Ted 2

我們經常聽到… We are often told...

「從此幸福快樂」 只會發生在童話故事裏 that happily ever afters exist only in the pages of fairy tales...

或只有涉世未深的白癡才會相信 and in the naive minds of sheltered innocents.

但就在波士頓這個艷陽高照的下午 And yet, on this bright, sunny Boston afternoon,

會說話的泰迪熊竟然要結婚了 a talking teddy bear is about to marry his girlfriend,

這印證了兩件事 proving two things:

人人都可以美夢成真 Happy endings can come true for anyone,

以及美國啥鳥事都有 and America doesn't give a shit about anything.

你 泰米琳·麥卡弗蒂… Do you, Tami-Lynn McCafferty,

願意成為這位泰迪熊的合法妻子嗎？ take this teddy bear to be your lawfully wedded husband?

我願意 I do.

你 泰迪 願意成為她的合法丈夫嗎？ And do you, Ted, take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?

我他媽的願意 Fuckin'-A right, I do!

憑藉著我與生俱來的權力 Then, by the power vested in me,

正式宣佈你們結為夫妻 你可以親小熊了 I now pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bear.

謝啦 夥伴 Thank you, folks!

我們暫停一下 接下來交給DJ耐雪德 We're gonna take a short break and pass things over to DJ Nightshade.

各位先生女士 歡迎新人出場！ Ladies and gentlemen, your newlyweds!

泰迪 這是我最開心的一天！ Teddy, this is the best day of my life.

我好愛你 I just love you so much.

我也愛你 寶貝 I love you too, baby.

我今晚要來個泰迪熊的五十道陰影 I'm gonna go 50 shades of bear on you tonight.

-我們去喝個爛醉 -好啊 -Let's go get shit-faced. -Okay.

謝謝 Thank you.

-嘿 恭喜你們啊 -嗨 蓋 -Hey, congrats, you mofos. -Oh. Hey, Guy.

-婚禮辦得不錯 -謝謝你來參加 -Beautiful ceremony. -Oh, thank you so much for being a part of it.

他是我的新男友瑞克 Hey, this is my new boyfriend, Rick.

-你好嗎？ -好極了 -How you doing? -Good, good.

他是五星主廚 所以超會做沙拉（舔屁眼）的 He's a gourmet chef, so he knows how to toss a salad.

我們快要結婚（打結）了 Rick and I are actually about to tie the knot.

你們要結婚了？ Oh, you guys are getting married?

不 我們只是要回家把老二綁在一起 No, we're just gonna go home and tie our dicks together.

-干死你 -干死你 -Fuck you. -Fuck you.

一言為定 Deal.

不！不！我說不要滑步舞 No! No! I said no Electric Slide!

該死 別顧著自己爽 Goddamn it, you will not wreck this night...

而破壞今晚白佬們開心 with your forced white people group fun!

老兄 你還好吧？你看起來有點不開心 Hey, buddy. You okay there? You look a little down.

該不會從單身派對宿醉到現在吧？ Are you still shaking off that hangover from the bachelor party?

噢！ 太棒了 Oh! That's nice.

媽呀 有沒有這麼欠干啊？ Oh, my God. She's fucking begging for it!

真的很欠干 快上啊 She's totally begging. Get it. Get in there.

你們看 她超飢渴的 Look at her. She wants it bad!

假叫餐真約炮吧？ Oh, yeah. She wants more than just a fucking pizza delivery, huh?

它比一般的熊還要大上許多 That's bigger than the average bear right there, I'll tell you.

我們不應該在這裏起哄的 You know what's fucked up?

它也是誰家的女兒好嗎！ Dude, that's somebody's fucking daughter!

靠！天啊！拜託！ Shit! Jesus! Come on!

你知道嗎 強尼？有可能是他的女兒 You know what, Johnny? It's entirely possible it's his daughter.

這是他上工作的原因 That's how it works out there.

我沒事 我只是在想蘿莉 I'm fine. I was... thinking about Lori.

我知道 我只是… I know, I know. It's just that...

回到同一間結婚教堂 Being back in that church again?

我們明明會很幸福的 I mean, everything seemed like it was gonna be so perfect.

娶錯人是常有的事 Yeah. You're not the first guy to marry the wrong girl.

嘿聽著 今晚別因為她而不開心 好嗎？這是個趴踢 Hey, listen, don't let her drag you down tonight. Okay? This is a party.

抱歉 兄弟 我不想搞壞你的大日子 I'm sorry, buddy. I don't mean to mess up your big day.

什麼？別開玩笑了 你不是唯一一個想搞砸的 What? You kiddin'? You're not the one messing it up.

看看湯米林在輪椅上的混蛋兄弟 Check out Tami-Lynn's asshole brother in the wheelchair.

如果不跟我一起跳舞 你就是個怪物 If you don't dance with me, you're a monster!

小心點 你這個沒長眼的 Watch it, you fuckin' tool!

你的大日子！ Hey, hey! Big day, huh, bud?

想搞些東西來慶祝嗎？ You guys wanna celebrate with a little something else, hmm?

不 謝謝 山姆 Oh. No, thanks, Sam.

