Hail, Caesar!

(CONFESSION ROOM WINDOW SLIDES OPEN)

Bless me, Father, for I have sinned.

It's been, uh, 24 hours since my last confession.

Son, it's so late.

Yeah, Father. Work has just...

I lied to Connie. Uh, to my wife.

This is very serious.

I know.

I promised her I'd quit smoking.

She thinks it's bad for me.

And I'm trying, but...

I snuck a couple of cigarettes.

Maybe three.

Yes.

It's so hard.

Yes.

But I'm trying.

It is 5:00 a.m.

Still shank of night for some.

But for Eddie Mannix, beginning of a new work day.

The movie studio for which he works manufactures stories,

each its own day-lit drama or moonlit dream.

But the work of Eddie Mannix cares not for day or night.

And cares little for his rest.

That's right, doll face. Churn that butter for me.

Atta girl.

Oh, Jesus Christ on a scooter!

You here?

The studio has the rights to Gloria's likeness, Falco.

Give me the negatives and things will go easier on you.

These are for private use, Eddie.

Come on.

Oh, boy.

Can't a girl take a few pictures, have a few laughs?

Jeez, Eddie! What an old stick in the mud.

Now, you listen to me.

You were at a party, had too much to drink.

Somebody brought you here, you don't remember who.

You're going home now.

Your name's Mary Jo Scheinbrotte.

Okay, Eddie. So, Eddie Mannix.

Saw your heap outside.

Got a call. Loud, disorderly.

Possible French postcard situation.

Someone was pulling your leg.

Mary Jo here was just at a costume party.

It's not really her dirndl.

She wants to contribute something to your pension fund.

Sorry to drag you out in the rain.

Well, say, no problem at all.

Aren't you Gloria DeLamour?

No, no, I'm Mary Jo

something.

Scheinbrotte.

Say, Brian.

Can I bum a cigarette?

Ancient Rome.

Twelve years into the rule of Tiberius, Ruler Maximus.

Rome's legions are masters of the world.

The stomp of its sandals heard from

the Iberian Peninsula in the west,

through the halls of the great library of Alexandria in the east.

As oppressed people everywhere writhe under the Roman lash,

freeman and vassal are united in one compulsory worship.

The emperor, Caesar, is Godhead.

Lord of every man's body and spirit.

For those who will not submit,

the galleys, the arenas, even crucifixion await.

But there is a new wind blowing from the east,

from the dusty streets of Bethlehem,

that will soon challenge the vast house of Caesar,

that edifice wrought of brick and blood

which now seems so secure.

Ha!

There she is, Gracchus.

Ah, what a beauty.

Aye, Autolochus. Rome.

Suckled by a she-wolf and nurturing us, her sons, in turn.

Tonight I bathe in Caracalla

and wash away the dust of 300 miles of Frankish road.

To Rome.

To Rome!

Yes, to Rome!

Glorious center of Caesar's rule.

But far away in Palestine, another man is coming home.

Saul, humble merchant of Tarsus

is about to be struck down by a vision.

What thing is this?

Gloria DeLamour has been checked into

Our Lady of Perpetual Rest to dry out. Uh-huh.

You have a 10:00 a.m. with Monsignor O'Reilly

at the Wallace Beery Conference Room,

and he's bringing in a Lester Silkwood

from the Legion of Catholic Decency.

And we've also invited Patriarch Vlassos for the Eastern view.

Have they read the script? Roger.

Let's also invite a rabbi and a Protestant padre of some sort

so we can get everybody's two cents.

Check.

How's production on Tucumcari?

Principal is on schedule,

but second unit has been idle

in Gallup, New Mexico for four days.

Heavy rain.

Forecast? Not good.

Send an insert truck,

have them shoot driving plates for Came the Rain.

Check.

Jonah's Daughter still behind?

Yes. Uh, director says the problem is DeeAnna,

and she's getting worse.

I know what it is. I'll drop in on her after my 10 o'clock.

All right, let's call New York.

NATALIE (ON INTERCOM) Mr. Schenk's office, line two.

Hi, Dorothy. Eddie Mannix. The old man in?

Natalie, I want the box office

on The Debonaires and on Blessed Event.

Can you also... Yes! Good morning, Mr. Schenk.

Very well. Thank you.

Proceeding. You know, proceeding.

Yeah, Merrily We Dance starts shooting today.

Beardly Auberon gave us a draft

that's extremely classy.

Joan Van Vechten's playing Dierdre,

but we need a male lead and we need him now.

No, Jack Hogarth is drying out at Cedars.

Metro won't lend us Gable

unless we give them the Comiskey twins.

Of course not. I agree.

What?

Hobie Doyle? Do you really think so?

After all, he's a dust actor.

The man barely knows how to talk.

Yes, of course, Mr. Schenk, I agree,

but I don't know if Hobie Doyle

has the (STUTTERS) poise in a dinner jacket.

Yes, we do need someone pronto.

No, I don't, that's very true.

But let me talk to Laurence Laurentz, the director.

It could work. It could work.

Hobie Doyle is a very promising idea.

Whitey!

And cut!

Great, Hobie.

I can do the handstand smoother

if you give me another shot at her.

We got four good ones, Hobie, and Whitey's tired.

Okay, you're the boss man.

If that's lunch, I'm gonna grab me a plate of beans.

All right, kids, this is Rome.

You're over at this guy's house for a revel.

And in comes Antoninus.

Lots of energy.

What are you doing at the table of viands?

Huh? You're supposed to be reclining with the lyre.

I'm sorry, I was just...

Recline with the lyre.

Don't sit on the pediment. Recline.

Relaxed, festive.

Extras set? Set!

Roll sound!

I got my eye on you.

Roll camera. Fountain!

Hail, Caesar! Ten-apple, take 10.

And action!

Autolochus!

I had heard rumors of your return to Rome.

More than rumors, noble Sestimus.

I see that you are the same worshipper of Bacchus.

What gaiety.

There is still truth in the adage

"What pleasures cannot be found

"in the villa of Sestimus Amydias

"cannot be found in Rome!"

But seriously,

there is talk the Senate will send our legions out again,

and this time not on a short march to Gaul.

What truth to these mutterings, Sestimus?

The matter has been taken up in the Senate.

It seems that there is unrest in Palestine.

Palestine?

That backwater!

They'll hardly be sending the sixth legion

to that godforsaken patch of desert!

Palestine!

Palestine!

Ah.

Holding for a dissolve...

Still laughing...

Holding...

And cut!

Fine, boys. That was just fine.