Harley Quinn

Aw. And that's one chipmunk we'll never forget.

In other news, evil sorceress, Queen of Fables,

won a huge ruling today when a judge found her imprisonment in a US Tax Code

to be cruel and unusual punishment.

They always use that same damn picture.

Better than the picture they use of me.

Hey, at least they're letting you out soon.

Are we still gonna get our weekly coffees?

If I'm not too busy getting my fuck on.

So, what's the update with the Legion of Doom?

Nada. Same as last week.

Who do I gotta blow up to get an invite?

Easy. Find the thing the Legion wants most,

and then you get it for yourself.

All right, I've got a two o'clock with an independent contractor

who keeps his receipts in a fuckin' ALF lunch box.

Bane, Sinestro, Grodd,

I mean, even Joker.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We know what they look like.

What's your point? That they've all tried and failed

to steal Kord Industries' game-changing weather machine.

Which is why we are gonna do it.

If none of them could steal it,

that seems like a pretty good indicator that we should not try.

But if we succeed, it will make the Legion so furious,

they'll have to notice us.

I sent Clayface to do some recon.

My characte was a sassy divorcee...

Can we please not do the unnecessary backstory thing?

...named Brenda... Okay.

...who is back in the dating game for the first time in a while,

and she's decided to get adult braces.

Of course she did. I know what you're thinking.

It's a little expensive on a secretary's salary,

but no! You can't put a price on a smile.

So she threw caution to the wind--

Clayface! Intel!

The machine is being protected by 1,000-ish lasers,

according to head scientist Jerome Stansfield,

who may or may not be heartbroken when Brenda

does not show up to work tomorrow.

How will we ever get past 1,000-ish lasers?

Already thought of that. Psycho?

S.T.A.R. Labs created a personal force field device

that deflects energy.

Problem is, the only way to get into the room

is through an air duct about four inches wide.

I don't know how the hell we're gonna do that.

Yeah. I thought that might be an issue.

And? And I was right.

It's a definite issue.

Oh, shit, Harley.

The news is talking about that book you love.

Oh, Clive Cussler's Sahara?

Clive Cuss-- No.

Queen of Fables.

Oh, that's right. She's gettin' out today.

We are bringing you live to the courtroom

where Queen of Fables is being released

from her tax book prison of 30 years.

Oh, yeah.

Damn! Feels good to get out of those pages.

Thanks, Zatanna. Thanks, Judge. See ya.

Whoa! What the...

Watch the robe.

You said you were gonna release me!

I did. From the tax code.

But you're hereby sentenced to serve the remainder of your time in Arkham Asylum.

What? That's bullshit!

Somebody's gotta do something.

She's been stuck in that book for 30 years!

Yeah, 'cause she almost destroyed Gotham.

Yeah, I think it was more of a lack of affordable housing that destroyed Gotham

but, look, Fables has been a mentor to me.

She just gets a bad rap.

Look. Obviously, I'm not pro-Arkham,

but if there was any person who definitely belongs there,

it would be the Queen of-- Oh, my God. And you're gone.

Yeah. She didn't hear any of that shit.

How about a light, handsome?

Yeah, yeah, sure thing.

Aw. Butterfingers.

Well, I'll be damned.

Aw, I couldn't leave you behind.

Why, thank you, Harley.

Let's ride.

All right, everyone.

I would like to introduce Queen of Fables.

She's agreed to help us break into S.T.A.R. Labs.

So, yeah. I'm gonna need you to pull something

around four inches tall out of your storybook.

Sure, but I'm not sure how Prince Charming's dick is gonna help ya.

Kinda low hanging fruit. Not even tryin'.

I'm just playin' around.

After what you did for me,

you can have whatever you need, honey.

So you can pull any character out of your storybook?

Sure can. Who's your favorite?

Oh, I'm partial to Humpty Dumpty.

Hi, everybody.

Aw. Oh, my God. It's him!

Oh, he's so--

He makes the best eggs.

Y'all got a kitchen here, right?

Uh, Harley. A moment?

What are you thinking?

Uh, that the only way to get the Legion of Doom's attention

is that weather machine, and she's gonna help me steal it?

No, no, no, no.

Seriously, you do not want to get involved with this bitch.

She's like a real, legit bad guy.

Dude, we're all bad guys.

Uh, first of all, I care about the environment, okay?

I don't know what about that makes me a bad guy.

Yeah. Says the girl who dissolved the head of ACE Chemicals

in a bath of his own herbicide.

Best Earth Day ever. Holla.

Fables has been teaching me the ropes of super villainy.

You were the one saying I should listen to other people.

No. I said listen to me, okay?

You're a bad guy but you're a good person.

Uh, I don't know, Ive. Bad is bad.

Ugh! All right, let me try this again.

You're like broadcast bad.

She's cable bad.

Trust me. You're gonna regret this.

I can't listen to you when you're dressed like a '40s housewife

who's fucking her husband's boss.

I mean, what is with that outfit?

What? Oh, I'm just... I'm going out to...

To do environment. "To do environment"?

Ho!

Oh, God. Is that a bouquet of roses?

You realize that's like handing me a bunch of baby heads, right?

Uh, baby heads. With baby bodies.

Guess who's one step ahead of you?

Kite Man.

This is actually very sweet of you, what you've done here.

Yeah, you look bangin'. Oh, God. You make this so hard.

Okay. Are you ready?

Uh, did you check out my apartment number?

It was a 66. I did a little flip-a-roo

on that second numero seis to make it real nice.

This was a mistake. We should've just met at the motel again.

I feel like that's more of our jam. No.

No, I was just jokin'.

I'm gonna put it back. I'm putting it back. I'll put it back, babe.

So, you sure you don't wanna go out for dinner?

Instead of a movie? What? In a public place?

Yeah, I mean, Kite Man likes to peacock.

With his peahen.

That's a female peacock. I understood.

Uh, let's do a movie.

Okay? Like, definitely, a movie is my choice.

Gotcha. Restaurant next time.

Nice.

Okay, Queen. You're up.

Aw. He is precious.

But are you sure Cinderella's mouse is up for the job?

Ow.

That answer your question?

It does, but it actually brings up a lot of other questions.

All right. We got a personal force field to steal.

The hell?

Oh, shit.

Welcome to the Praxis family reunion.

Damn it, that guy ratted us out.

I'm calling off the mission. Relax.

You do your thing. I'll keep them busy.

Who likes fairy tales?

Mmm-hmm.

We did it!

Fables, let's go! We pulled off the caper without a--

Oh, shit! This is horrifying!

I won't be needing these anymore.

What did you do?

I didn't do anything.

All credit goes to the Big Bad Wolf here.

But why?

You were there. That guy ratted us out.

So I killed that guy.

Then everyone saw me kill that guy,

so I killed everyone.

You gotta end the bloodline and prevent any revenge killing.

I mean, that's just Evil 101.

Uh, I taught that class at Boston College,

and we never covered anything this fucked up.

All right, guys. Come on. Take a look around.

Make sure I got everyone.

Make sure they're all dead.

Uh, yup. Yup.

You killed the shit out of everyone. Let's go.

All right. Let me grab the Three Little Pigs to clean this mess up.

Oh, they are cu--Oh, Jesus.

There we go. Go get 'em, boys.

Come on. The bones, too.

Come on. The bones.

You know, no one ever talks about it

but it's almost impossible to get brain out of a cape.

Did she do the pig thing or...