如果我在婚禮上嗑藥 泰米琳會殺了我 Tami-Lynn would kill me if I did drugs on our wedding day.

她不會發現的 Aw, she won't notice.

我才在男廁跟別人吸了一條 I just did a line with a dude in the men's room,

你絕對不知道是在場哪位 and I bet you can't even spot him.

還是算了 Yeah, I'm gonna pass.

嘿 嘿 來幹些爽事吧 讓你嗨一點 Hey, hey, what do you say we do the thing, huh? That'll cheer you up.

-我們開干吧 -走你 -Fuck it. Let's do it. -There he is!

大伙看這裏 請各位看一下這裏好嗎？ Attention, everyone. May I have your attention, please?

強尼和我準備了非常特別的給各位 Johnny and I have prepared something very special for you here.

讓我們跳吧 各位 Let's have it, fellas.

耶！ Yeah!

今天是我這輩子最開心的一天！ This is the best day of my life!

「一年後」

我好餓 你到底在幹嘛？ I'm starving! What the hell are you doing over there?

我在治療癌癥 I'm curing cancer.

我在煎你的牛排 不然我在幹嘛？ I'm cooking your fucking steak. What do you think I'm doing?

你在幹嘛？ What do I think you do?

把錢花光光啊 I think you're bleeding us dry is what I think you're doing.

你在百貨公司刷了129元 Look at this. $129 at Filene's Basement.

你買了什麼？金條嗎？ What are you buyin' over there, Tami? Gold bars?

上班要穿像樣點的衣服 好嗎？ I need clothes for work. All right, Teddy?

你什麼意思？ What do you mean?

穿圍裙就好 你他媽只是一個收銀員 You wear a smock. You're a fucking cashier.

你不也是！ Yeah, so are you.

對啊 但我才沒買什麼名牌衣服！ Yeah, exactly! And I'm not going out and buying designer shit!

當然沒有！ No, no, no, no, no!

你只會買大麻和毒品 還有臉說 You're just buying weed. You're just buying drugs. You should fucking talk!

我還沒說完 我才說到一半你就打斷我 I was talking. I was just talking, just now, until you interrupted me.

我不打斷你 你就會他媽的講到天亮！ I have to interrupt you or else I never get to fucking say anything!

-要讓我說完嗎？ -你一直打斷我！ -Are you gonna let me finish talking? -You're always cutting me off!

要讓我說完嗎？ Are you gonna let me finish talking?

你知道嗎？ You know what?

-要讓我說完嗎？ -上班就是要打扮 -Are you gonna let me finish talking? -It's important to look good at work.

我在公司很努力的想往上爬！ I am trying to climb the corporate fence here!

超市裏才沒有人要看你的屁股！ Nobody's in there to look at your ass!

你有夠混蛋！ You're acting like an asshole!

我有夠怎樣？ 我有夠怎樣？ What am I actin' like, Tami? What am I actin' like?

你真他媽混蛋！ Like an asshole!

幹嘛穿得像女明星？明明只是個收銀員 You don't got to dress like Elizabeth Taylor to put a yam in a plastic bag!

我是公司的門面好嗎？ I am the face of the business, okay?

公司的門面？天啊！ The face of the business? Jesus Christ!

你說的什麼屁話！你有妄想癥！ Listen to you! You're delusional!

我真該嫁給羅伯特·迪奇寇的 I should've married Robert DiCicco. I really should've.

好啊！去折磨那個混蛋！ Fine! Fine! Go torture that asshole!

他對我就很好！ He treated me good.

而且人家有雞雞 一根超大的雞雞！ And... He had a dick! He had an awesome dick!

新聞快訊！波士頓婊子見過意大利雞雞 News flash! Boston whore has seen Italian penis.

你他媽的剛叫我什麼 爛人？ What the fuck did you just call me, fucker?

-你說我什麼？ -他媽的搞什麼？ -What did you fucking say? -What the fuck?

你竟然罵我婊子？ You wanna call me a whore?

-你喜歡丟東西嗎？ -對 我就是喜歡 -You wanna throw shit? -Yeah, I wanna fucking throw shit!

那我也來丟！ I'll fucking throw shit! There, see?

你看！怎樣啊？ How do you like that?

我好怕喔 泰迪！ Oh, I'm scared, Teddy!

我真他媽的好怕你喔 沒用的小熊！ I'm really fucking scared of you, you little fucking bear!

-你們給我閉嘴！ -搞屁啊！ -Shut the fuck up! -For Christ's sake!

你才給我閉嘴！ Hey, you shut the fuck up!

你那麼強就下來讓我閉嘴啊？ Why don't you come down and make me, tough guy.

你那麼強就上來讓我閉嘴啊？ Why don't you come up here and make me come down there, tough guy?

我真的會上去打爆你的頭！ I am gonna come up there, and I'm gonna kick your fucking ass!

那就試試看 快上來扁我啊！ Try it, asshole. Get your ass up here and kick my ass!

你他媽的閉嘴 死賤貨！ Shut the fuck up, you stupid bitch!

閉嘴 臭女人！ Shut up! Bitch!

