty mom?

Why weren't you at rehearsal?

Oh, yeah. Turns out I had to work. Darn it.

- I got a kid to support, you know. - (Groans)

Totally forgot to have kids.

Look at this tree, Ben. Look at it!

You abandoned us out there. They almost tore Tucker in half.

My hands are permanently curled like a pathetic plastic action figure.

Really, Ben?

You're working on Christmas?

What about the daycare Pageant?

Do you wanna just look your daughter in the eyes

and tell her that there is no Christmas this year?

I'm sorry, Emma. There's no Christmas this year.

She seems cool.

Ben Wheeler. Ooh, you smell that?

That is the scent of Christmas dinner, ruined!

Okay, do you mind? I was kind of in the middle of berating my son.

Well, get in line, lady. Look at my hands!

What did you say?

- (Overlapping shouting) - (Groans)

I swear, my life would be so much better if this stupid holiday didn't exist.

I'll drink to that.

No, seriously, can I drink to that?

Oh.

Oh, hey, tuck. Look man, I'm really sorry about the...

What the hell happened to all the decorations?

What decorations?

Oh, okay, I get it. Bah, humbug.

Well, the joke's on you because I really don't care about Christmas.

Chris who? What are you talking about?

Never mind. Did Emma get to sleep okay?

- Who's Emma? - (Scoffs) Very funny.

Oh, wait. Is Emma that new chick you're dating?

Hey, see if she's got any friends who like sensitive guys

who are extremely flexible.

Okay, where is she? I'm not playing around.

- Where is who? - My daughter.

Dude, you don't have a daughter.

Tucker, this isn't funny, where is Emma?

Oh, you're hiding her in Danny's room aren't you? This is so not cool, man.

Not cool.

Oh, look who it is, Mr. never-buys-toilet paper.

Who the hell are you, and where's Danny?

Uh, he moved out a year ago when he couldn't pay his rent.

What? Look, I don't care.