M*A*S*H

Attention, all personnel!

All shifts report to Operating Room.

All shifts, on the double.

Attention, all personnel.

All shifts report to Operating Room.

All shifts, on the double.

Come on, take a card.

All right, come on, make a play will ya?

Now, hold your colon, Doc. Oh, let's see.

You were, uh, saving queens and throwing spades, right?

Gin!

That's 470,000 you owe me.

Will you take a check?

Oh, I'm sorry.

Excuse me, doctors. I wasn't looking.

I'm doing enough looking for us both.

Hey, you wanna try that again?

Two out of three falls?

I, uh, don't believe we've met.

What are you doing after the war?

Hey, wait a minute!

Okay, there it is.

Yeah.

Is he out?

The switch is off. Any time you're ready.

‐Right, nurse? ‐Yes, Doctor?

That's "Yes, Doctor, darling."

Yes, Doctor, darling.

Stand by with a clamp.

Ugly John, give me a reading on his pulse?

68 and steady.

Okay. Scalpel. Hey, I like that.

Very good slap in there. Good.

All right, let me have the, uh‐‐

‐Scissors. ‐Terrific.

‐Sponge. ‐Sponge.

‐Pick‐ups. ‐Pick‐ups.

‐Kiss. ‐What?

Surprise me.

Make a note of that. I want him put on report.

Disrespectful behavior.

She's a new one. I'll take care of her.

Ah, we work very well together.

Why don't we get a few casualties of our own

and we can go into business for ourselves?

So did you have to immobilize the duodenum?

Yeah, I thought there might be

a retroperitoneal perforation.

There was a large hematoma in the area.

‐Yeah. ‐Do you two wanna be alone?

Yeah, but not necessarily with each other.

‐No, really, I can move. ‐I'll say you can.

Pay no mind to my friend here.

He majored in crudeness at med school.

Med school? Listen, before I was drafted,

I was a transmission mechanic.

If you're free later this afternoon,

I'll be glad to put you up on my lift.

Nurse Cutler, report to my office!

‐CUTLER: Now? ‐Now.

Yes, sir. I mean, yes, ma'am.

Dismissed.

Well, at least she didn't have any trouble

figuring out your sex.

My sex is none of your business.

Just say the word.

You stay away from my nurses!

They're off limits to you. That's an order!

I think she's trying to tell us something.

You can forget about Nurse Cutler.

‐I'll see to that. ‐That's your basic Hot Lips.

I knew a girl like her back in my hometown.

Her name was Rover.

Well, look, pal, I don't know about you,

but twelve straight hours of surgery has me whipped.

I'm gonna sack out for a few weeks.

My very thought.

I'm so tired, my eyes keep slamming shut.

I'm going to check on some X‐rays first,

then I'll see you back at the swamp?

Gotcha.

For me?

Only if you'll put those on.

That was a pretty short nap, wasn't it?

I thought you were going to bed for a week.

I was, but I didn't say where, did I?

What about you?

This is strictly business. I'm making a house call.

It must be obvious

even to a moral defective like yourself

that we're both zeroed in on the same girl.

‐Right? ‐Right.

Only I have a solution.

Ahem. We'll share her.

One girl, two straws.

You take the day watch, and I'll take the night.

Unpacking? Let us help.

We're awfully glad you picked our unit.

We're not as large as some of the others,

‐but we are friendly. ‐Very friendly.

Actually, we never met a nurse we didn't like.

‐Doctors, I‐‐ ‐Look, why don't we give this to the bell boy,

and let us just go down to the river

and watch the submarine races?

I have a better idea.

Why don't you go down to the river

and watch us wave good‐bye to you.

I am not unpacking.

‐I'm packing. ‐All mixed up.

Doesn't know whether she's coming or going.

Darling, packing is for leaving.

To stay, you have to "un".

I've been transferred to another unit.

‐Transferred? ‐Major Houlihan says

I'm a bit of a distraction.

What a rotten thing to say!

Yeah, you're an incredible distraction.

We're not giving you up.

You're the best thing to hit this place

since dry socks.

Well, what can I do about it?

You put yourself in our hands.

Actually, these go on your legs...

would 'twere that I were they.

‐Thank you, Radar. ‐Sign these, sir.

‐What are these? ‐Papers.

‐Blank papers? ‐Yes, sir.

‐Is that a good idea? ‐It's to cut down on your workload.

You sign them now, later, you don't have to bother.

But should I have really signed blank papers?

I can't answer that, sir.

You're the one that signed them. I didn't.

‐(phone ringing) ‐Hold on, Radar.

I'm not going to sign blank pieces of paper.

4077 MASH.

I don't even know what I'm signing when they're not blank.

Oh, hi. Uh‐huh.

Papers, double‐talk. Sign this, sign that.

Pretty good. Well, it's a little rough but we're not complaining.

Could be signing it for the next four years.

Yeah, he's here. It's for you.

Blank paper! Well, who is it?

‐It's General Barker. ‐Who? General‐‐ Yes, sir!

Oh, fine, General.

A little rough, but, uh, we're not complaining.

Yes, sir. A what?

A boxing tournament?

Well, sir, the main sport in this outfit

is avoiding calisthenics.

No, sir. Yes, sir, I'll do my best.

Uh, will that be all, General?

‐Say good‐bye for me. ‐Hmm?

Say good‐bye for me?

Oh, uh, Radar says to say, uh‐‐

Uh, good‐bye, General.

I have enough to do.

Well, well, Dr. Jekyll and Dr. Jekyll.

Henry, we gotta ask you something.

‐Answer's no. ‐Don't you wanna know what it is?

Whatever it is, even if the answer's yes, it's no.

Hot Lips has transferred Lt. Margie Cutler,

one of our most dedicated and best‐built nurses.

Now, hold it right there.

Major Houlihan is in complete charge of the nursing staff,

and I can't interfere.

The young lady happens to be a sensational surgical assistant.

‐She's got two of the best... ‐I'm sure.

hands I've ever seen. Don't let her go, Henry.

Real talent in the operating room is hard to find.

I know.

If you say no, we'll tell everybody that your brother's in jail.

My brother is a warden!

We won't say that part.

Now lay off!

Haven't I got enough static with General Barker on my back?

‐What's he want? ‐Yeah, maybe we can help.

No, you can't help.

I mean, there's nothing that you could contribute

to this particular problem.

‐Ah! I detect a gleam. ‐I heard a loud click.

Yeah, one could almost see the light bulb over his head.

Come on, speak, Henry. Speak. What is it?

Yeah?

Okay.

General Barker is all hot

about this inter‐unit boxing tournament.

‐Yeah? ‐And he wants us to put up a boxer.

Now, that's funny.

Maybe we could make one out of spare parts.

He's serious, and he's giving me a bad time about it.

Yeah, so why don't you get whoever fought last year?

I can't. She's gone.

Anyway, Barker's got this boy,

thinks he can win the championship.

‐Yeah. ‐So?

So, he's bringing him here for his first fight.

Mm‐hmm.

Now, if, uh, one of you two guys

would say, uh, go three rounds with him,

I'll see what I can do