滾回去俄羅斯 婊子！ Rolling back to Moscow, whore.

-給我滾！ -我們還要睡覺的！ -Get the fuck out of here. -People're trying to sleep.

-媽的！ -給我閉嘴！ -God damn it. -Shut the fuck up!

-真不好意思！ -我也是 -Hey, I'm really sorry! -Yeah, me, too.

-她更沒水準 -沒錯 她是我們共同的敵人 -She's worse than us. -She's our enemy now.

你們至少有試過婚姻咨詢吧？ Have you guys at least tried marriage therapy?

天啊 有啊 真是個該死的災難 Oh, God, yeah. It was a frigging disaster.

花了250元 什麼也沒學到 $250 and we didn't learn a goddamn thing.

250元？太誇張了吧！ 250? Dude, that's ridiculous!

你的保險沒有理賠嗎？ Doesn't your insurance cover that or something?

沒 泰米琳試著上網登記歐巴馬健保 Nah, Tami-Lynn tried to sign up for Obamacare on the Internet,

我才離開五分鐘 她就已經盯著黑人的屌看 but I came back five minutes later, she was looking at black cocks.

似乎上網點兩下就能輕易看到黑人的屌 It seems like every time you go online, you're two clicks away from black cocks.

不信你看 Look. See?

我搜尋「大峽谷」 I'll Google "Grand Canyon."

它竟然問我「你要搜尋黑屌嗎？」 Here. Look, it says, "Did you mean black cocks?"

不知道耶 我必須做些什麼事 不然我的婚姻就毀了 I don't know, man. I got to do something or my marriage is gonna collapse.

你們的酒在這裏 Here you go, guys.

我們快打烊了 We're gonna be closing in a few,

我等下會去朋友家玩 你要的話可以一起來 but I'm going to this after-hours thing at my friend's apartment, if you wanna join.

謝謝你 艾莉森 我明天還要早起 Oh, thanks, Allison. But I got an early day tomorrow.

好吧 Oh. Okay.

你改變主意的話 這是地址 Well, if you change your mind, here's the address.

還有我的手機 I put my cell number on there too.

媽呀！你在耍我嗎？ Oh, my God. Are you fucking kidding me?

-什麼？ -你在裝傻嗎？真以為去朋友家玩？ -What? -What do you mean, "what?" After hours?

強尼 她就是想跟你睡 Jesus, Johnny. She totally wants to sleep with you.

我沒有心情 I'm not into it.

強 這句話我聽了一年半了 John, you've been saying that for a year and a half...

每次有辣妹投懷送抱你就說這樣 about every chick that throws herself at you.

你要趕快振作起來！ Get back in the game, man!

別說這個了 好嗎？ Don't start this shit.

我跟錯的人耗了六年的人生 我傷得很重 Look, I wasted six years of my life with the wrong girl, and I got burned.

不想再犯相同的錯誤 I'm not gonna make that same mistake again.

天啊 強尼 又不是要你娶艾莉森 Jesus, Johnny. You don't got to marry Allison.

只是要你上她 或者在她身上撒點尿 You just got to bang her and maybe pee on her a little.

什麼？ What?

為愛人製造驚喜是很重要的事 It's always good to find new ways to surprise your lover.

是啦 我要去撇尿 Yeah, I got to take a leak.

對不起 艾莉森 我盡力了 Sorry, Allison. I tried.

沒關係 真希望他長得普通一點 It's okay.I just wish he wasn't so goddamn cute.

可以給我一杯傑克丹尼 再加一點灰雁伏特加嗎？ Yeah. Hey, can I get a Jack Daniel's with just a splash of Grey Goose?

很抱歉 我們要打烊了 Wish I could help you, but we're closing.

拜託 我是老顧客吶 Oh, come on. I been coming here since the '90s.

抱歉老兄 辦不到 Sorry, buddy. No can do.

別這樣 就一杯 我就不跟別人說… Come on. One drink, and I promise I won't tell anybody...

傑雷諾來男廁玩肛交的事 that Jay Leno comes in here for gay bathroom sex.

你在幹什麼？給我滾！ Hey, what the fuck are you doing? Get off of me!

對不起 我的錯 Sorry. My mistake.

好了 謝謝你 歡迎再來 There we go.Thanks a lot. Come again.

「玉米片」

-嘿 -你好 -Hey. -Hello.

我想問幾個關於玉米片的問題 I'd like to ask a few questions about this breakfast cereal.

當然 沒問題 Uh, yeah, yeah. Box of Trix.

是這樣的 That's right.

我一直以為小孩才能吃玉米片 I've been led to understand that Trix are exclusively for children.

我的理解沒錯吧？ Is that correct?

它的廣告是有說「小孩才能吃玉米片」 I mean, they say, "Trix are for kids" in the commercials.

這有法律效力嗎？ And is that enforced by law?

據我所知沒有 Not to my knowledge, no.

所以我買的話不會有麻煩吧？ So if I purchase these Trix, there'll be no trouble?

不會 你不會有事 No. No, you should be fine.

你看得出來我不是小孩吧？ You do understand that I myself am not a child?

我勉強看得出來 I-I was able to sniff that out, yeah.